You are NOT Dumb. (Part 1)

💯 Most of society benefits from women remaining in abusive or lopsided relationships. It’s a radically empowered act to reject your subjugation in ALL forms: romantic relationships, work, socially etc. There is blowback when women take back their power. Ppl who benefit from the status quo or are actively remaining in shitty relationships themselves will reject, ridicule, shame, and isolate women who have found their backbone and have stopped fawning for bullshit. A strong, empowered woman needs to realize she will no longer be popular, but she will be right and eventually, at peace and more genuine happiness.

Thank you for the tough love. I needed to hear this today.

However, this is how it "should" be. It should really be this simple, but it's not.

I was at dinner last night with female friends. One of them is leaving an abusive scrote. She said she felt stupid for getting with him. I told her that as women in straight relationship the odds are against us so she isn't. We all ended up talking about how we ALL have faced judgement, shame and ridicule and even anger for sharing what we thought was "off" about a man. Even from our mothers. Even from our friends. We all had a story (my latest from a week ago that I'm still triggered about).

My other friend who's a therapist told us that one patient of her, was left locked in the house by her scrote for 3 hours (basically kidnapped) and when she announced she was leaving him (no advice needed) she was made to doubt herself by her female friends because "he's such a nice guy". She had to go to therapy to hear "yes, it's normal that you want to leave someone who kidnapped you". Imagine how difficult can be finding validation for much lesser offences, such when a man is simply a bit passive aggressive or pushy or lazy.

This is the reality we are living in. This is what we are trying to leave behind. It's uninterrupted gaslighting 24/7/365 and going against it often comes with social consequences. I'm not gonna shame or judge any woman, including myself, for being profoundly insecure about her judgment skills.

I agree that the solution is not more advice per se, but holding the mirror for each other is absolutely necessary, because nobody held it in the first place so that we could grow to trust ourselves. And helping each other in dealing with the consequences of our empowered choices (rejection, social ostracization, loneliness to name a few) is also necessary because as humans we ARE social animals who physiologically need to feel connected, and "just disconnect yourself from anything so you can be yourself" is not a viable, sustainable choice for most people on the long term. Holding women to this standard is like asking women to transcend their humanity in order to not be treated as subhuman.

When do we get to be treated just as fucking humans? At least with each other we could give it a try.

I posted a question the other day about cutting someone off and it actually really helped. The community is for support. I’m glad I asked for help and took suggestions.

This does not apply if you have ADHD or complex trauma. I used to get panic attacks at the store because I couldn't chose what to eat. You can't "just decide". Asking someone to do this will only make them feel worse for not being able to. It's called analysis paralysis. A therapist can help you manage it. I see a lot of women here stuck in it and I have empathy for them. Probably good advice for some women but would not work for me.

Thank you so much for this post! You don't know how much this lighted me up on so many things! Thank you a 1000 times!

As someone who’s always been decisive and outspoken from childhood, I can tell you about blowback and such. It has meant for me that my being decisive outs people quickly if they’re unsupportive and I’ve never had much of a problem distancing myself from them. It’s made me even more decisive in fact. I always asked people even as a teen, who benefits from this more and how?

Truth.

So I saved this as a good reference for me this week as I prioritise hearing my voice above all others. Thank you. That was really impactful to read. A lot of the time, we already know what we want, what's good for us and what we're really going to do. In such situations, this advice is perfect and a positive empowering message.

Getting different kinds of views on issues can be helpful but it can also cause more chaos in your head. It is problematic when you ask a subreddit with a half million users what you should do. These individuals have a frame of a particular set of beliefs or ideas on which they base their judgment of things. Most people are afraid to do things wrong or feel insecure to cut the gordian knot.

So true.