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Buckle up, this is a long rant that I need to get off my chest. And I feel like FDS is the best forum to help me put things into perspective.
So I met my friend Kate in school and been friends for 12 years now. She’s not a pickme but she’s quite difficult to deal with. Some of the key problems in the past:
In school, our friendship group complained a lot that Kate was slow, “spaced out”, stood too close to people and always forgot to say please/thank you. The group didn’t handle this maturely, screaming at her and publicly denouncing her. Feeling bad, I reached out and became her only school friend. Her mom even thanked me for my kindness, saying Ella (Kate’s childhood friend) and I are her only friends. Kate also became a huge help during my pickme days and snapped me out of it. I eventually learned that beyond her awkwardness, she's really sweet and funny and seems to really admire/support me.
But after school, she needed me to help her with a lot with basic adult things. Taking public transport, ordering food, using a phone, etc. She struggled to make friends so I always invited her out to my social events. She tried dating but then complained that these men ghosted her (even the ones that seemed HV) but when she showed me the texts, it was actually HER that forgot to respond and never thanking them for the gifts/flowers.
Travelling with her was a nightmare. She made us constantly late and stressed because she’d lose her passport, randomly unpack her luggage in public, get scammed or wander off. She was also very clingy- one time, while we were overseas with friends, Kate wanted me to call her an uber for her so she could join my dinner date with my BF🤡. I asked what street she was at so I could call an uber but she couldn't work out the street (how am I supposed to call her an uber if I don't know where she was!). She didn't know how to use her phone's GPS either so she asked me to send her screenshots of the directions or to leave the restaurant to come pick her up 🤡. After a week of constantly dealing with this, I couldn't travel with her anymore.
Kate then had her birthday dinner, where she invited me, Ella and my best friend Cass from law school (who isn’t even friends with Kate but appreciated the random invite). However a few days before the event, Kate changed it to a weekend holiday, booking a fancy restaurant and a beach house, and wanting me to drive us there. Ella told me to not complain, guilting me and Cass to cancel our other weekend plans "for Kate's special weekend" and to cough up hundreds of dollars for accomodation we didn't agree to! Then when it came to the pill for dinner then again for accomodation, KATE DIDNT WANT TO PAY FOR ANYTHING because she’s “the birthday girl”. She also disappointingly said my birthday gift to her is "just a lipstick…” (it was Chanel 😫). Cass and I also did all the cooking/cleaning at the beach house and told me to dump these friends.
I could keep ranting. But the big moment was when a few months later, Kate and Ella said they missed me and wanted to celebrate my birthday. We went to a fine dining restaurant that didn’t take split payments so I paid. Ella transferred me straight away but Kate was confused, claiming I shouted the whole night. I joked, saying “Haha maybe once I’m a full time lawyer!”. She said she'll pay me that night but she didn't.
A few days later, I ask her if she's gotten around to paying me. She ignored the message and said “hey how are you going?” We chat for a bit, I circle the conversation back to the money and she leaves me on read 🤡.
Another few days later, Kate invites me to a concert and as our usual dynamic, she asks me to the tickets. Trying to be clever, I said this makes things easy because she can transfer me for the previous dinner and the ticket in one transaction. I sent her the ticket and she responds with "thanks" and nothing else 🤡. And now i'm extra out-of-pocket.
A week later, I ask about the money. She ignores this and asks how my week's been. We chat again but I start politely inquiring about her silence on the issue, asking “is everything ok? Are you having difficulty paying me back or having financial trouble? Would you like to pay me in a week/month or in instalments? I'm happy to help or negotiate.” She said everything’s fine and asks if I take cash. I asked if she could just transfer me online as usual and she agreed. When I gave her my bank details, she reads it and ghosts again! 🤡
I messaged Ella about the situation and asked whether Kate was doing ok or if she has an anxiety around money. She said Kate was fine, never had an issue with transferring and her family was still rich always
Another week later Kate and I chat a bit again so I ask about any updates with the money because I was under some financial pressure. Again, she ignores me 🤡.
Few days later I sent her my mobile number and other methods of payment, giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she's struggling with the account number. She saw the message and ghosted 🤡.
