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Hi.
After reading the handbook on exes and male friends, I have drastically changed my view on how I see exes as friends. I have this one ex, we were together for 5 months, I broke it off because I felt he lacked confidence (it was a turn off), and I didn't think he was a good enough dad to his twins, he didn't give them emotional support. I felt he was better at meeting my needs than his kids needs, and that was so unattractive that I couldn't do it anymore. Anyways, fast forward now 1,5 year later. I have been through some dArK times the last year. He has sort off been there for me... but still now, he checks in to hear how I am doing. He has a girlfriend. They've been together for 10 months. So... my life has been hard and emotionally difficult the last year, he asks how I am doing (over texts, usually in his work hours). I tell him how I feel, how therapy is going, about the last disappointments from tinder, sometimes we have called, I cry, he supports and are there for me. But... when I ask him about his life, everything is ALWAYS perfect. Like, it is pretty much one sided. He never goes in depth about anything, everything is GOOD!
I have gotten more an more angry about his inquiry about my welfare, and the fact that he is always perfect. I haven't understood why I have gotten to resent him for this... until I read the handbook.
He is using me for entertainment and he needs my feminine energy. He gets off be hearing me cry about my misery, because I was the one dumping him. He gets off feeling big and like a provider for me. Does he sees me as weak, and in need for him? I think this is only a ego think for him.
And how disrespectful is it for him To reach out, again and again when he has a girlfriend?! We usually speak once a week. He gave me a Christmas gift and changed my tires.
I have decided to cut ties. I have not replied to his messages, and I am not going to. So my question is, how is my rational thinking on this one? Why do I feel anger and disgust when he asks how I am doing? Please enlighten me on your thoughts.
I think you are exactly right that he soaks up your honesty and vulnerability while keeping his own inner life a secret. Don’t feed his hunger for additional feminine energy and to feel superior to you, and don’t continue to willingly be a member of his harem!
FDS taught me that we should never keep exes in our lives. It always does more harm than good. Any ex who wants to remain in your life feels this way out of his own self-interest, not because he genuinely wants to support you.
Pretty ironic that you broke up with him because he wasn’t providing enough emotional support to his own children, yet he seems to have a generous capacity to support you. Why isn’t he giving his time and energy to his own family who depends on him?
He's emotionally unavailable and abusive to the people in his life. He's basically triangulating and quadrangulating you, his girlfriend, his baby mama, and his twins, and who the hell else knows? He wants you to feel an emotional connection to him for possible future sexual access but won't tell you anything about his life. He's keeping you at arm's length for an ego stroke, and because he thinks you'll f*ck him in the future. Men aren't capable of friendship or love with a woman they're attracted to or have been involved with. If he was your friend, you'd never have broken up in the 1st place. He never changed his ways from when you were dating, and you're doing the right thing by leaving him be. He needs to focus on his responsibilities and the people in his life.
It also sounds like he is emotionally cheating with you on his current partner. It’s not very nice of you to contribute to that dynamic. how would you feel if your bf secretly called their ex while they were at work, to be her shoulder to cry on? I know you are struggling, but you need to find friends instead. Maybe a therapist. He obviously is the piece of crap in this situation, but you should block and delete. I’m not victim blaming. He sounds narcissistic, abusive, and like a triangulater. You are worth more than this.
Girl, this dude is just hovering around to feel superior to you. 5 months is a short stint of dating- WHY does he keep following up?
Update, I haven’t responded to him anymore. He sent me this, this morning: “Don't know how to interpret that you didn't reply to the last message. If you don't want to talk to me, I will respect that. But I would appreciate an update on how you are doing. Hope it goes reasonably well, despite everything...” Felt it was condescending and a bit passive-aggressive? Am I wrong?
My ex tried this with me. I shut it down after we hung out a few times and he kept bragging about sexual conquests to me. I hate when men do that. I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore bc that was disrespectful. Even my male friends who aren't exes don't do that shit around me. I haven't blocked him bc I want him to see how wonderful my life is without him. Every once in awhile he likes one of my posts. But I told him there's NEVER any point in being friends with an ex unless you have children together. Even then you don't have to be friends just respectful to each other. Thank goodness I don't have kids bc none of my exes are respectful to me and I'm not friends with them.