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Disclaimer: Let me start off by saying I found out about FDS in the middle of my relationship so by then I was a little too far gone to properly see the red flags in that relationship. I'm mad enough at myself already so please be gentle. My only comfort is that I wasn't a complete pick-me and didn't put in the work to find a third for a threesome he wanted (didn't end up happening, plus what even that was supposed to be my job?), and didn't act like his regular maid and cook like he wanted. Also he's now with someone else and has tried several times to make me his side piece. I got really easily swayed by a man being nice to me for the first time ever.
I got out of a several year relationship last year with a guy who started off treating me better then anyone else I've ever met, but later on bigger red flags started popping up. Such as him pinching hip fat and calling me names like; hippo, cow, etc.. It always made me feel bad but he played it off as a joke. He also would throw his dirty briefs at my face before taking a shower. That's not the worst I put up with.. I'm just wondering how to explain this behavior.
It's hypocrisy in its purest form. Loads of people prefer to judge themselves as superior and attack others instead of doing any self reflection/improvement. It is so common the bible even makes a point to not judge the splinter in another's eye when overlooking the log in your own or whatever it is. People find it infinitely easier to belittle others to feel accomplished than to go out and actually accomplish something. Hypocrites are a dime a dozen and the only thing you can be sure of with them, is that they have to run through people to avoid being called out for it.
My husband (who will not remain my husband much longer) does this to me, so I’ve thought about it a lot. I think it serves 2 purposes.
The first is to keep women feeling down. When I moved to my new residence, he wasn’t supposed to move here with me, but at the last minute he asked me if he could, just long enough to figure out what to do. I guess when I didn’t break down and cry and beg him not to go to his mom’s basement (he’s 52), it took him down a few notches and made him reconsider his plans. He kept telling me that was not the reaction he was expecting. So now he has his own area downstairs and my daughter and I are upstairs. About 2 weeks after moving, he started getting really nasty with me, which is where the keeping a woman down comes in. I’ve lost a lot of weight, but he kept saying he couldn’t tell (mind you he’s 50 pounds overweight), he kept asking me if I was pregnant, another dig at my weight. Now that my weight loss is absolutely obvious, he wants me to make special meals for him to help him lose weight, so there was a lot of jealousy going on as well (And believe me, there are no special meals being made in this house.)
The second reason I think they do it is control, to keep you in your place. I’ve had bad teeth my whole life, they would just chip like chalk, so I finally decided to get implants. I spent a lot on them and they look great. So when we would have family get togethers, he would tell me loudly to take out my teeth and show everyone what it looked like then. Next time I’m gonna tell him I’ll happily do that if he drops his drawers and shows everyone his saggy, sweaty scrote. So basically, I’m doing things to work on myself, and I didn’t freak out when he wanted to go to his mom’s basement, so he knows he’s lost all control of me. I wasn’t upset, and he had no bargaining power when it came to setting up the dynamics of the new house.
I always find it funny how so many of us share the same experiences. Like reading your story and the comments gives me flashbacks to my own relationships and how abusive and disgusting the guys behaviors were. It is sad at the same time knowing so many of us didn't meet just regular decent people but also makes you feel less alone.
Sorry you had that experience. Sounds like he was a shithead. Also, my first thought was that if a guy chucked his dirty knickers at me, I’d threaten to throw them in the bin/suggest that that is what he wanted me to do with them.
I think a lot of it is the cycle of narcissist abuse - idealize, devalue and discard.
It was the same with my soon to be ex husband. I had never met someone who was as all in as him! I had never been treated better. Well, until the bullying and abuse started. I was a size 0 and he constantly told me I needed to tone up. When I was pregnant with our first child one of the first things he said was "don't go crazy and gain like 80 lbs". He revealed he had been raping me in my sleep. Honestly, the last 8 months with him were nothing short of pure hell. And for what? I will never understand. Him and his attorney, who is an absolutely scumbag of course, continue to bully and harass me daily even when I'm weeks away from giving birth.
I couldn't believe how disgusting him and his attorney looked in court last month. And how stunning and confident my attorney was. Naturally tall, also wearing heels, and holding that despicable man accountable. He looked like a blubbering idiot. I often replay the court room scene and smile.
those men are insecure
I dont know why he thew his dirty underwear at you. But I can tell you, I would only ever throw my dirty underwear at someone's face if I hated them and wanted them to have diarrhea. If I were on the recieving end of that I would end up in prison. Thats absolutely fucking deranged.
He was doing two things: 1. Trying to lower your self-esteem & 2. Dominate you Why? - so you’d try to get his approval - so you’d feel too badly about yourself to leave