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This morning I broke up with my boyfriend. We'd been seeing each other for about 15 months and he was already on notice for waffling about his long-term intentions towards me when I politely asked him about them after a year of dating. I ghosted him for a week back then and he called and texted endlessly asking for another chance and saying he did intend to propose but that my question had caught him off guard. I cautiously let him back in but kept much more emotional distance between us, and now I'm very glad I did. I won't beat myself up for not going with my instincts and cutting him off the first time I had doubts. He seemed to be a HVM and his behavior was consistently in line with what I wanted. He was generous, attentive, thoughtful, masculine, caring, and kind to a fault. He made me feel taken care of and cared for, but...there was always a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that this relationship wasn't quite what I was looking for. And I was right. My instincts were, as always, unfailingly accurate and I will never ignore them again.
Since our initial discussion about a future together, in which he said he intended to propose in the spring, I noticed that he was just going through the motions of our relationship rather than fully invested as he had seemed before. It was like the fun had gone out of our time together. Shortly after Christmas, I decided to stop drinking because I didn't like what it was doing to my skin and waistline. He was seemingly supportive at first but began to grumble here and there about not wanting to drink alone, as if a grown man couldn't have a glass of wine with dinner unless his companion did too. I started to notice more things about him that I didn't like, such as his penchant for interrupting me mid-sentence and his increasingly frequent lack of warmth when greeting me at the beginning of our dates. We even started bickering occasionally, something I absolutely refuse to do with any man. The sex was still good, but not as good as before. I was fairly sure I would break up with him soon but wanted to be absolutely certain because things had seemed so healthy before, so I watched and waited.
This weekend, he took me out of town to my favorite local resort to celebrate my upcoming birthday. And while we were there I clearly understood why he preferred me to drink alcohol: we really didn't have much to talk about unless we were both warmed up with a couple of drinks. He seemed as bored as I felt. There were long silences, and he even picked an argument with me just before bed last night, our last night there, resulting in us sleeping with our backs to each other, not touching, no sex, not intimacy. On the drive home this morning, we didn't speak a single word to one another. When we walked into my house, him carrying my bags, I told him that he was a great guy but that I didn't think we were compatible. Unsurprisingly, he didn't argue with me and quietly said he would not renew his membership at the sporting club where we met so that we wouldn't run into each other there. I tried to give him back the necklace he gave me for our anniversary but he wouldn't take it and told me to sell it. He told me good luck, I wished him well, and he left. As soon as the door closed I blocked him on everything and deleted all of my photos of him and of us together, all of our texts, all of our emails. I never added him to my social media so at least I was spared that annoyance. I am taking the necklace to my jeweler tomorrow.
It hurts that I wasted more than a year on this dead-end relationship, but ladies, this is why we never stop vetting. If I hadn't asked his intentions at the one-year mark, he might have strung me along as his forever girlfriend indefinitely. Although I'm mildly frustrated with myself for not listening to my instincts sooner, I'm relieved to be free of this entanglement and grateful that I didn't allow it to go on longer than it did. He may not be a bad person, but he isn't my person. And as always, I'd rather be free than tied to someone who simply doesn't love me enough. Being honest with myself today, I realize that I didn't love him enough either. No matter how well he treated me while we were dating, our connection fell apart under relatively slight pressure. We simply didn't click, and I'm so very glad not to be writing this post two years from now and in the same position, or even worse: while miserably married to the wrong man.
When in doubt, throw him out. Attractive men are a dime a dozen. I reactivated my OLD profile and will enjoy a new scrotation of dinner dates shortly. The fastest way to get over a man is to start dating new ones, and my standards are even higher now. I will miss him, but not for long.
This is a great example of a healthy and civil way to part ways when a relationship doesn’t work out. I’m glad you shared this as I believe there are many FDS users who might be very used to abusive and dramatic ways of relationships ending. So if they’re in a calmer, more stable relationship (where they’re still incompatible with their partner), they might continue to stay in the relationship, despite being incompatible, because they’re only used to relationships ending in extreme ways.
I think it’s important for us to focus on these stable relationship and dating experiences, instead of stories of abuse, as it normalises healthy relationship behaviours instead of behaviours demonstrated in states of hypervigilance. I understand that there are women who will want a space to vent their traumatic relationship experiences, but I’m worried that when trauma becomes the central talking point on FDS it misdirects the focus off of general application of the strategies.
I hope I’ve articulated my point well, it’s tough to explain. My point is, we need to share more stable examples so that we’re not always thinking about trauma and essentially preparing ourselves for a state of hypervigilance, which can be a turn off when entering the dating world. Balance is crucial. Of course we should listen to our instincts and always be vetting, just not focusing on potential traumas as then we may miss important, but maybe smaller, aspects when vetting.
