My aunt failed to heed this rule and bragged to her new beau about money she didn't even have.
He married her within months and she was dead within the year. He forged a quit claim deed turning her house over to him for $1, and forged other documents to screw her kids out of what little money she had. My cousins got nothing.
Don't tell men about your money. It only attracts hobosexuals and sociopaths.
You mentioned no trauma dumping, but I want to expand. Do not ever let him believe you had bad experiences with men. Leave that for your therapist, trustworthy female friends you've known for years, and anonymous online communities (always turn your private messages off if you do).
You're setting the tone by claiming other men have treated you badly. All they'll hear is "this is how she's used to be treated like."
Lie.
For all they know, your ex took you to expensive vacations. You were daddy's girl and he was delighted to spoil you. Your male cousins are protective and will chop off his dick if he misbehave. You are loved and respected by all men in your life.
Some men will be absolutely intimidated by this. This is a good thing. These men have no intention of treating you well.
I remember thinking a man I dated was an amazing moral person if he heard about something bad happening to me and didn't defend the perpetrator. Even more if he was angry with whoever hurt me . Now I realize it was the bare minimum. I had it on my conscience and felt like I had to confess all of it to him or else I was cheating him out of a choice. And that it wouldn't be "right" for him to be with a crazy "damaged girl" when he was told about it 🙄 I think it didn't help that the media went wild and championed any famous man who said "I'm a feminist" or "rape is bad" as a paragon of morality. No wonder why I accepted low effort dates... my standards were so beaten down that men got to have their own double standard.s. my friends would do fun activities with me, but dates were at home (with takeaway if we were lucky) 🙄
You're in it with eyes wide open and monitoring. That is what FDS advises regardless. I'm struggling with these themes myself but I think a good man should rise up to your level, whatever that is. A big tell will be if he directly or indirectly tells you not to do things that make you happy or take care of yourself (such as pressuring you to eat when you're not hungry)
If you van avoid it, the relationship dynamics with your parents. If they know how bad or the inappropriate things your parents do, don't say anything because they might think you accept crap.
don't say anything because they might think you accept crap.
Not just that. If he thinks you have a bad relationship with your parents/family, he will assume you have nowhere to run to, nobody to come get you and nobody who will ask or look for you when he abuses you (or worse).
Not only that, always embelish your relatioship with you family, at least in the first stages. If you're friends with your mom, market her as your bff. If you don't speak much because you fight or whatever, say you have different personalities.
If you own your house, how much money you make, what you'll inherit, what you have in savings, or when you're getting a raise. They'll find a way to get their grubby hands on it if you aren't careful.
How many partners you've had, any details about your sexual past, or abuse you've suffered from men in the past. They'll just find a way to use it against you.
Where you live, where you work, any places you frequent where he could track you down. Social media accounts should be kept to yourself. Games you play and what your character name is. Class schedule, etc. He will come find you if he wants to, whether you want him to or not.
Basically I'm a total mystery until I feel I can trust him with any piece of the above info. Which if I'm being truthful hasn't happened since my ex-husband after which I learned to stay a mystery at all costs.
I know I sound paranoid but this really is the way. Hell, I don't even tell them about my vette because it's too recognizable.
I made a mistake and mentioned to a few friends I hadn't known for that long that I won't date a man who doesn't own his own house. The reason for that is that I own my condo, so I expect him to be on a similar level. They were absolutely stupefied. I already own a place to live, they said, so why would he need one too?
Girl, same level or higher always. Men will never respect a woman who does better than he does, but he's eager to use you.
My friend recently looked at me like I was crazy and stuck up when I said I don't spend money on a man unless he's my dad, and even that has limits. She insisted she'd happily split the bill on a date if the guy asked.
I asked her how many women do we know with 50/50 relationships who are happy, and after a few minutes she finally admitted none, especially when I brought up a loser guy we know who married a pickme because she pursued him.
The indoctrination runs deep.
Unknown member
Mar 09, 2023
Replying to
I tried to buy my dad a Fitbit and he made me return it because he makes so much more money then I do.
<mini rant> I would also not tell them how much free time you have. For example, I have a lot of free time to do my own thing, and people seem to get insecure about this when it's not my fault that most people mismanage their time or make out like they're way busier than they are. Basically, don't make yourself very available even if you're owning it with your time management. Your free time is your own time and it's not because you've got nothing better to do!
17
Unknown member
Mar 09, 2023
Replying to
I've had two separate exes who asked to "come over and read their book" while I am working from home on the computer. Both times I was like "aww he wants to spend as much time as possible". But in retrospect I'm like wtf? Are you trying to crowd me? I'm going to be working not cuddling with you.
Unknown member
Mar 09, 2023
Replying to
She's going to collapse from resentment and exhaustion some time in her 40s and he will be "blindsided"
Nah, he's a sociopath so he won't be surprised at all.
Also, she was taking passive-aggressive swipes at him on social media within 6 months of the wedding, so she clearly already hates him and knows he sucks. Fingers crossed she leaves him.
Depends how long you've known the man. If it's a first date, no address, no financial situation, no specific workplace or specific job--this is to protect against stalkers. Also don't give your real full name.
That you do not have a lot of friends, hobbies, appointments, are not close with your family, that the neighbors don't know you, that you work from home and do not have any boss or coworkers who will miss you if you do not show up for work, that you are new in town and don't know anyone yet...
basically anything that will make him think you are socially isolated, that nobody would miss you if you were gone (or at least not miss you very soon) or notice if you are hurt. As far as any man is concerned you have a full, busy life and LOTS of people who would notice if you are in bad shape and nosy neighbors who would miss you the second you are gone.
