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I can’t remember when I heard this but it as served me well.
I keep it in mind, every time I allow a man to take me out and my inner pickme is worried that he won’t feel like he’s getting a good bargain, with razzle dazzling me with a $30 dinner but no physical contact from me in exchange.
I keep it in mind when I lean over the table, or play with my hair, giving the impression that I may be sexually available, when in fact I am not for at least a few months, but he doesn’t know that.
I keep it in mind when I think about how much extra time, energy and money I spent to look like that, that he didn’t have to, because I know he will receive me better, because they always do.
I keep it in mind, because it reminds me that if I in turn were to offer the gift of my body, which- not to be crass but- would easily go for thousands of dollars on the open market for a night of lovin’, he would happily and guiltlessly accept without thinking for a moment that he ”owed“ anything, certainly not an emotional investment. So why should I feel like I “owe” someone anything for a goddamn dinner besides polite company, even if I know on first glance I would never fuck him but would like to enjoy the dinner anyway?
I keep it in mind, because it reminds me that men won’t hesitate to accept a bargain package of cook/maid/escort/therapist/nanny/social coordinator/incubator, and never considered it exploitation as long as she‘s offering, and that’s part of why men (along with their predisposition to be more aggressive) run things.
I keep it in mind because I know the odds are against me for him sticking around if I become chronically ill, so I better use that marriage as a stepping stone to stash as much cash as I can, for when that time potentially comes to hire out consistent care.
I keep it in mind because I know most men don’t see me as all the way human, but a service provider. And, especially when they make that explicitly clear, I have every right to exploit the desires/cravings they- not “can’t” but- won’t keep in check, to advance my own position personally and professionally.
I keep it in mind because I know I wasn’t the one who designed a system whereby 1) the presence and attention of a man increases my social capital and 2) looking good with all the beauty standard entrapments means I will be treated better, I was born into it….and while I will shout from the rooftops to other women that it is absolute bullshit, I also understand that we do what we need to do to get a foothold in the world we live in.
So if you ever feel guilty for receiving anything from a man when you have no intention of fulfilling his wishes but gosh he seems like such a nice guy….don’t feel bad. If he wants to be mad at anyone, he should be mad at the system you live under, and the men who perpetuate it by not seeing women as people. How it is so pervasive, we can’t know early on which he is. And he should recognize how he benefits from that system. A good man will understand, appreciate your presence assuming you behave in an HV manner, and he will work to balance the scales, not nickle and dime you to try to stay on top, as his gender always has since time immemorial. Things can change to where he receives the full benefits of your generous heart, once he has sufficiently proven over time through action, commitment, and investment, that he is the exception to the rule of his class. And in the long run, he’ll benefit. Married men just do better.
But in the meantime, you’re not exploiting a person so much as you’re exploiting a system.
If you still feel guilty, just think of it this way: After men get sex, they DON'T ever feel an ounce of pressure or guilt, even though sex is a huge risk for the woman that could cost her to lose a lot! Yet men don't feel like they owe the woman a marriage, a relationship, protection or financial & emotional support, after she put herself in a very risky & vulnerable position, where she gave something she could never get back (unlike money in which you can always have back and make more of!)
This is the audacity of men, and women need to start having the same audacity.
Thanks for this. I saw some news story on my FB feed about OLD. The woman featured in the headline was saying something about "trying for a decade" but not finding a HVM. Some scrote commented, "Maybe it was more like ten years of free dinners and drinks?" The damn audacity. As if it doesn't cost women quite a lot (in actual money, self-care, trying to look "pretty enough," not to mention the investment of time, and the wear and tear on our emotions).... none of those dinners came "free" for us, dickhead.
This is so well written. I love it. I'm picturing my old pick me self, who used to order nothing but a side of garlic bread on dinner dates. Scrotes would joke that I was a "cheap date" and I would beam, thinking they must be so glad to have such a low maintenance woman. What a fool I was. They were straight up telling me I was low value, and I thought it was a compliment.
You are absolutely right that they expect sex in exchange for the bare minimum effort, but they feel no need to reciprocate anything for sex. Even if we pay 100% of the dinner bill, they expect us to put out without giving us a thing in return. No more.
I don't agree with all of this, but very beautifully written regardless. I personally don't think I'm exploiting anyone for allowing myself to go on high quality dates while also abstaining from sex. I think we're conditioned to believe that we are. I think you said it best - "A good man will understand, appreciate your presence assuming you behave in an HV manner, and he will work to balance the scales"
I try to only go out with men who feel like this. The excitement I feel when a man is happy with my feminine presence is his "reward" for spending money on a dinner instead of a coffee. He gets a happy, receptive woman in his presence. I'm going to be radiating gratitude, and he'll be able to feel that on a subconscious level. It's a beautiful exchange of energy that benefits both of us.
As an example - I went out for a romantic dinner with a new guy a couple weeks ago. Before my date I was excited all day, shopping for new clothes and getting my nails done. When I got there I was so happy to see him. He can feel that on a subconscious level. He knows he did good without me even having to tell him. He feels confident while spending time with me. I feel good in his presence, taken care of, and in turn my energy elevates him.
A week before that I agreed to an afternoon coffee date with a different guy (I only agreed to it because he was coming to me from a place 30 miles away, so I accepted that as effort) and found myself dreading it all day. As I was leaving to get into my car I had this distinct sense that I would rather be getting a tooth extracted right now. Luckily he cancelled on me while I was on my way there (ten minutes before the date was supposed to start) but he likely would have felt my discomfort had the date gone through. This could have led to insecurity on his part. Like, why isn't she happy to be here? Is she just not into me or something?
You get my drift. We have the ability to make worthy men feel amazing without using sex. Of course sex is something that can come later on when we're sure we're cared for on all levels, but in the initial dating phase it's important to know we do bring something special to the table that's not just what's in between our legs!
Men complain about paying for dates, but it’s fine that we pay for our expensive outfits, handbags, nails, hair, eyebrows, makeup etc? You want to pay Nars and Dior for me? I’ve not once felt guilt for not having sex w a dude for forking out some cash for dinner. I more so worry that he’ll think I owe him and will force himself on me. Men OWE US. Look at the effort they put in vs what we do?
This is so true! Men get so mad when we talk about male privilege, because they think that we’re asking them to “give up” the privilege they enjoy in society. Of course, not only is it impossible to relinquish privilege that has been bestowed upon you from birth, but even if it were, what good would that do us? You can’t transfer your own privilege onto another person anymore than you can transfer your good looks or intelligence onto a person. We only ask they they use the privilege they are given to benefit those who are less privileged. That they use the privilege bestowed upon them as males to benefit women. I will not feel guilty about that.
This feels like a direct reply to my last post and related moral dilemma. I love this post, thank you so much! ❤️
Love this post!