.png)
Just connected with a college friend again who I've not spoken to in 10yrs.
Nice chatting until she tells me she got married last year, another college friend found someone who have been together for 4yrs and that she sees another married college friend (who only lives 10mins from me) every month. She then asks if I have found someone special!!!! Like it's the epitome of a woman's existence!!! Not once did she mention these women's career or life pursuits. Just their relationship status. She visits the college friend regularly who lives near me and not once was I ever thought of!
This caused me to close the conversation in a way that wishes her luck and basically a goodbye.
It really made me feel crap about myself that I'm lacking but I'm trying to remind myself of the great things I am doing with my life.
Call me immature but it's safe to say I will not be continuing our friendship.
She probably sacrificed her own dream, career, or personal exploration for her marriage. She either can’t fathom another woman choosing a different path, or she holds resentment and jealousy for the fact that you didn’t give up your life for a man.
That's absolutely alright. I had to actively breakup with the married boss babes type in life. They deemed somehow I was lower than them as I was unmarried at that time. Now they might come to me after being laid off or their husbands being laid off. Maybe issues in their domestic lives.
An annoying experience, their friendship. That's how to look at it.
It's the worst when friends and family only seem to want to inquire about relationship status. As if I'm not also in grad school, travelling internationally, and doing other amazing things!
Just remember, almost no one is happily married.
I know women like this, but substitute maternity for relationship status. A former friend told me with utter seriousness: “I only hang out with parents now.” I ended the conversation politely because I learned all I needed to know. Don’t expect gallon leagues from pint-sized people.
It’s okay to not want to be friends with someone who values different things…I think your assessment that it wasn’t important to her to keep in touch because you aren’t married could be accurate. Married people openly talk about how they want “couple friends” but know to not say, “can’t invite you because you are single”.
Many women have phased me out because I’m not married with children and it was very hurtful. I was the single “friend“ that was very accommodating and realized that it was dangerous to be in such non reciprocal relationships.
And I didn’t bother responding to those who circled back when it was convenient for them. Like I am supposed to attend your wedding, baby showers, etc and you can’t be bothered to wish me happy birthday? I obviously got invited to a few baby showers so that I would buy a gift. Like seriously, I’ve been to baby showers where the mothers never introduced me to the baby!
So now I don’t feel guilty for wanting women who are at a similar place in life. I wouldn’t turn down the gestures of friendship from a married woman or a woman with children but it is infrequent that women make friendship gestures….it’s mostly that they think I have limitless free time so I can be useful to them in some way.🤷🏽♀️
Don’t write off married/mothers completely please. We are not all like that. I deeply value my single friends, they remind me of a life outside of domesticity and I am always interested and supportive of their lives. The last thing I am interested in is whether they’ve found a partner (and I am doing my best to drop FDS truthbombs so they can pick a good one).
Don't worry too much about how some people have stayed in contact and then some people reconnect after a long break. That's a waste of your life right there. Reconnecting with friends means starting the relationship over, not picking it up where it left off (that can be a hard line to walk). If you can't give one another the grace to grow past who you both were 10 years ago, then don't continue reconnecting -it sounds like you made the right call here, and that this reconnection wasn't going to be worth your effort.
Inquiring about relationships, at some point in time becomes a way to enquire about your family. Reframe it like that and choose to see the good intention in it. Like, my Great Aunt has asked me if I have a boyfriend since I was 12- it's just how she is, it's just her favorite intro bc for her family that's the most common topic to share. She still loves me and wants to hear about what I'm getting up to.
(Sometimes people are passive aggressive about it tho- def smack talk back to them)