Abusers and predators look for women who are lonely and socially isolated on purpose because they are easy prey.
True. I'm sick of men asking me which part of my city I live in or what company I work for on first meeting me and then looking at me like I'm crazy when I say that's not information I share.
I’ll echo what a lot of women have already said on here. Don’t talk to him about your money. Don’t tell him how much you make, don’t tell him if you have loans that you’re paying off, don’t tell him how much you have in savings or in investments. Also, don’t tell him details about your relationship with your parents if it was negative, specifically your dad.
i feel like we all should have lawyers we can consult with weekly. we could present research docs on the men in our lives to said lawyer and receive counsel on the best ways to proceed
This might sound silly, but don't talk about your more nerdy/geeky interests if you have some. This includes playing video games, board games, being a fan of fantasy/sci fi franchises like Lord of The Rings, anime, cosplay and basically all interests which are common among creepy, predatory men. At least don't say this when you're still checking whether he's a safe and sane person, because lots of men with those interests are pornsick creeps (especially guys liking anime and manga). Also this kind of media is highly mysoginistic. Those women who have such hobbies know it.
I have seen recently on reddit a meme called "anime convention starterpack" and creeps were mentioned there. Also the comment section was full of comments saying how much creeps who hit on teenage girls are on those conventions. So pretending to not have those interests will repel possible scrotes like that.
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Do not ever tell a man (or anyone, really) how many people you have kissed or had sexual contact with. It's none of his business.
Do not tell him about your finances; whether you are rich or broke. He would use either against you.
You mentioned no trauma dumping, but I want to expand. Do not ever let him believe you had bad experiences with men. Leave that for your therapist, trustworthy female friends you've known for years, and anonymous online communities (always turn your private messages off if you do).
You're setting the tone by claiming other men have treated you badly. All they'll hear is "this is how she's used to be treated like."
Lie.
For all they know, your ex took you to expensive vacations. You were daddy's girl and he was delighted to spoil you. Your male cousins are protective and will chop off his dick if he misbehave. You are loved and respected by all men in your life.
Some men will be absolutely intimidated by this. This is a good thing. These men have no intention of treating you well.
If you van avoid it, the relationship dynamics with your parents. If they know how bad or the inappropriate things your parents do, don't say anything because they might think you accept crap.
If you own your house, how much money you make, what you'll inherit, what you have in savings, or when you're getting a raise. They'll find a way to get their grubby hands on it if you aren't careful.
How many partners you've had, any details about your sexual past, or abuse you've suffered from men in the past. They'll just find a way to use it against you.
Where you live, where you work, any places you frequent where he could track you down. Social media accounts should be kept to yourself. Games you play and what your character name is. Class schedule, etc. He will come find you if he wants to, whether you want him to or not.
Basically I'm a total mystery until I feel I can trust him with any piece of the above info. Which if I'm being truthful hasn't happened since my ex-husband after which I learned to stay a mystery at all costs.
I know I sound paranoid but this really is the way. Hell, I don't even tell them about my vette because it's too recognizable.
I cannot reiterate enough that you should never tell a guy how well you're doing financially. Or not too, actually. Maybe also don't tell most people.
<mini rant> I would also not tell them how much free time you have. For example, I have a lot of free time to do my own thing, and people seem to get insecure about this when it's not my fault that most people mismanage their time or make out like they're way busier than they are. Basically, don't make yourself very available even if you're owning it with your time management. Your free time is your own time and it's not because you've got nothing better to do!
Depends how long you've known the man. If it's a first date, no address, no financial situation, no specific workplace or specific job--this is to protect against stalkers. Also don't give your real full name.
That you do not have a lot of friends, hobbies, appointments, are not close with your family, that the neighbors don't know you, that you work from home and do not have any boss or coworkers who will miss you if you do not show up for work, that you are new in town and don't know anyone yet...
basically anything that will make him think you are socially isolated, that nobody would miss you if you were gone (or at least not miss you very soon) or notice if you are hurt. As far as any man is concerned you have a full, busy life and LOTS of people who would notice if you are in bad shape and nosy neighbors who would miss you the second you are gone.
Abusers and predators look for women who are lonely and socially isolated on purpose because they are easy prey.
I’ll echo what a lot of women have already said on here. Don’t talk to him about your money. Don’t tell him how much you make, don’t tell him if you have loans that you’re paying off, don’t tell him how much you have in savings or in investments. Also, don’t tell him details about your relationship with your parents if it was negative, specifically your dad.
i feel like we all should have lawyers we can consult with weekly. we could present research docs on the men in our lives to said lawyer and receive counsel on the best ways to proceed
This might sound silly, but don't talk about your more nerdy/geeky interests if you have some. This includes playing video games, board games, being a fan of fantasy/sci fi franchises like Lord of The Rings, anime, cosplay and basically all interests which are common among creepy, predatory men. At least don't say this when you're still checking whether he's a safe and sane person, because lots of men with those interests are pornsick creeps (especially guys liking anime and manga). Also this kind of media is highly mysoginistic. Those women who have such hobbies know it.
I have seen recently on reddit a meme called "anime convention starterpack" and creeps were mentioned there. Also the comment section was full of comments saying how much creeps who hit on teenage girls are on those conventions. So pretending to not have those interests will repel possible scrotes like that.
It's better not to tell him about your private life. He'll know where to aim if you do.