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This morning I broke up with my boyfriend. We'd been seeing each other for about 15 months and he was already on notice for waffling about his long-term intentions towards me when I politely asked him about them after a year of dating. I ghosted him for a week back then and he called and texted endlessly asking for another chance and saying he did intend to propose but that my question had caught him off guard. I cautiously let him back in but kept much more emotional distance between us, and now I'm very glad I did. I won't beat myself up for not going with my instincts and cutting him off the first time I had doubts. He seemed to be a HVM and his behavior was consistently in line with what I wanted. He was generous, attentive, thoughtful, masculine, caring, and kind to a fault. He made me feel taken care of and cared for, but...there was always a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that this relationship wasn't quite what I was looking for. And I was right. My instincts were, as always, unfailingly accurate and I will never ignore them again.
Since our initial discussion about a future together, in which he said he intended to propose in the spring, I noticed that he was just going through the motions of our relationship rather than fully invested as he had seemed before. It was like the fun had gone out of our time together. Shortly after Christmas, I decided to stop drinking because I didn't like what it was doing to my skin and waistline. He was seemingly supportive at first but began to grumble here and there about not wanting to drink alone, as if a grown man couldn't have a glass of wine with dinner unless his companion did too. I started to notice more things about him that I didn't like, such as his penchant for interrupting me mid-sentence and his increasingly frequent lack of warmth when greeting me at the beginning of our dates. We even started bickering occasionally, something I absolutely refuse to do with any man. The sex was still good, but not as good as before. I was fairly sure I would break up with him soon but wanted to be absolutely certain because things had seemed so healthy before, so I watched and waited.
This weekend, he took me out of town to my favorite local resort to celebrate my upcoming birthday. And while we were there I clearly understood why he preferred me to drink alcohol: we really didn't have much to talk about unless we were both warmed up with a couple of drinks. He seemed as bored as I felt. There were long silences, and he even picked an argument with me just before bed last night, our last night there, resulting in us sleeping with our backs to each other, not touching, no sex, not intimacy. On the drive home this morning, we didn't speak a single word to one another. When we walked into my house, him carrying my bags, I told him that he was a great guy but that I didn't think we were compatible. Unsurprisingly, he didn't argue with me and quietly said he would not renew his membership at the sporting club where we met so that we wouldn't run into each other there. I tried to give him back the necklace he gave me for our anniversary but he wouldn't take it and told me to sell it. He told me good luck, I wished him well, and he left. As soon as the door closed I blocked him on everything and deleted all of my photos of him and of us together, all of our texts, all of our emails. I never added him to my social media so at least I was spared that annoyance. I am taking the necklace to my jeweler tomorrow.
It hurts that I wasted more than a year on this dead-end relationship, but ladies, this is why we never stop vetting. If I hadn't asked his intentions at the one-year mark, he might have strung me along as his forever girlfriend indefinitely. Although I'm mildly frustrated with myself for not listening to my instincts sooner, I'm relieved to be free of this entanglement and grateful that I didn't allow it to go on longer than it did. He may not be a bad person, but he isn't my person. And as always, I'd rather be free than tied to someone who simply doesn't love me enough. Being honest with myself today, I realize that I didn't love him enough either. No matter how well he treated me while we were dating, our connection fell apart under relatively slight pressure. We simply didn't click, and I'm so very glad not to be writing this post two years from now and in the same position, or even worse: while miserably married to the wrong man.
When in doubt, throw him out. Attractive men are a dime a dozen. I reactivated my OLD profile and will enjoy a new scrotation of dinner dates shortly. The fastest way to get over a man is to start dating new ones, and my standards are even higher now. I will miss him, but not for long.
This is a great example of a healthy and civil way to part ways when a relationship doesn’t work out. I’m glad you shared this as I believe there are many FDS users who might be very used to abusive and dramatic ways of relationships ending. So if they’re in a calmer, more stable relationship (where they’re still incompatible with their partner), they might continue to stay in the relationship, despite being incompatible, because they’re only used to relationships ending in extreme ways.
I think it’s important for us to focus on these stable relationship and dating experiences, instead of stories of abuse, as it normalises healthy relationship behaviours instead of behaviours demonstrated in states of hypervigilance. I understand that there are women who will want a space to vent their traumatic relationship experiences, but I’m worried that when trauma becomes the central talking point on FDS it misdirects the focus off of general application of the strategies.
I hope I’ve articulated my point well, it’s tough to explain. My point is, we need to share more stable examples so that we’re not always thinking about trauma and essentially preparing ourselves for a state of hypervigilance, which can be a turn off when entering the dating world. Balance is crucial. Of course we should listen to our instincts and always be vetting, just not focusing on potential traumas as then we may miss important, but maybe smaller, aspects when vetting.