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I know intellectually that different people just gravitate to different things. But does anyone else ever, from a less rational perspective, find it odd when one man treats you as totally disposable, and- while you are looking/acting just as nice to another man- the other man thinks the sun shines out of your ass?
Is that ever jarring to you, to where you wonder how you are impacting two people so differently, with pretty much the same presentation? To where you doubt yourself that maybe you *are* behaving differently towards the two? Or if there is just something kinda wrong with one of them? Or maybe it's not about who you are at all, and it's just a market value thing, to where a guy with fewer options is just going to be happy to get *someone* and it has nothing to do with you being incredible at all?
I don't know. I guess sometimes I just wonder if men truly ever see *me* at all, the way women seem to, or if they just project on me what they want to see. Because while I can understand, say, one being very interested, and one just mildly in me but strongly preferring someone else, when I find myself to be so polarizing (especially when I have given way way more to the disinterested guy...don't worry I've broken that pattern), it just throws me off. I hope that makes sense!
I can relate. People of both genders either love me or find me super obnoxious. I don't worry about it because it just means I'm not hiding who I am. When you live authentically, you WILL get very different reactions. Of course, how men perceive you can have lots of other factors playing into it. Men who seem to worship the ground you walk on despite not knowing you well are often desperate or love bombing abusers. Men who are very dismissive off the bat and don't want to get to know you see you as a mere object and not a full person.
It confuses women but the answer is simple, those men treat women how those men treat women. The same man will court you for six months and bail, try to get a one night stand or marry you depending on what he is wanting at that moment. Men can be real jerks that put us into unfair catagories based on how he is feeling and "evidence". All you can do is not put out and walk if he is being insulting. To a man looking for sex, you are: -An easy slut he can pump and toss -A challange but easy enough -Not worth it because you want relationship and might key his car if you get tricked The same man now looking for a domestic slave, you are: -An easy slut he can dump and toss, will fall for FWB while he dates around -A challange but "Lets see what she'll do for me/how much crap she'll take." -He better act right for 2-12 weeks because you will wash his shorts and give him regular sex Notice there are "types" LVM will deem right to use? The hack is that most men are morons. You can be an "easy slut" to one man for silly reasons and be "she will wash my shorts" to the very next man just by not telling him your body count and by getting your needs met elsewhere for a while 🤡 A HVM, he either wants you with all his heart or he wishes you luck. You will only be someone he loves or someone he wishes luck. It has nothing to do with us at all.
My ex-husband was a lot of things but was perfectly relaxed about me meeting so many men and having solo holidays. He knew I’m very monogamous and doesn’t have trust issues. While my ex-boyfriend liked that I wasn’t needy (a red flag I missed) when we first met, he ultimately was insecure and accused me of taking a solo trip in order to cheat on him. I was equally monogamous in that relationship.
This is why we have to live our lives true to ourselves and vet hard. If we allow ourselves to be changed by male perception of us we lose our way. That’s the pick me trap. It was brutally hard ending my last relationship as I was very much in love with him but he was faulty in his insecurity and I had to throw the whole man out.
I do not inspire insecurity. Some men are insecure.
Lately I have had one man flip flop between these two polarizing sides when he understood that I was not interested un him and it was not going to change. LOL. Which confirmed the relevance of my initial choice to ignore his advances.
What I find even more jarring is when it's the same man who thinks the sun shines out of your ass today but tomorrow he treats you as completely disposable.
I love this question because so many of us have wondered this exact thing. I certainly have! Like you, I've found it very confusing how different people can perceive one person so differently.
What you've said is right. Men have specific things they like in a woman which is why a woman will be perceived as very intriguing to one man but seen as "just alright" to another. We also have to remember that we perceive men the same way. A guy can be "meh" to us and yet be so fascinating to another woman. It's like how we perceive a person's looks. Some of the guys my friend find attractive are unattractive to me but the good looking guys I find attractive, don't appeal to them at all.
Sometimes, the issue is with the man. You may have one man who has a healthy mindset towards women and the other is very misogynistic. The one with the healthy mindset wants a genuinely deep relationship where he and his partner are emotionally connected with each other while the misogynist wants to get a woman he can control and abuse. If these two men see the same woman, they'll both have different intentions with her. If she were to date both of them, she'd also wonder why one guy treated her so well while the other treated her like crap.
Another example is a confident man vs one that lacks confidence. They can both meet a woman and the confident guy won't shy away from speaking to her, maintaining eye contact and asking for her number at the end of the conversation while the insecure one will be sheepish, not maintain as much eye contact and awkwardly leave the conversation. Let's say the woman liked the insecure guy the most. If she didn't pick up on him being insecure, she'll think that she was somehow offputting to him, hence him not asking for her number but in reality, she did nothing wrong. The guy's insecurity didn't allow for him to be fully present with her which left the impression that he wasn't interested.
As I've come to understand these nuances, I've realised that I won't appeal to everyone. Provided I'm authentically myself and I treat people well, then I have nothing to worry about. If people don't like me when I've done nothing wrong to them, then the problem is with them, not me.
I hope this explanation helps!