.png)
"It is a partnership, we are in this together."
Now, this mindset in itself is not a problem -- you would want your life partner to have your back when dealing with the trials and tribulations of life, right?
Except when it comes to relationship with a man, if he sees you as a "work partner" -- you are expected to WORK.
You are expected to contribute to the household -- paying the bills, maintaining the house, doing chores, raising the children.
He expects to SEE the tangible things you "bring to the table" -- and if you fail to live up to his expectations, he will be disappointed.
He expects you to be fully hands on in raising the children -- because "that's what a mother is" -- and any slack on your part is deemed a "sin". Good luck on doing anything other than "being a good mother" because even wanting a weekend gateway for yourself is deemed "neglecting your children".
You are expected to have superb wifey and household skills -- otherwise what use are you to him?
And get this;
Women who have "it is a partnership" mindset tend to think:
"Well I have skills x, y, and z and will do w, t, and f for him -- he will surely find these valuable and will stay loyal to me and have my back"
Do you see what's wrong here?
This is still a LIMITING BELIEF.
You are limiting the importance of yourself in his life -- you believe the only reason he stay with you is because you can do things for him.
This "I got your back, so you got mine" mindset works really well between men -- they can form strong brotherhood among themselves. Because they see each other as equals.
You CANNOT expect a man to see you and treat you the same way he treats his brotherhood -- because that will end up being fifty shades of absolute bullsh*ttery.
Because again, if you manages to make him see you as a "work partner" -- you cease to be a woman in his eyes.
You will be expected to work, work and work -- and you can never rest.
Being a "work partner" is like being a reliable, durable safety shoes -- he likes you enough, relies on you, make good use of you so very thoroughly, and knows that even if he left you alone, you got it all covered.
He doesn't need to worry about you -- he doesn't even think about you. He can go relax with his friends knowing that the things at home are fine and in working order.
And if you stop being reliable? Oh well it is frustrating, but he can easily find a replacement. Unless he is the vindictive type, he will forget about you soon enough.
You don't have to wonder what this kind of relationship looks like -- just open your eyes wide and take a look around. This is all those 50/50, role-reversal, female breadwinner, workhorse wife relationshits that are the standard nowadays.
You know, the kind of relationship that make a woman says "I don't feel like a woman anymore".
You NEED to reframe your mindset -- You WANT to be his PRECIOUS
Imagine yourself like a butterfly -- big, gorgeous wings but oh so delicate. He must exercise utmost control otherwise he will hurt you.
He wants to be super duper triple extra deluxe careful and disciplined in how he treats you -- because he loves you so Goddamn much but if he isn't careful, he will break you.
He can't afford to be careless with you -- because he is terrified you will be hurt, and slip away from his fingers.
When you are his precious -- there's only ONE of you in his world. No one can replace you, no one can even come close to the shadow of you.
A million women can literally drape themselves over him and he will shake his head and gently rejects them, saying "She is the only one for me." Yes, even if Miranda Kerr calls for him, believe it or not.
Because the kind of love he has for you isn't just a shallow, lust-based one. It is ancient, it comes from deep, deep within -- it is beyond our comprehension.
This kind of love is not selfish, it is not obsessive, it is not aggressive, it is not domineering, it is not arrogant or smug or any of the stupid attitude you see underdeveloped manchildren exhibit in all these superficial "relationships".
It is mature and gentle, yet so unshakably strong -- like a mature tree with roots deep in the earth.
It is a very SINCERE love.
When you are his PRECIOUS, your relationship will be unlike anything you and other people will ever see.
People will be baffled, wondering what's so special about you that this man loves you so much.
You will find him subconsciously thinking about you and wondering what you are doing -- even when he is out relaxing with his friends. Maybe even ending up buying trinkets and knick-knacks that reminds him of you.
You will find him naturally want to take over and deal with EVERYTHING -- yes, even the playdates and school stuff -- because he doesn't want you to be stressed or troubled in any way.
He lets you do certain stuff NOT because he expects you to be responsible for it -- but because IT MAKES YOU HAPPY. If the stuff no longer makes you happy -- he will quickly swoop in and take over.
Your desires are not annoyance or inconvenience to him -- but a source of PRIDE. He is proud that you rely on him and trust him to fulfill your desire -- and he embarks on the mission immediately to make you happy.
Now do you understand why some men are HAPPY to give his wife spending money and let her go on a shopping spree? Because he is PROUD to show the world that he can PROVIDE for his precious. People will watch her going giddy at the handbag sections and he will be right beside her, silently puffing up in pride.
When he calls you BEAUTIFUL -- it isn't just about your looks. It is about your whole being, your presence, the fact that you comes into his life, the fact that he founds you and you allow him to be with you -- the fact that you EXISTS.
