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@Fetus Deletus
Sometimes I didn’t have anything else to say and he would say “don’t you have anything else to say” and I would say “no” then he asks me “to tell him something that he has been the one talking” which is often a lie as I’m usually the on talking more. Usually if I’m not in a chatty mode to add things to the conversation , it’s going to be dead.
One time he’d even admitted he purposely pushed my buttons so I would talk more and express myself about a topic.
I constantly found myself thinking of things to talk about, reading up cool stuff so I can show him I can have a great and deep conversation.
Even the last time I was with him on a road trip, he’d complain about how I was quiet and didn’t have anything to say and it wasn’t cool. I needed to entertain him with my conversations since he was driving, I was really so embarrassed and thought “I’m so boring, he is going to think I’m really boring”.
Honestly, I always just thought that when you are with someone it always has to be fun and sparks everywhere. Cause I also internalised that he dumped me because it wasn’t as fun for him anymore.
@PlainSimpleTailor
My (abusive) ex was obsessed with "deep" conversations to the point he would turn everything into a political / philosophical debate because otherwise it would be bOriNg 🙄. He frequently complained we had "nothing to talk about" (although we talked all the time) because what I had to say didn't clear his bar of profoundness.
@ASBlonde
I worried for years about ensuring I stayed “fun” and entertaining for guys, because they seemed to get bored within the first 3 dates.
You are NOT a vending machine he puts his "love" coin in and you spit out endless entertainment out.
Stop allowing him (and treating yourself) like a 🤡, forcing yourself to "thinking of things to talk about, reading up cool stuff so I can show him I can have a great and deep conversation" -- harsh, I know.
But this is akin to you metaphorically dancing around like a fool trying to keep his attention on you.
You are NOT his personal "All-in-One Entertainment System", dammit.
You are, consciously or unconsciously, putting him on such a high pedestal that you feel the need to desperately maintain his interest in you.
Why?
Because, perhaps you don't yet fully understand "Why would he choose to love me if I am not of any use to him?"
There is still some of that leftover brainwashing deep inside you that associate love with "being useful".
You are anxious -- aren't you?
You have to explicitly know the "reasons" why he choose you -- otherwise you can't relax under his attention and care.
This goes wayyy beyond "being fun" and "not boring" -- this is about YOU not yet being able to come to terms with this very fact:
When a man GENUINELY loves you, he loves [YOU].
NOT what you can do for him.
NOT what entertainment you can give him.
NOT what you have and what you achieve (so that he can ride your coattails)
NOT how you look and how you dress
NOT what wifey and household skills you have
NOT how much money you have and what amazing career you have
NOT how "sexy" you are in your makeup and clothing (so that you trigger his lust)
NOT what kind of p*rnstar performance you can give him in bed
And so on and so forth -- all these things you are made to believe as "the reason why a man would fall in love with you".
All these things are NOT "love" -- these are servitude. He found you useful in some ways, so he enters into a relationship with you.
An extremely superficial reason to be in a relationship with someone.
But you know what's worse?
Majority of women are still too deeply in their brainwashing, trauma, and sense of worthlessness that they NEED to KNOW that they have at least one of these things -- otherwise they can't comprehend "Why" a man would love them.
They can't TRUST that man even if their life depends on it, and proceed to stay anxious throughout the relationship.
Every time I tell women that "When a man loves you, he just loves [YOU]" -- most women can't comprehend that. They will always ask "But what about me exactly that he loves?"
Here's the thing -- GENUINE LOVE is as simple as it comes.
He loves you because you exist, and you are here in his life. That's it.
You can wrack your brain and exhaust yourself until the end of time trying to find the exact reason "Why" he chooses you and what he found so precious about you and etc2;
But at the end of the day -- does it really matter?
You effortlessly turn his once okay-but-kinda-dull life into something meaningful and warm -- How? Why? Who knows? That's just how it is -- and he is grateful for you, and want you to stay healthy, happy, safe, and content under his care.
The only thing you should care about is NOT chasing after men, NOT dancing around like a fool trying to keep his attention on you, NOT treating yourself like an "All-in-One Entertainment System".
Focus on YOURSELF -- your wounds, your trauma, your still deeply internalized sense of worthlessness, and getting completely out of the brainwashing.
Getting a partner that genuinely loves you is not YOUR burden to worry about. You are the CHOOSER -- your role is to CHOOSE the best out of those men, NOT TO CHASE after those men.
"But I worry that all HVMs will be taken off the market if I don't go out and chase after them" -- SO WHAT??
What are you so afraid of?
What terrifies you so much?
Somebody gonna come kicking your door open one day and drag you to a camp or some sh*t?
You gonna end up lying in a ditch somewhere -- rotten and forgotten?
