Being the Single, Childfree Friend

As a fellow single, blissfully childfree lady, I encourage you to find and build your own tribe of the same.

Your social circle determines your "normal", so it makes sense it should reflect your status. You will be spared watching these women be mommy tracked and you can invest in relationships that will hopefully grow alongside you. That's not to say you can't be friends with women with kids, of course.

I don't really have any advice, but just sharing my experience.

I was in the same situation as you are, but with friendships of a decade or more. I was the only single and childless person in the group and I loved these friends dearly. I was desperate to keep the friendships so I became the organiser of the group and facilitated the keeping in touch, organising catch ups, offering babysitting services and driving distances of over an hour or more just to see them (because it was easier for them).

I did this for a year or so. I did notice that none of the efforts of keeping in touch was ever reciprocated, which stung a bit, but I tried not to think about it and just kept going.

It was my birthday and I was organising a little party. I invited 10 of these friends and not a single person bothered to RSVP. I was so hurt and frankly embarrassed that I cancelled the party altogether. I never heard from any of them ever again and I stopped reaching out.

If I could have my time over, I would tell myself that many friendships are based solely on stage of life and to put my energy into building a new group. The letting go hurts, but not as much hurt as the lack of effort in reciprocating friendship.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but in my opinion, some friendships aren’t meant to last forever and that’s okay. If you’re moving in totally different directions, have nothing in common anymore, aren’t enjoying their company or the person they’ve become….I think it’s okay to mourn, cherish the times you had and move on. Or keep them as friends, but understand that you’re not gonna be as close anymore. If you don’t agree with any of that, then my only piece of advice is to keep bringing up those stimulating, interesting topics, try to shift the focus away from primarily talking about parenthood or relationships.

I had a close friend, we hung out all the time for basically 2 years straight. Really enjoyed her company and the jokes we’d make to each other. Then she got into medical school, understandingly she became incredibly busy. I’ve seen her twice in 8 months and honestly, for the entirety of each visit (spanning about 2 hours each) she literally talked about herself the entire time. Asked me a single question about work and then it was 100% on her. I barely got a word in. I don’t think she even breathed much. First time I thought okay she’s just excited to share her life with me and then the second time I’m like…..I am not enjoying my time with you. Haven’t seen her since and I’m okay with that.

I think there's a hard pill to swallow that's not talked about enough here. Choosing a life that decenters men and the nuclear family, it's socially hard. Very, very hard. We can't just lie and pretend that it isn't the case. The idea that this can be remedied by the sisterhood, as FDS states, is alluring but the reality of life is that (straight) women choose men. Men, the couple, the hetero family, etc. Most women aren't really that into "the sisterhood". They see it as a juvenile transient phase before they sette down. Radfem got this part right, leveling up is a lonely and hard path. It's not a fucking party. Having said that, I'm all for not dwelling into misery and partying anyway. But for me, I am facing the truth, and the truth is that self excluding from the hetero society means loneliness. I still find it preferable to the hetero society as it is. OP, I think you're very thoughtful to your friends. I hope they will reciprocate. Still, branch out, and make new connections, because no connection is permanent, especially for women like us.

I have female friends with children who never talk about their children to me unless I ask.

They live really fun, vibrant, adventurous independent lives, travel (without their [quite young] babies and children) because their parents/in-laws/HVMs really step up and assist with childcare/child rearing.

When I have mentioned that these women have children, casual aquaintances are shocked. "I thought Sarah Jane was single and in her 20s! I can't believe she's a 40yo mother of 2! Travelling to Italy and leaving her babies behind!" The silent judgment is strong for these women. They are seen as selfish. Nevermind that their babies are in perfectly safe, loving, willing hands. Yes, these 'independent mothers' are all bisexual. I'm sure that's no coincendece.

The reality for your female friends may be that they aren't getting the level of support from other people in their lives that enables independent motherhood, and hence it becomes all-encompassing. When women become overwhelmed by parenthood, talking about it with others in the same situation lessens the mental burden. On the other hand, women who embrace (what I have dubbed) 'independent motherhood' are harshly judged (but inspire me!).

You're not being selfish. You want the best for your friends, and having one's life subsumed by motherhood is not healthy.

Ten years from now, things will have changed a lot yet again, and new selves will be emerging. Don't discount them.

But if they ever start with the whole "I'm better than you because I popped out a kid" attitude or "you're single and childless, you wouldn't understand" crap then screw them, ditch them immediately.

I’m a fair bit older than one of my friends and it was pretty surface level for a long time. As my kids got older we got closer. As a childfree woman she was planting seeds. The friends she went to school are now getting married and having kids but she’s optimistic it’s a stage they’ll come out of. It doesn’t help you in the immediate present but know that motherhood is most intense in the baby years and plenty of us want to be far more than just a mum (I find it a pretty good vetting tool as I don’t want friends that just talk about their kids).

