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"I LOVE paying the bills and go 50/50 with my man!"
Cool.
"If I let him pay the dinner/buy me gifts/take care of me financially etc. - then I have to sleep with him whenever he wants and be at his beck and call 24/7"
✒️ WHY???? Somebody gonna come and burn you at the stake if you don't sleep with him after he paid for dinner?
✒️ What kind of slave mentality is this?? Who make this into a rule you must follow as a woman on a date with a man?
✒️ Okay2 - you don't want to be labelled a "gold digger", an "evil woman only after a man's money", a "w***e" and all the degenerate labels society put on you - okay I get it.
✒️ So you go 50/50 with the guy, you pay for your own food, he paid for his. You go on coffee dates, walk dates, park dates, jungle dates, mountain dates, river dates, the journey to find the one ring to rule them all dates etc.
✒️ Because you choose to go 50/50 with the guy - you start seeing him more, spending more time with him, talking, sharing, laughing, flirting - you "feel the chemistry" and start opening up to him, sharing all your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
✒️ Now you are attached to the guy and start spending time in his house - or your house. He starts talking about the future, about how he love you, about how you are "different" from other woman blah blah blah.
✒️ He starts touching you more, kissing you more, saying how he love it when you do this and that for him - it shows how much you love him.
✒️ So you end up sleeping with him "because of love" and doing all the things for him "because of love" - and you still have to split 50/50 whenever you both go out to eat and spend on things because that's "how our relationship is".
✒️ So, in a sense - you still sleep with him whenever he wants and be at his beck and call 24/7 - the difference being instead of due to him spending on you, it is due to "because I love him".
✒️ Aka you are the one investing more into him, instead of him investing more into you.
✒️ If you have been reading FDS long enough, you should understand that in this dynamic, you will always be the losing party. Always.
✒️ Now imagine you agreed to go on a date with a charming guy - and he takes you to one of the best place in the city.
✒️ He pays for everything - the food is glorious, the ambience is great, talking to him is fun, the dessert is to die for - and at the end of the dinner, he gifted you a nice bouquet of your favorite flowers.
✒️ And as he leans in, whispering to you "So, my place after this?" - his intention is clear, his gaze tells it all. What should you do?
✒️ I know this will be hard to do - but YOU MUST SAY "NO".
✒️ In a graceful gentle way, you CAN and HAVE THE RIGHT to say "No, I don't do that". And LEAVE.
✒️ No need to over-explain, no need to feel bad for him. You have the right to just say "No. Thank you for the invitation but I must decline", and end the date gracefully.
✒️ Yes, it will be downright terrifying the first time you ever said that "No" after a lifetime of always saying "yes".
✒️ Your mind starts attacking you with images of the consequences - the exploded anger, the nasty words, the stares, the whispering behind your back while their venomous eyes just look at you, the ostracization, the loneliness - just because you choose to prioritize yourself for once.
✒️ And I will be the first to tell you that that journey won't be easy - you will be hurt, a lot.
✒️ When you start to build your fence of boundaries, people will start throwing insult and gaslighting stones and yelling that you are "destroying the whole village! A selfish witch!" - simply because you stop allowing them to trample on your lawn of personal space and abusing you.
✒️ So you can either be ready to experience that wound over and over again, or you give up and throw away your boundaries just so you can feel like the "normal" part of the society.
✒️ If you ask me, it f**king sucks. I am wounded to the deepest part of myself. There are a lot of scars. Nasty words and psychological assaults can do a number on you, after all.
✒️ You also will be lonely a f**king lot because genuine people are the MINORITY in this world.
✒️ Pickmeishas are everywhere as far as the eyes can see - I lost count how many times I've been betrayed for the pettiest shit.
✒️ But all of those are worth the small number of friends I gained along the way, the way I can scoff at insults like it is just another Monday, and best of all:
✒️ When I say "No", I mean No with a capital N. Whether they got it the first time, or I will make them understand.
✒️ If you dream of being that woman who can look in the eyes of the most handsome, charming, wealthy, delicious man - and simply said "No" to his advances after he paid for everything - then you have to start.
