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To quoteth Destiny's Child, "No no no"
As a recovering people pleaser, these rejections are a sign of huge progress for me and my level up journey. I chose myself and my peace, thanks to FDS.
Offer 1
I rejected an invitation to a comedy show with a gal pal in my building. I was put off as the invitation arrived the morning-of because her friend woke up feeling sick. I don't even like that comedian. My old pick me people pleaser self would have been delighted for something cool to do and felt great for helping her out. Except I know a free ticket means I'd pay for the Ubers and buy drinks so it would be $60ish anyways. I don't want to encourage last minute offers and her to subconsciously associate me with always being around. Instead, I went for a walk, cooked a great dinner and hung out at home. Perfection.
Offer 2
We had agreed to a standing invitation for weekly happy hours, then she went away for a month and it never resumed. Sporadically she'd ping me, but it was last minute and I was a pitstop during her evening. It became clear she only wants me around when she needs emotional support. I decided to take a step back.
Well, last week she broke her leg while at her longtime friend's place, and just as I predicted, she pinged me for happy hour this week. Looool of course she did! She's immobile and can't get to her bff's place, so I'll do in a pinch. Nope. Told her I've got plans. I have no intention of keeping her company over the next 6 weeks only to get dropped the second her leg heals. I'm chilling by myself tonight and thrilled.
Offer 3
I've known this gay guy for about 5 years. Since we met, he's become a moderately successful influencer. His ego has been steadily growing, and since we only hang out 3-4 times a year to catch up, it's very apparent how far he has hiked up Mt. Ego. He was humble and nice before, but he's become unbearable.
After our last hangout, I made the tough decision to take a step back. There's no reciprocity. He talks about his career the entire time, I give advice and talk through ideas, then pay for myself. It's essentially me paying money to consult for him. He maybe will ask how I'm doing, but the minute the question leaves his lips, his eyes are bored.
He's never included me in anything he does with his real friends, I'm in the middle ground between professional contact and acquaintance. After all these years, I thought by now we'd be friends, but alas no. Just this morning he popped in my mind. I felt I was due for a ping from him, since the last time we hung out was last fall/early winter. An hour after that thought, he texted. I deleted it. I doubt he'll notice I didn't reply.
These are not major moments in life, but they're how I implement FDS philosophy in my everyday life.
Good job! I've heard that success is a lot more about what you say no to than what you say yes to. I'm also trying to implement this
I’m sorry that you keep getting these last-minute, low effort offers. I hope that you don’t take it personally because when it happens in quick succession you start to wonder why you’re the second choice. People think they’re not obvious about making you a backup option but they are! Then they’re offended if you say no!
Good for you! It’s hard to defend boundaries with people you’re “comfortable” with (have known a long time, hang out frequently), but worth doing. You should be proud!
Good for you girl! Although it has nothing to do with your worth, you're worth far more than this subpar behaviour. When we accept too much of this nonsense, it can have a serious effect on our view of ourselves. No inconsiderate loser is worth that. Ever. Let them raise the bar in their engagement with you or nope out.
This is some major self-love and self-protection on your part! ❤️ Love to hear this!!!
Very proud of you! Good job putting yourself first :)
i remember when i used to pride myself in being a good listener. i found it flattering that people would trust me with their stories.
everything has been monetized. maybe i’ll start a business called Last-Minute Sidekick and charge $megaBill$ for it 😂
Interesting how you mention the people pleasing behavior. Could you describe more situations where you were a people pleaser? I have a sense that I am a people pleaser as well. Since I moved countries I almost never say no to an activity because I have this weight of trying hard to make friends but those last months I collapsed, obviously. That horrible tendency of people that only talk about themselves like you gay friend is very very common. People don’t have minimum social skills to understand that in a dialogue there has to be space for both. I noticed they even if you try to switch the subject to yourself, trying to share something you wanna share, they will switch back to themselves. This is very annoying and I always make sure I’m not the one who talks about myself all the time which put me in the place of the “listener” most of the time. This is VERY heavy because you are always in a position of being a free therapist for other people. You don’t feel accomplished in your interactions and people become a weight on your shoulders. And sometimes we just go out because someone invited us and if we have nothing better to do we end up going. It’s quite hard to bear a weekend alone, I know sometimes it can be depressing. But I am sure you gut told you that comedian show was not gonna be nice and staying home was way more fulfilling. Those acknowledgments only come with maturity and experience, and I am happy that you reached that level.