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I posted here awhile back about a guy (didn't really know him well enough to pin down if he was HLM or LVM) who popped back into my DMs after a long time asking to come to my city and go with me to an exhibit. He had been pretty flakey because of a demanding new job shift, and most ladies commented (reasonably so!) that it seemed like he was orbiting hoping for casual sex. I strongly considered deleting and blocking, but I ended up letting him come to visit (I'm not gonna lie... I was crazy curious!! I wanted to know what the actual intentions were for popping back into my life like that).
At first, it seemed like maybe the 'hoovering looking for casual sex' read of him was on point; while he paid for dinner and drinks and seemed invested in making the visit fun and impressive to me, he was very vocal about how busy he was and at the beginning of the weekend, was intentionally dropping major, major (I mean, VERY major) hints that he prioritized his work first and didn't desire a relationship. So, the 'casual sex' theory was looking pretty strong. When he said these things, I didn't really give much reaction and would just say things like "it's good that you're focused on building your career" and I definitely didn't have sex with him, though he was very touchy and obviously wanted that. (The other times we saw each other, more than a year ago, I was WAAAY more PickMe and had sex with him right away and I think he was surprised that I wasn't acting like this anymore).
As the weekend went on, his tune changed dramatically. While still sounding stressed about work, he would start describing himself as "open" to a romantic relationship and would repeat that he "wasn't seeing anybody else." And got even more touchy and PDA-ish (arm around me, kissing, holding me in public) and toward the end of the weekend, had a mate-guarding moment when some random dude asked me for a cigarette and chatted. By the time he left, he was talking eagerly about visiting again, we both had had a great time, and the goodbye was all drawn-out kissing and holding and whatnot. And now, a few days later, he's been texting constantly each day (which before he was a bit slow at) and it's "wish you were here" kinda stuff--- so, you get the idea. It started off cold, got much warmer. And now, he's doing the stuff FDS would describe as pretty high value, planning date ideas, communicating often, etc. While I was processing it, I read through the FDS handbook again to try to think through it. My feeling is to keep him in the rotation, still date others, and just keep vetting on him. I do like him a lot and we're really compatible (interests, lifestyle, personality, etc). And we hadn't seen in other in so, so long before this visit, so I guess it would have been unreasonable to expect him to be *super 100% certain* about being with me before this weekend; he could have been vetting me too. But, it does hurt to know that he entered into the experience seemingly looking for a very brief, temporary "casual sex experience" ...even if his feelings changed over the weekend. Is that LVM behaviour? Or is it HVM behaviour if he was actually vetting me to see if we were really a good match? What would FDS say about a guy with behaviour like this?
There's no person nicer than a man who hasn't had sex with you yet. Stop falling for his 'good' behaviour.
He didn’t change his tune at all. He contacted you for an easy lay and now that you aren’t jumping right back into bed with him, his ego is bruised and he’s turning up the pseudo-courtship behaviors to prove to himself that you’re still a “conquest” in his harem. He’s the same old scrote and you’re most likely one in his rotation. There’s nothing HV about anything you have described.
I read until "He had been pretty flakey...". Anything after that is actually irrelevant. You don't understand FDS. You have read it but you dont understand it .
Sis you're getting played, this man is not HV at all. He changed his narrative to get sex and believe me, once you feel safe enough to have sex with him, he'll get the ego boost and drop you like a hot potato. Or worse, he'll string you along. If you're looking for a serious relationship, why would you keep this dude in your rotation? Makes no sense.
It is definitely very sus that he changed his behavior as soon as he realized that casual sex was off the table. That is not him vetting. A HVM who is actually open to a serious commitment and romance wouldn't have tried to go the casual route first and he wouldn't have dropped hints about being too busy for a relationship. I'm not even sure he is doing this entirely on purpose, I've seen many men confuse lust and the thrill of conquest with love. He may actually believe he is more open to an actual relationship now that you've made it clear you're not a quick pump-and-dump. I'm pretty sure though that his feelings will "miraculously" disappear fairly soon.
think he might be manipulating you. he had casual sex in mind, but then he realized you're not going to give it so easily, so he changed his approach. we cannot underestimate men's ability to get sex. if he was genuiney interested in you, he would have had "the right tone" from the start. he's adapting to your rules in order for you to trust him.
i could be wrong, though. i just don't trust men. everytime i did, i got fucked. last time i got involved with a man, he paid for dates, he always had time for me, communicated constantly, treated me like i was the most important person in his life. then i said i wanted to take things slow regarding sex because i i have issues with it (i explained about the issues) and he said he would respect that. he seemed quite understandable, actaully. we agreed that he would check my consent before "doing the stuff" and guess what? he didn't keep his word. i trusted him and he blew it because "hur dur must have sex immediately or i'll explode hurp durp"
be smart!
For the record, I do believe people (yes, including men) can change.However, in this case, he has not changed. He only changed his strategy.
If you want to date this man, that’s your prerogative, you really don’t need validation or permission from us. The fact that you immediately questioned him being an LVM would be enough, and the behaviour is diametrically opposed to what FDS stands for.
I am really proud of you for coming here to write about this...as women we have been trained to dismiss our gut feelings.
Consider this analogy. And YES, I am going to objectify women the way that the majority of men actually THINK about women vs what we hope they think about us.
A man walks into a restaurant and wants chocolate ice cream. But the restaurant does not have it at the moment. But he can get the chocolate ice cream if he waits around long enough and if he is polite to the staff. He can also eat other things while at the restaurant but that is not what he REALLY wants of came in for. So once he gets the chocolate ice cream, he leaves the restaurant.
EVEN if he changed his tune (which he didn't), he has clearly demonstrated to you that he is a fickle man that changes his tune over 48 hours. That is not someone you want to be in a long term relationship with...Men that are good at relationships are thoughtful and intentional and patient. Even him getting to see you again was a win for him. Getting touch you and kiss you was a win for him.
Also, him telling you how busy he is is him creating "plausible deniability". Please do not be surprised when this becomes his default excuse to begin to neglect or treat you badly but make you feel like an idiot because he "was honest with you".
If you continue to see this man, you will feel ashamed for not listening to the women here. But I totally understand that you are human and your craving for a loving relationship may blind you to these red flags. Will you consider blocking him for now and if you MUST revisit this do it in 30-90 days? Do NOT tell him. Just say "I'm really busy" and block him from everything.
If you do this, he will: send you vitriolic messages that will reveal his true character and intentions. If he is a genuinely good man, he will be confused but he will be respectful.
You’re just making excuses for him
'i definitely didn't have sex with him' 🙄