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I broke up with my boyfriend at the end of last year and I'm still pretty broken-hearted but I had a realisation last night about why this is a good thing.
Four years ago I got divorced. My ex-husband left me and our son with five weeks notice. He didn't contribute towards the mortgage again and it was financially devastating. In those five weeks I was so scared but we women are resilient and I held it together. What surprised me was that from 24 hours of him moving out I didn't shed a tear. The relief was so intense I was almost on a high. A high that really helped energise me in those early weeks of having to quadruple my salary with no childcare.
The reason I was happy is that I'd stayed too long. I didn't want to lose my stepchildren, I wanted the happy family everyone on the outside thought we were. I put up with so much. So when he left, he took all his shitty behaviour and all I was left with was a financial deficit (which turned out not to be so bad because he'd spent so much due to his gambling and general selfishness and I was happy to budget).
I met my now ex-boyfriend and fell in love. Life was good. Shortly after, I discovered FDS and while I could've done things differently with the man I was seeing, things were good... until they weren't. Things got bad pretty fast and while old me would've stuck by him (the circumstances he was under were pretty awful), thanks to FDS I knew that they were no excuse. After all, I'd never treat anyone like that if I was having a hard time!
So I ended it. He was shocked. Because women are meant to be understanding and stuck by their man right? But the relationship wasn't benefiting me any more. It was actually taking a toll on my own mental health.
The difference this time is that I called time before I had spent years of misery at the hands of an audacious man. Whereas the end of my marriage brought relief, this breakup has made me question myself endlessly because I still had love to give. This pain is growth! Breakups should hurt. They shouldn't feel like relief because you've spent so long being unhappy. I was only unhappy for a few months but even that is too long.
This being sad alone is nowhere near as bad as that last year with my ex-husband was. And that's what I gave up when I ended my relationship. My ex-boyfriend wasn't going to suddenly snap out of it and return to being the man I was in love with, he'd have taken my acceptance of the situation as the bar of what I'd tolerate and taken comfort in that.
So this heartbreak is good. Or at least appropriate.
A round of applause for your strength! True Queen energy 👏👑 Tolerating mistreatment is the first step down a dark and lonely road. Getting out early is paramount and I wish more women would do that. Your heart might be broken, but your dignity and sanity stay intact. I know what it's like to be left utterly destroyed by a man. It's not worth it.
I'm so sorry your scrote ex-husband treated you that way and can completely relate to that intense feeling of relief once he's gone. Your life gets exponentially harder in some ways but it also feels like a judge just reversed your life sentence and let you out of prison. I remember thinking, "I might be poor for a while, but he can never hurt me again." You seem to have handled it so well!
The ex-boyfriend being shocked about your breaking up with him just reinforces that you made the right decision. The fact that you were unhappy enough to end it should have been a huge waving red flag to him that he needed to shape up before you kicked him to the curb. But of course he was entirely uninterested in your happiness and couldn't believe you would ever have the strength and self-respect to ditch him. Congratulations on knowing what you wanted, knowing what was unacceptable, and making the best decision for YOU.
I'm struggling with my own heartbreak after a breakup at the moment, but knowing that these feelings are a normal process of growth is helping me get over it. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for the important reminder that pain is the best teacher. Sometimes the most important lessons leave scars so that we won't make those same mistakes again.
Pamper and baby yourself now, Queen! You deserve all of the good things. ❤️
First of all, I know it must be hard on you I went through a break-up which had the makings of a good marriage.
What helped me and advised is, FDS as well speaks of taking time off social media and that includes time off FDS itself. I would take notes, invest in the reading material, stocks, life tips etc, then remove all online unproductivity including daily Reddit FDS visits while I completely focused on myself.
Too easy to quench my angry thirst of an answer by reading others' similar experience, while too hard meeting reality.
Lovely post and important realization. Bravo. Relationships with men can go downhill so gradually we often end up like the frog in a boiling pot of water analogy. May we all learn to get out when the water is lukewarm —well before we end up boiled frogs in crisis!
This is a good point and something I hadn't considered. I'm glad you were able to recognize you needed to leave your ex, and thank you for giving me a logical way to cope with still missing my dumb ex too. 💖
Thank you so much for writing this post. I needed to read that. I’m planning to break with my bf tomorrow. He hasn’t been nearly as bad as my ex husband, but he wasn’t as good as I’d like lately either. I’m still mustering courage to do it bcs it’s not like I’m indifferent towards him, but it needs to be done. Your last sentence - “he'd have taken my acceptance of the situation as the bar of what I'd tolerate and taken comfort in that” hit me like a ton of bricks.
Yes, heartbreak is good. It means it mattered to you and it means you made the choice to do what was right for you, instead of what was easy.
Good job looking out for your future self, and being bold enough to share your heartbreak
Thank you for this post and all the comments. I'm going through a divorce I initiated after years of work and pleading and loneliness. Despite that, I feel great heartbreak and I've had a hard time articulating why. You have captured it so succinctly - I still had love to give. And that's why I need to leave now before I hate him. Plus I was heartbroken married to him and a future with him is only continued heart break, so splitting is just a slightly different type to achieve peace.