I meet up with Cass and ended up crying about Kate and how I felt so angry/hurt/embarrassed. She helped me prepare a text expressing my feelings and setting a boundary. On the way home, I messaged Kate one last time, asking if she's gotten around to paying yet, she just left me on read. I realised the whole chat was just me talking to myself every few days. Maybe I did something wrong and she's punishing me or doesn't care about me.
I had enough. The next day, which was also the day before the concert, I messaged Kate saying I had been very patient and open with her about the money she owed, even offering to help her or negotiate, and that I’m very upset that I've been ignored and ghosted in return. I even said it's not about the money, she could even say she won't pay me back! I'd be fine with anything at this point, just any communication. I told her I felt so invisible and unappreciated that I no longer wanted to attend the concert. I sent my ticket and told her to go enjoy the concert with someone else.
In two seconds she transfers all the money. She apologises profusely, compliments me about how I mean the world to her, that the concert was all about spending time with me and that she had no idea this was happening and never intended to hurt me. But she also sent an essay of excuses like she forgot to check her phone, she fell asleep or that I didn't understand how hard her job was as a full-time executive assistant. She also claimed she paid me back for dinner that very night, but her bank app had a bug/glitch. She then TURNED IT ON ME and claimed that I’m being very sudden and overly dramatic for a “tiny human error”. I said it didn't matter because I’m still really hurt, and that she needs to be more organised, communicate better and fix her banking if she wants to survive the adult world and that I’d like her to give me some space.
Kate calls Ella about what happened so I get an angry call from Ella. Initially Ella validates my feelings, saying this is definitely a good lesson for Kate but then said I'm being the toxic one for not wanting to talk to Kate (I'm apparently stonewalling) and that it's MY RESPONSIBILITY to fix this mess since I apparently caused it. She reminded me that Kate has no other friends, had been burned many times before and I should know better not to repeat the cycle. I told her that I knew all that already, which is why I had been holding off from expressing my frustrations with Kate during our 12 years of friendship- out of fear of hurting her!
I'm frustrated because my friendship with Kate is one-sided and yet it’s still MY job to fix things? I’m not even sure if I want to fix things now! I have plenty of supportive, high value friends and I don’t think I can handle this sort of friendship dynamic anymore. But I don’t know where to go from here. I get missed phone calls non-stop from Kate and she’s also calling/texting my BF and my family asking if I’m home so she can see me. Ive asked her to leave me alone and now she's overwhelming me. Ugh!
Relating your situation back to FDS concepts, think of “if he wanted to, he would.” Yet there is an implicit understanding that some try to highlight here - not all people are capable, no matter what they want to do. In this situation, my take is “if she was willing and able to, she would.” It clearly sounds like her issues are less of character flaws and more of a lack of executive function (a neurological condition where she cannot use logical reasoning, stay organized, plan ahead, make rational decisions, etc).
It sounds like she is causing you immense stress and I’m sorry you’re suffering. My advice is not to cut her out of your life, as it sounds like you two do have a friendship. But set some hard boundaries and be willing for her to abandon you as a friend. For instance, if she sends you a spontaneous birthday trip invite, you should already have two boundaries in place: 1) You never travel with her. 2) You never pay for her. So you would graciously decline the invite. Does that sound like something you can do? I think you can maintain the friendship, but it will require a lot of discipline and strength from you, which you may very well decide you would rather use for something or someone else.
Not excusing her, you don't have to deal with this, but it sounds like she is not neurotypical, autistic perhaps.
All of that seems really annoying.
What I’m seeing is that Kate sounds like she has undiagnosed ADHD/Autism and could do with a some help there.
But it’s not your job to fix her- but could you discuss it with her family if you don’t want to discuss it directly with her?
As we get older we outgrow friends and we also grow to see that some friends aren’t worth the hassle and stress they bring. You’ve tried communicating and she’s not reciprocating. It’s time to let her go and move on. She’s disrespected you a LOT and it’s not your problem if she doesn’t have any other friends. Withholding payment is such a rude thing to do.
She might have some undiagnosed issues, yes, but I agree that those are not your problem. It’s not your job to take care of this girl for the rest of your life because you feel guilty about her having no friends. It is causing you distress, and so I’d do what I’d do with any relationship that is causing distress: leave.