I suggest looking for older female friends (either childfree or who have older kids) as well as women your age. Good luck.

i have one friend who's a single mother of a toddler and she does what she can to be present. when we go out, we talk about motherhood and its challenges, but we also talk about many other things. i don't forget she's a mother, but her world doesn't revolve around it. she knows there are other things about herself that she likes to share with me.

i think it all depends on the woman's personality and her circumstances. this friend of mine had the dream of becoming a mother and she told me she was embarrassed because she felt like it was too "regressive" and anti-feminist to want to be a mother. then after it happened, she felt more motivated to persue different objectives. and she is definitely DONE with men. she's had good and bad experiences and she is happy as a solo woman.

i have to admit i have yet to meet another woman with a similar experience. it's usually the other way around.

i think what keeps this friendship alive is everything else. i'm not a mother, but i'm done with men too, i'm a feminist and a solo woman too. she and i always have insightful conversations and we both do our best to see each other even though our schedules make it difficult. we put effort into being good friends to each other. that is so rare and so beautiful.

i'm sorry. i'm talking about me hahaha i mean to show you that being an FDSer with mom friends is possible. but it doesn't depend just on you and how much support you show for your mom friends. it depends on them too, and that's something you cannot control. life makes people grow apart. but the ones that remain are the best of all. you may still be able to remain friends with your current group as long as you all have a few things in common and make the effort to keep the friendship alive. just remember it cannot be one-sided.

Pretty much everyone want somewhere to fit in, there's nothing wrong with that.

It wouldn't hurt to expand your social circle.

It's not fun to experience growing apart from your friends, I've been there. In my case, it was friends I had for over 10 years. And it wasn't even because of anything as big as marriage and children. I thought they were my people, but in hindsight those friendships simply meant a lot more to me than it did to them.

I just about twisted myself into a pretzel trying to make myself fit in. Tried to be interested in their interests, tried to be helpful to an absurd degree. I was so try-hard it was likely making people uncomfortable, and it might have been a relief for them when I finally stopped trying.

One day I figured I needed to chill - the phone works both ways, if they wanted me, they know how to find me. Years have gone by at this point, they never bothered. Part of me still miss them and have a hard time thinking of those friendships as over, but honestly, if I face facts, it is.

I just hope it's comforting for you to know stuff like this happen to other people, too. It sucked but life went on, I made other friends eventually.

I don't know, things can very well work out better for you and your friends than they did for me and the people I used to be friends with. Either way, you're still allowed to cultivate new friendships in the meantime. My regret is I didn't - I thought this one group of people was all I could ever need. I got tunnel-vision. Sure blew up in my face! Don't be as stupid as I was 😆

I am single and childfree and have several friends with children (wish I had more childfree friends honestly but I cherish the few I have). I feel like mothers fall into two camps—their identities either become their husband/child, or they manage their independence just fine.

One of my friends had a kid with a scrote and stayed with him, and our friendship has been falling apart for years because she completely lost herself, no longer has any ambition other than to gain his love and affection, which he has denied her for over 10 years. I miss the person she used to be.

One of my friends had a kid with a scrote and is now a single mom. Even though she is raising her kid by herself, she makes time for activities and other people, and still pursues her interests, and uses her drive to better herself to set an example for her kid. Her child is not neglected, often times accompanies us if kids are allowed where we are going, and she manages her self-time just fine.

These are just examples from my personal life. If you really value these friendships, I would suggest wait and see what happens.

I'm very skeptically open to the idea that marriage is sometimes a good idea for some women*, but I've yet to have the experience of hearing that a woman is marrying a man and I feel unreserved joy for her. I'm always disappointed, believing that the woman should aspire to greater things than a male-centered life.

I'm sorry your friends are settling for male-centered lives. Maybe you can be the based aunt to their daughters. Or, it's always a good time to make new friends.

*in current mainstream US and similar western cultures, cuz I know I'll get push back if I dont specify the context of my context

I wonder if there is a way to find a balance with this. Perhaps you can begin to cultivate a new group of single, childfree women like yourself, and come to acceptance that your friends are changing and entering a different stage of their lives that you're not going to be able to participate in. I only have female friends who are single and childfree. I honestly don't know how I would handle having friends with children. I am in my 30s, just to be clear. I don't know if I would necessarily cut out the other friends of course, but you might have to accept that the dynamic has changed, detach more, and release control. You may find that you don't talk as much, that they don't make the effort to stay in touch, that a distance grows. Maybe it's best to let it be. Maybe they will lose themselves in motherhood. It happens to many women. They might have to figure that our for themselves. It's not in your hands to save them from that fate. When their children are older, maybe you can reconnect or maybe you're not meant to stay in each other's lives and be as close as you once were. It takes both people to make a friendship work. If you can find new friends who share your path and your goals, that could reduce some of the pain of what's happening.