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After my Mom passed, my Dad did something scrotey and re-married within the year. My brother and I resent my father for moving on so soon, but lowkey I was relieved that my father found someone to look after him into old age.
My father's new wife is actually proving herself to be a nice lady. She takes good care of him and their home. My brother and I are adults and live on our own.
Well, my adult brother who I once believed to be HV is behaving like a scrote now. When he visits, he makes passive agressive comments about her within ear shot, and he threw a plate of food she made him in the trash.
This situation brought out the worst in my brother and I went low contact with him because of his scrote behaviour. We used to be close but I do not condone his behaviour.
I'm not sure if I should confront my brother for his bullying and LV behaviour?
Should I leave it to my father to manage the relationship between his son and his wife?
Should I just focus more on building a relationship with her, instead of getting directly involved in the conflict?
I kind of don't blame your brother if he's acting this way because he's pissed off at the lack of regard your dad is showing your mom.
Not that there's anything wrong with the way you're handling it, either. I can also understand looking at the good side of the situation and trying to make the best of it, like you're doing.
But it's hard to be so... easy going. In all honesty, I would probably react more like your brother.
In any case, I agree with Spinster that it's on your dad to deal with it.
Repeat after me: "Not. My. Problem." And repeat that some more any time you start to feel like you need to get involved in any way in this mess your dad made.
He just wants a hospice wife. That's the only reason why he moved on so soon, a man who is over your death within a year never truly loved you and stayed with you for his benefit.
So, this may sound harsh but you ask for "advice for blending families"... but this woman is not family. She's your father's new nurse and basically a stranger who is sleeping in your mother's bed and cooking in your mother's kitchen not even a year after her death. And I frankly hate the expectation that children - no matter how old - immediately need to treat their parent's new partners like "family" as if nothing happened and they are not still grieving a dead parent the surviving one replaced to quickly. Moving on may work when you are replacing a partner but you can never replace a parent that way and expecting your children to act like everything is okay is a really selfish and tonedeaf thing to do.
I completely understand that your brother is angry but acting out the way he does (especially the throwing away food stuff) is pretty childish. Not your problem, though. Your dad is the one who screwed up and who your brother's anger should be directed at and your dad is the one who needs to admit it, talk to your brother and deal with the situation he created because he didn't take his childrens' feelings into account.
In that situation the best you could expect from me would be detached politeness to the new partner (assuming they are respectful and polite, too) when contact can't be avoided and minimal contact otherwise. It may grow into a better relationship over many years, but that isn't guaranteed and far, far away.
I come from a blended family, so maybe I can give some advice.
First your brother is being an ass. I don't think it's your job to make him treat your fathers wife properly. Your dad should actually be the one setting the boundaries there. He should be defending his wife.
I think it's nice that you want to have a relationship with her. Sometimes it's hard to come into a family where the kids are adults with their own lives.
I don't want to excuse your brothers behaviour because he's 100% in the wrong. But it's possible he's just not used to having her around. That's my guess. Possibly in the future he may come around and be nice
i wasn't the nicest to my moms husband when he came along. I was already an adult by then, he was also a hobosexual so I had a hard time being nice and worried about my mom. Now, he's been around for almost 10 years and has proven himself to be not shitty. We get along fine now. I still do worry sometimes but he seems to have my moms best interests in mind.
But I will just say , it's your dads job to handle your brothers behaviour.
stay low contact with him. He sounds horrible