I agree with others who say this sounds very typical for undiagnosed neurodivergents. The thing though is that she's not taking responsibility for it. I know I'm prone to forgetting stuff so I work to compensate for that. That's MY job. Kate still seems to be in a victim mindset and doesn't understand why she should be expected to handle stuff like this when it's so hard for her. I can empathize, but at some point her friends and family cannot make up for her "deficits". It's okay to lean on your social network but at least be open to them about your struggles and express gratitude for help received. I know how hard it is to accept help or to admit that you struggle with stuff like making a phone call, but you just gotta own up to it. Since Kate is not there yet, it's absolutely fine to reduce contact. I'd tell her that you're not mad, you still value her as a person, but that you just can't handle her stuff for her and that you need space. You're not her mom or life coach.
I don't want to tell you what to do, but my advice (which you can take or leave) would be to get yourself some breathing room. Say you need space to think about where you want to go from here. Right now everything sounds fraught and tangled, and I myself I like to make consequential decisions after giving myself time to think and feel what's right for me.
So ask for a few weeks of grace. Communicating to Kate doesn't mean fixing this yourself - it's just letting her know where your boundaries are.
If Kate cannot respect your time and space, well that's just more information you've gained, and you need to block her. When you've had the time that you need and you've reached your decision, whatever that decision might be, you do need to let Kate know. I won't say you owe it to her, but you certainly owe it to yourself to act with the highest integrity.
You are not a charity. Kate is an asshole who plays helpless to get everyone around her running around in a frenzy trying to make things better for Kate. And she probably enjoys it. She also seems to love gaslighting you. Break away and save your self-respect and dignity. There are better people in the world who will be worthier friends, and know to actually BE a friend in return. Kate ain't it. It's fine to move on from friends that are no longer bringing joy to our lives. Really, it is.
I agree with others here that she seems to have some kind of undiagnosed Autism spectrum disorder. However, that’s not an excuse for her behavior. I’m on the spectrum myself (and have friends on the spectrum), and I am able to act appropriately in public because I observe what other people do, and when that fails, I treat people the way I would like to be treated.
Boundaries are really essential with people like her. It sounds like she’s not used to people enforcing boundaries with her, or facing consequences for her behavior (the friend group that would scream at her don’t count, because they’re just expressing anger, not setting boundaries or enforcing consequences). When she asked to join your date with your bf, you acquiesced (or tried to) by agreeing to call her an Uber, so she thinks that is appropriate behavior (and didn’t think it was a big step to ask you to pick her up). When she changed her birthday dinner to a weekend getaway, you and her other friends acquiesced by changing your plans to accommodate her, so she never thought she was asking for anything inappropriate. Her other friend must indulge her whenever She wants attention, since she’s telling you to do the same (after you’ve asked her for space, and she has disregarded that request by continuing to contact you and people you are connected to).
Please understand that I am not trying to blame you for the way she acts (again, she should have been able to figure this stuff out for herself, but for some reason she hasn’t), just that a lack of firm boundaries often leads to situations like this.
It is perfectly understandable if you want to cut contact with her (it is not your job to befriend her just because no one else has. Friendship, like pussy, is not a charity), but if you do choose to resume a friendship with her, you are going to need to set boundaries. Starting with telling her that you asked for space, and her constant attempts to contact her make you feel disrespected. Give her a timeline of two weeks or a month if you need to (a lot of ASD people can’t deal with a lack of firm timelines), but make it clear that you will contact her, and she is not to contact you in the meantime. If you do choose to resume a friendship, make sure to set firm boundaries in the future (demand money up front, refuse to change your plans for her, tell her when she is doing something inappropriate rather than trying to spare her feelings). Otherwise, she’s just going to keep encroaching on you space, time, and sanity.
I had a friend like her. She probably has ADHD but it’s not my job to coddle her. I also dropped her after about 11 years
There are two things that don't work for people with ADHD:
1. Severe/Non-constructive criticism
2. Mollycoddling.
Seems like she has not been held accountable by her parents, teachers or friends as much as she was supposed to. She will not even realize she has a problem unless she faces consequences. Source: I have ADHD. And I went to therapy only when my life seriously spiralled out of control and I hit rock bottom.