No, wait -- it is more like this right? -- You are TERRIFIED people will sneer and laugh behind your back at parties and gatherings because you aren't attached to a man.
You are TERRIFIED being labelled as "the unwanted/expired/ugly one" if you don't get with a man by a certain age.
You are TERRIFIED your workmates will look at you with pity at office parties and ask "Don't you have someone to accompany you?"
You are TERRIFIED being the odd one out -- just because you are still single.
You are TERRIFIED of being lonely and alone. And people looking at you and whispering to themselves, "See that? No men wants her. Something must be wrong with her."
Something like that?
So you desperately enter a relationship out of fear, and desperately exhaust yourself crazy trying to maintain his attention on you out of fear.
That's not love -- or anything remotely resembling love -- that's just part of the systematic brainwashing to ensure that you stay willingly chained to serve men.
Genuine love is not based on fear, you know?
You do NOT exist to entertain him.
If he says you are "boring", good, drop him. Next.
He loves you because of [YOU] -- not what use you can be to him.
You are NOT his personal "All-in-One Entertainment System" so STOP treating yourself like one.
You are a human being. So only allow a man who respect you as one and treat you as one to court you.
STOP wasting your time on trash.
Stay safe, Stay Woman.
Thank you so much for this. There have
been so many posts recently from women who just cannot seem to detach from men who are treating them like shit and it Is really grim. You have to be ready to put yourself first. FDS is not a guide to extract better behaviour from a scrote so you don’t have to feel the pain of losing something that NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
No man is more valuable than you. Most men add nothing to your life.
Anyone who will judge you for knowing those two truths has no value either.
Thank you for another amazing post! This is one of the things that I need to remember, not just in my romantic relationships but also with my friendships. Growing up I was always the “quiet” kid so often my peers and even some of my friends thought I was “boring” (but also “weird”?). Now I know that I wasn’t, because even back then I had a wide variety of interests that kept me busy. They just wanted me to entertain them so they can make fun of me for my interests and when I didn’t talk about them they found no “use” for me.
It was the same with my past partners. If I wasn’t leading the conversation, asking them questions, etc, the conversation would be dead. I was putting in so much effort to try and seem “not boring” because like you wrote I always internalized my “use” for everyone or else I was unlovable. Thankfully I am growing out of that toxic mindset 💖👸
All of this is so true! I'm an extrovert and men have always seen me as 'the funny girl'. I noticed not so long ago that men loved me for my sense of humor, bubbly personality and because I'm always smiling. I'm naturally like that so I didn't think that was problematic UNTIL I started to relax around them and show them other sides that aren't the funny and intelligent girl.
There are days where I don't want to talk that much, where I'm tired from work and school, where I feel down, where I just want to enjoy peace and quiet, and these men always hated it. They hated that I wasn't their personal 🤡 to make them laugh, to cheer them up when they had a bad day or to provide intelligent conversation whenever they felt like talking.
Now I try to be more quiet on purpose and let THEM do the job to entertain me, make me laugh and talk about things I find interesting and this only made me realize how incredibly boring and basic most men are.
thank you. the influx of relationship posts drained my desire to be active around here. i hope this gives future queens the wakeup call they need to level up ASAP.
All of this is entirely unfathomable when you've never been loved for YOU. I speak from experience here. But one day it will happen, not necessarily from a romantic partner, and you will never want to go back to transactional relationships (except for maybe the workplace). In the meantime one can only learn to treat oneself with love and care, which will also repel most people who are just trying to leech off others. I want every woman to know that you can be loved for who you are. No matter how "inadequate" you think you are. Men grow up with the unshakeable belief that they're owed unconditional love and submission, it's completely natural to them. We don't want to be entitled like that, but we can take a page out of that book. Start to believe that we really deserve it and that it CAN really happen. Just to remind some of you what someone might love about you that has nothing to do with your "usefulness" or adherence to beauty standards:
- the way you observe and talk about your surroundings
- the sound of your laugh, how light plays in your eyes or on your hair
- the way you move and carry yourself
- your quick wit and humor
- your passion for your hobbies / job
- your interest in politics, philosophy or spirituality
- your joy and exuberance
- your attitude in life
-Etc.
People who really love you admire what you do and how you think and just want to be present to witness it. That's all.
I think a lot of this also stems from the indoctrination of women by unstable or neglectful parents. Obviously with what society does to women, this compounds the issue. A lot of what you describe sounds like an anxious attachment. However, bear in mind that sometimes being with an avoidant partner, even when you are usually healthily attached, causes these sorts of situations. Further, if he's abusive, unfortunately, extended exposure can and will result in a total mind fuck and this is understandable. Staying in this situation though is more about you... Leave if you can and safely.