It's incredible what occurs to us when we assert our wants and boundaries in even the slightest manner. The whole world seems to shake doesn't it? Especially with your decision to stop drinking, that seemed to reveal so much about your relationship and fast.
I relate as I'm now 3 months sober after years of abuse and the clarity is astounding. I highly recommend FDS ladies either be sober or very acutely aware of any power alcohol has over you because it is huge in lowering inhibitions, boundaries and skewing values. You can waste years in the wrong relationship simply because you are dumbing yourself down and quieting anxieties which can actually be warning signs for us.
You should be very proud of yourself. I’m so happy you knew this wasn’t right for you and you didn’t waste much longer. Continuing to vet is so so important so never stop vetting and enjoy your life.
As others have said, you did an amazing job. I wouldn’t think of it as time wasted, thought I know all too well how it can feel that way. You learned something valuable and with your head held high, you are moving forward. Sometimes, the only way to get where we are going is to go through it, if that makes sense. My therapist would say that and I would internally roll my eyes a bit, but I think she was right.
For me, if I feel like I need to ask a man about his intentions, this is a hard no. It should flow naturally and he should make his intentions well known at a point. I feel like it’s putting myself in a strategically losing position to ever ask a man “what do you want” or “where is this going,” so I never do it: I just leave. Once those words are out of your mouth, a man will often lie to you and string you along to keep the status quo in place. It sounds like he may have done this to you. Ultimately the blame is on him — he should have been straight with you at that time. Sadly we cannot rely on men to negotiate as good faith actors, in the way many women have been socialized to behave.
Also, to your last comment, “The fastest way to get over a man is to start dating new ones.” I know it can feel good to have momentum, to feel you're moving on physically, and feel desired after such a loss. But I’ve found for me it doesn’t actually work. It's simply a kind of lie: a distraction and bypassing of my hurt and pain, and it puts me in danger of ending up with yet another man who is a mismatch. The fastest and surest way I’ve found to get over a man is to place the focus back on myself: my interests, goals, and life entire outside of men.
> This weekend, he took me out of town to my favorite local resort to celebrate my upcoming birthday. And while we were there I clearly understood why he preferred me to drink alcohol: we really didn't have much to talk about unless we were both warmed up with a couple of drinks
My ex was like this. After 6 years together he then revealed he was a secret alcoholic who literally could not just not drink on his own time 😬. So you definitely dodged a bullet - men who can't be interesting without alcohol or feel the need to rope you into consuming it so they feel normal are very likely alcoholics.
Congrats to you for leaving a man that didn’t give you obvious signs for being not what you wanted. Takes strength.
Congrats, Queen! I'm glad he wasn't super scrotey, and let you keep the necklace. That can kinda make it more difficult, at least it did for me once. I was so used to men having tantrums and getting abusive when I broke up with them, but my last boyfriend had purchased tickets to a baseball game for me and my kids, and he let us keep them, as well as his, so I could bring someone else. That was a HV move! But he was not a HVM. So I'm glad I let him go, though I did question my decision A LOT. Anyway, you thought this through carefully and I believe you made the right choice. Good on you!
Amazing job navigating this situation with your best interests in mind, showing grace and confidence. I want to especially commend you for being able to immediately delete all your shared texts and photos. Even after I had blocked various exes, it took me months or years to have the strength to scrub all reminders of them. You are so strong and I commend you for having the clarity and wisdom to end this relationship. Enjoy your sobriety and surrounding yourself with people who you truly connect with, whether that is friends, family, or yourself.
Proud of you!! These kind of things take practice
Good for you! I know from experience this is hard especially when they don’t seem like the worst guy ever. but you deserve so much better!
Wishing you the best in your new scrotation 💛
Doubt is your gut feeling talking to you. Never ignore your gut feeling. Trust it. I ignored it so much and I regret it.
These kind of posts are what scare me about FDS. I personally would be too scared to drop him for fear of hurting his feelings or not finding someone like him again 😱😓 and blocking him the second he closed the door😱 or worse, he's secretly a redpiller and will treat the next woman worse because his last efforts "didn't pay off"😨 I admire your strength to move on and find the right man for you--scarcity mindset is what I need to work on
I'm sorry that he wasn't the one, but glad for you that you realized it sooner rather than later. I'm a former "forever girlfriend" (6 years! Lol) and like you, I wish I would have listened to my instincts. Best of luck to you in the dating adventures!
This is very typical, to break up, when one partner gets sober, and the other doesn't. It immediately shows the cracks in the relationship that were always there, but never noticed because both were under the influence.