✒️ You cannot grow a thicker skin without enduring the pain of starting.
Stay tuned, and stay safe.
Girrrl ... You are onto something. How it begins is how it will continue is how it will end.
I'll be honest here and say that in my last relationshit I "chose" to pay for food on our first date after he paid for icecream which he threw away - said he didn't want to eat it (but why did he buy one for himself?).
I paid for the food which was expensive.
He made a point of not eating that either and threw away most of it.
🤡 Please cringe with me, I'm sharing this so you don't go through this shit too, okay?🤡
He wanted to go kayaking so he paid for it - practically forced me to go with him. Made me uncomfortable the whole time.
🤡 Cringe🤡
He made several threats on my life during the time in the kayak, practically "joked" about throwing me in the water and keeping me down. During our relationship, I realized that threats with drowning me and scenarios in which I get kidnapped and murdered were recurring. These were masked as jokes.
After that, I was already rapidly trauma bonded with him because I saw him as the rescuer in this hurt and rescue scenario.
💀Pro-tip: do not go to horror movies, don't do stuff that makes you uncomfortable or something risky (like mountain climbing) on a first date. 💀
During our relationship, I ended up paying for a lot of stuff and I justified it like this:
My justifications for msyelf:
-stuff I wanted - I never asked because I'm bad at asking and paid for it myself (usually food, clothes, stuff for my house)
-stuff which I justified that needed to be shared: gas for example, condoms food
2. My justifications for his behavior:
- he never gave me a present. Just bought me a rose once. And that was it;I was libfemming hard and said to myself: I don't even know what I want so no big deal. I could give myself what I wanted so no need to "look like a gold digger"🤡 I was very protective of his finances for some reason
- he also would come to my place to eat and shower. I didn't know my last name was bed&breakfast 💀 Instead of feeling suspicious of his motives, I felt wanted & needed
The clowniest memory that I have is when I ended up paying for a vacation that he wanted (but he cut short because I was enjoying myself too much). He was driving, so I paid for half of the gas. I booked the room for the night so I paid for it, I wanted to have a stop and eat at a restaurant so I paid for it. He went along, ate, ordered whatever. I paid. In the end, he didn't have to pay for shit (figures I paid for everything, and gave him extra for gas)🤡 and I also accepted his drama and his accusations and his testeria on "our" time together (he made me sit through 5 hours while he went to see his friends which ignored me and behaved weirdly). I wasn't even allowed to be upset when he drove past the natural reservation I booked a visit to. 🤡 And you know why? Because I thought that if he was driving, he had control over where I was going.
It ended very soon after this. And when more time had passed, I was able to do a cold calculation: he ended up using me, he got free meals, bed & breakfast, sex every time, got to exert his dominance over me and pass judgments on me in my own house. He saved money and got a self-esteem boost to pursue a woman for whom he could appear as the savior and the provider. He took from me, pumped himself up and went to another woman that wasn't as threatening as I was (most likely).
He ended up with everything with very little effort. Why pay for the cow when you get the milk for free? Why feed the cow when it can feed itself or starve?
He was getting everything he wanted and more. He wasn't going to step up, or start stepping up. Ever. He was going to take until he saw someone who could see him as a savior and who made him "feel like a man". Men like being seen as "superior and generous" and he couldn't be that with me. I had my own house, my own job, my own money, my own car. I was something he confessed... he never thought he deserved. That should have been my cue.
So what did I do wrong? I did not leave at the first sign of realizing this man did not prepare shit for "our" date. He relied on me: "you, take us places, woman" and on my libfem-terrorized socialization (I should pay otherwise he'll think I'm a gold digger).
* Edit: A man not automatically reaching out for his wallet and not planning a date = massive sub-beta vibes. He feels inferior to you but wants to use you; he hates every minute of seeing you but cannot say no because he has nothing better. You remind him every day that he is unworthy of you. He will hate you for it and will go to a woman that is, in technical terms, your inferior and his inferior. He needs that woman to pump up his ego after you showed him what he could never be.