Its genuienly such a waste of time. I was once talking to this guy who always did this. It makes you feel stupid and, like this post says, you are performing.
I realized later that only boring guys have nothing to say themselves and blocked the dude due to boredom lol.
Also the comment about "deep topics" YUCK. Tbh I personally see it as a red/yellow flag when a guy is someone who loves deep topics. Most of the time it means he will debate you on deprived, inhumane topics for the sake of being "philosophical" when in reality he just has no empathy and is mentally ill. He is probably trying to disturb you because it pushes their ego or some sh*t. The reason doesnt really matter.
The guy I was talking about did this so often to try to seem deep and smarter than me. I literally had an A+ in my final philosophy class and was the best in my grade...I still dont care about your stupid deep topics dude.
Holy shit! Lol, Thank you for calling me out. And my situation goes beyond just entertaining with things to talk about and what not. All the time I stayed with this guy I was constantly trying and doing everything for him to like me more and think I am better than any other person . I didn’t even enjoy sex with this guy, he was just rough and it hurt but I wanted to show him I could enjoy it even though he’d complain about how he didn’t enjoy it cause I complained it hurts. I would literally always want to do anything for him to see me as the best. One time he said my nails and hair didn’t look good, if I went to the cheapest place meanwhile I had just had a two day road trip and I was looking a mess. I felt so bad and was trying hard to explain why it looked that way. I can go on and on about so many things he said subtly but I’d always take it as a means to prove myself to him that I was the ideal person. Seriously, this post really hit hard. Please never delete this post because I want to read it everyday as I am still trying to purge myself off this madness.
Thank you @SayNad for this amazing post. You've hit the nail and personally it made me reflect on the wounds that I am still healing. Many of us have been indoctrinated and programmed to only see and recognize how useful we are- whether our domestic skills (give food, keep a clean home, take care of elders, family and children), beauty (lustful desire and giving sex), education/careers (provide money and status) and personality (to provide laughter, joy and desire). It is all about how we as women can PROVIDE or bring for a man. And if we have been taught, observed and rewarded for 10, 20, 30+ years for this many women do not have the ability (yet) to see themselves outside of this system. We have all been reduced to this role and when you decide to break free you will be met by challenges/difficulties from the system wanting you to be caged.
This post is wonderful reminder for all of us to remember that we are in this system and that patriarchy wants to keep us "entertaining and providing for men". We have to recognize that we are everything BECAUSE we are women. Each of us is our own unique women. We must work on falling in deep love with that women as she is and NOT what she can bring.
I have had all of these same issues. I still have this fear of being single, even though I've been a singleton 97% of my life.
Now I'm consciously going for people in my life I connect with and making that my standard.
Wow, this hit me in the gut. I found FDS after going through a painful unrequited experience that left me deeply devastated. I was ghosted by a man I knew for a year and who I developed intense feelings for. I am working on loving myself and letting go and moving on, but the experience ripped open some very deep wounds that I know I must heal. Looking back, I did so many things to try and keep his attention. He was avoidant, inconsistent, and very confusing. I would watch his favorite films, listen to music he liked, etc so that we'd have things to talk about. He never did the same for me. He never asked me questions or showed the same deep interest. I pursued him and chased him and degraded myself. I still feel the shame of it. I'm trying to forgive myself for giving so much to someone who gave nothing to me and who so cruelly discarded me. But I know my life is better without him, that the ghosting was a gift. I am learning so much through FDS, and it's posts like this that are so important. I refuse to settle for lack of mutuality and reciprocation ever again.
Unfortunately, there are many people who love to gossip about women who don't have a man by the time they reach a certain age. It's usually older women as well.
This is amazing, thanks for posting!! I've always felt that if a man loves a woman, it's her that he loves - not what she can give him or an idea of her. But I've never really been able to explain that to other women and have them understand what I meant by that. You've literally taken the words our of my head and explained them perfectly! I can definitely relate to the fear thing too - societal pressure to find a man is very real and it's something I need to work on in terms of ignoring. People who try to exclude others or make them feel bad because they're not in a relationship are shitty people at best and crabs in a toxic bucket at worst.
yeah stuff like that is supposed to naturally flow
Amazing thread!
Those screenshots are so upsetting because... my ex husband was just like that. And guess what? He has NPD. 😬 It was never my fault or any other woman's fault for being treated like that.
I agree for the most part, but don't men and women both choose people in part due to those "superficial" things you listed? Obviously they aren't all that a relationship needs. But they are important, and usually people love certain people for a reason. I agree that we shouldn't be hung up on the "why" or "if" though.
Awesome! I needed to see this one today. I am very extroverted and tend to be the "fun" one and entertaining of the group, but I need to remember I don't need to do this for a man.