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While waiting for the bus today, I read a stupid story about a guy who was dating an independent woman but then got upset when she was... an independent woman. A well worn tale as old as time.
One of the comments stood out to me : To men like this, "independent" is code for "she is in my life at my convenience and doesn't make demands on my time or have any needs of her own, but also available at the drop of a hat to be a thing I show off to people or dote on depending on my mood."
Like many women, it was drilled into my head from a young age to prioritize my financial independence and to never be dependent on a man. We saw how it trapped our mothers, our grandmothers, and every mother and grandmother in our orbit and they all warned us implicitly and explicitly of the cost of making that patriarchal bargain. This mantra of independence has been a driving force my entire life, and with the addition of late 80s/early 90s boss lady and neoliberal cultural imprinting, I am the sole driver of my own and the primary driver of my family's achievements climbing the career, education, and financial ladder. I can make my life, and I don't need anyone else to help me.
My hard work has allowed my entire family to thrive. All our boats have risen. But ultimately what is the point of that work? Who is that for? Who benefits?
Here is the trap - we've confused not needing something with not wanting or deserving something. We've lowered our standards about what men should provide because we know we can hold up the sky on our own.
This is the exact OPPOSITE of what we should be doing. This is giving our independence and hard work away for free. This is letting men benefit from our labor with no contribution of their own. This is buying into the neoliberal lie that we are individuals and not part of a system that is built upon our unpaid, unrecognized labor and self subjugation. Men are given independence by default, taught they are entitled to our labor to ensure it, while we have to fight inside a system designed explicitly to bind us to make our way there.
This is exactly why the FDS rules exist. We expect men to pay because can already pay for ourselves, so they need to meet us where we're at. This is why a HVM has to add quantifiable value to our lives. But that's it at the small scale. At the large scale, this requires women decentering men, making our personal benefit our driving force, and protecting our labor and treasures to only share with those who have earned it and contributed to it. Coming back to the comment that inspired this - our independence should make us MORE demanding, our needs the center of our existence, and our time the absolute priority.
Let me come back to the question I asked before, and I will answer in the form of an anecdote :
What is the point of that work for independence? Who is that for? Who benefits?
Right now I'm going through a divorce. In a divorce you tally up all the contributions you've put into the marriage in the form of W2s, HSA money, 401k contributions, even airline miles. And as an independent women, let me tell you it is depressing as hell to see the numbers add up to the 100s of THOUSANDS of dollars difference in your contributions and know that the state sees your hard earned money as "communal." Your back breaking work he gets to have as his money and success.
Our mothers taught us to be financial independent because it gave us OPTIONS. So every time I struggle to move forward, or he tries to pull me back in, or I fill with doubt, or I wallow in how unfair it is all that work I did will now be split apart and broken, I remind myself that this independence is for ME not him. Why do all that work to become independent, if I'm not going to use it? The benefit is mine.
That tweet is so succinct it hurts. Wow. That’s precisely how men view an independent woman. Extract what you can, never give them an inch
As a Millennial woman society conditioned me to be better, do better, want more, work more. Girlboss it up. No one is coming to save you. Etc.
But its socialization of my male counterparts? Nothing along these terms. Never rising to the goddamn occasion. In some ways they’re better than Gen X and by far better than Boomers, but the “casual sex” “50/50” “yes you’ll do the same amount of house slavery and unpaid childcare as your grandma if not more” bullshit is for the birds.
They never got taught to pick up the domestic slack and this alone is a huge reason for the mess we’re in.
please, scrotes like this want exclusivity without the hard work. sorry no, a true independent queen will block then continue doing her own thing. go find a pickme, scrote.