You are the person who just effortlessly calm his heart when the noises of the world are too much -- just by being there.
You are the person whose smiles make his whole being filled with so much joy and happiness -- he doesn't even know what to do with himself.
He chokes up and his eyes sting when he think about you -- about how grateful he is that he finally found you.
But get this -- his heckles are raised NOT because he is angry that other people are interested in what he "owns", no. His heckles are raised because he is TERRIFIED of losing you.
You are his HOME.
Try to understand what that means. You are his HOME -- the presence that literally gives LIFE to his house and makes every nook and cranny come ALIVE just by being there.
You are his SOURCE of life, of HAPPINESS. You cozy up his once fine-but-kinda-dull-and-lifeless house just by being there.
In the quiet moment to himself, he will reflect on his life and thinking -- if all the sufferings, the lonely nights, the loss, and the tears are because he can meet you one day -- then he will gladly go through them again and again and again.
And you will understand why some men -- regardless of how the woman looks or not being the perfect Wife™ archetype -- happily do anything and everything, even dying for her.
I don't think most women fully understand yet just how PRECIOUS your presence is in a man's life. Your existence, literally, is what saves him from the dull, fine-but-kinda-flat life.
Yes, HVM will have a complete and busy life on his own -- he has healthy relationships with his social circle -- but a part of him still remains lonely and dull especially when he comes back to his I-got-everything-I-want very impressive, very big house -- but there is still something missing.
YOU.
If you can't find a man who treats you like you are his precious -- please, just stay single. Anything else other than being his precious is truly not worth your time.
Stay safe.
SayNad you’re posts are so beautiful and you express your thoughts in a way that truly resonate this space. You bring such life to FDS. I’m always so grateful for them.
Side note- I remember you mentioned thinking of writing a book. Please do!!! You’re words need to spread far and wide. And also you should get all the coins too!!! ❤️❤️❤️
YES!! Beautifully written! we should never subject ourselves to entertaining anything less!!
it takes so much stress and weight off your shoulders knowing you have nothing to prove and that you’re free to recieve.
I wish I read this years ago before I got in a relationship with my loser ex. I was a workhorse but wanted to be his precious. I thought proving how much value I could provide would win men over (ha!) but instead it reduced me to a mule. Never again.
To anyone who disagrees with this post, it is about the *spirit* of the relationship. It's not saying a woman is *not* a partner, or the woman and man will not collaborate toward shared goals. Of course they will. But, my goodness, the feeling of being cherished like a friend cherishes me, but in a romantic relationship? It sounds amazing. Looking back at past relationships pre-FDS, it was definitely about what I "provided" for the man, even when he pretended to be the HVM described above. Instead of loving me for me, my presence, and doing whatever he could to keep me happy, there was an unspoken expectation I had to work my hardest to be perfectly manicured/conventionally attractive/maid/mommy/hide my unhappiness at low-effort dates/smile and suck it up during the slow fade. Sometimes there was the unspoken rule that all the porn he watched gave him a sense of abundance, like he could find a better, hotter, kinkier version of me at any minute and he was settling. People around us would wonder how he got me, but he literally would have no idea how lucky he had it and take everything for granted. The smallest gestures were expected to be given Fireworks of thank yous. No more. If i cannot be cherished as a woman, I don't want any relationship at all.
love this. i agree and i've baited men by claiming that i want a partnership just to gauge his reaction and response.
Unfortunately Gollum has given the term "my precious" unpleasant overtones.
Beautifully said.
Wow! I really needed this. Thanks.
You want someone to value you for who you are but a precious delicate butterfly he Has an ancient draw to? This is not a 40 year marriage feeling. Sorry if you marry someone they are the person who’ll be there if your kid has special needs, or gets murdered And everyone is frantic and depressed hardly getting by. Life isn’t about vague ancient draws and being butterfly’s. its a very naive way of looking at the world and not the way to find a life *partner*. What is being described would also be a vulnerable innocent woman who needs protection and factually, scientifically, this actually attracts abusers who vision of women as precious delicate innocent flowers. Then if you need to voice an opinion they beat you. This is horrible advice. Plus you can’t actually be yourself and live life while being a delicate butterfly type. Theres maybe 2 percent of women who are really soft like this and I know one and her bf treated her like a queen and now he has a second gf and won’t marry her. Nobody respects someone who is helpless. If you want a narcissist who will abuse you do this. If two people don’t BOTH value each other, and would also be willing to do what needs to be done then it won’t work. No relationship based on feelings and instinct lasts. It also can’t be based on your hard work and how convenient you are, it needs to be two people dedicated to their marriage and building a family, two people dedicated to the greater good of the partnership, that’s not leaving it to feelings and instinct and it’s also not counting how much work is put in - that’s love.