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I believe that dating should be a fun, casual experience where we allow men to compete for us and we then choose who we go out with. I've been actively dating a year and have allowed myself to be taken out by some amazing men, and have also turned some others down. I thought it would be fun if we listed what we say yes to and what we say no to. These are mine, and apply to being approached by men online and in person. Also I am using the world "What" instead of "Who" because these apply to both men and behaviors.
My YES:
*A man who makes a connection with me right off the bat or develops it within a couple days (online or in person, a little harder to do online but still possible!) *Someone who confidentially asks me out within an appropriate time frame *Someone who makes quality plans and sticks to them *Someone who is older (not a huge age gap, though I am guilty of being attracted to much older men every once and a while) and makes equal or more money than I do *Respects my boundaries. (duh) One of my big boundaries in the initial dating phase is I will not give my phone number to a man from an online dating site until I've met him in person and determined he's "safe" enough to do so. I've had men actually get angry at me for not wanting to give my number out and get off the app. * Quality compliments - meaning compliments that don't have anything to do with my appearance * If in person a certain presence -some men have a certain presence that I find intoxicating. It's not something I see everyday. It's a stoic, seen some shit, command presence. He has a quiet power that he doesn't have to scream to the outside world.
My NO:
*If online - a man who tries to ask me out within the first few messages without attempting to make a connection, or leaves his phone number without me asking for it.
*Anyone younger than me or makes less money ( I've gone out with younger guys who make less than I do and I've ended up taking on the masculine provider role, which doesn't feel good to me) *Online catcalling (Hey beautiful, hey sexy) Comments about my appearance from strangers on the apps really grosses me out. I love it from men I'm intimate with - but not from strangers. *Asking me what I do for a living (Despite me wanting to date someone that makes equal or more money than I do I NEVER ask men what they do for work)
*A certain quality of date. I'm comfortable enough flying solo that I can say no to dates if they don't meet my standards.
* Spontinaitey, too much in the moment, inability to plan ahead. i.e. Asking me out for same day dates. I've dated men like this in the past and it puts me in the masculine place of having to be the one who makes the plans instead of being able to lean back and show up.
What are some of yours? Mine all apply to the initial dating phase because that's where I am right now. We are all in different phases in our relationships with men, feel free to share any and all!
Ooohh this one 100%! I love this so much and I feel like I don't hear people talk about it or give it a name. Sometimes it even shows up on a recording of someone -- they're so high level that they have a sort of gravitas. I aspire to be like this too but I've yet to learn to keep my ego in check and I still try to show off to others.... cringe....
Yes:
1. He shows that he remembers what you have been talking to him about. For example, on your next date he asks about how brunch with your friend from out of town went because you mentioned she was visiting on your last date. He remembers your preferences and caters to them, eg. he plans a date at the new Asian fusion restaurant because he remembered that you like Asian cuisine.
2. He asks interesting questions and is interested in your answers.
3. He initiates calls on the phone (why is this so rare!!)
4. He cares about his appearance: uses something other than 3 in one shampoo, washes his face, owns more clothing options than cargo shorts and nike sneakers
5. He makes mistakes but takes responsibility for them and is capable of saying the words "I'm sorry." without being defensive.
6. His friends are also courteous, respectable men who hold each other accountable and challenge each other in healthy ways. Birds of a feather flock together.
7. He enjoys your happiness and seeks to find ways to bring you joy
No:
1. He shows that he is not listening to what you say. Eg. he asks if you have any siblings on date three even though you told him a funny story about you and your sister on date one or he plans a date at a steakhouse even though you've told him you are a vegan.
2. He is too impressed with himself or too impressed with you. Both types suck. He can't be a narcissist and have no respect for you but it is also a turn off when he is a simp right off the bat because a HVM will be confident in his own value.
3. He texts all day long but doesn't say anything of value. I HATE "good morning :)" "how was your day" "how was work" "goodnight :)" texts from men who haven't earned it. If we just started talking you need to differentiate yourself from dry toast, sir.
4. He holds covert or overt misogynistic beliefs about gender roles. I want a masculine man but a healthy masculine man. I went on a date with a guy once who told me about the cute thing his sister did for his mother for mother's day and he jokingly said "It was definitely a woman thing, a guy could have never thought of a gift like that." It was just a cute banner with pictures of the siblings and the moms favorite candy... That was weaponized incompetence in a way I hadn't seen before.
These are all good 🙂 I have never been on a date with your yes list men. The no list men are a dime a dozen.
yes I love all these, you made great points. the one about an intoxicating, stoic presence is very important for me - Its like the saying "walk softly carry a big stick" he knows how to lead, plan things out, he knows where he's going but he's also polite, humble, and soft spoken, having a commanding presence is not the same as him being a Dom/wanting a submissive woman.
my ideal man would have that stoicism. he'd also have traits like being a go-getter, hard worker, he'd be handy as well as have good cooking and cleaning skills, and he'd like the finer things In life (art, museums, finer foods, travel, etc). he'd also have the same level of education as me or higher (same with salary). he'd dress sharply, be well groomed, and smell nice (too many men show up to dates in clothes that dont fit them and smell like moth balls!)
he'd like to spend his days off going on road trips and generally going out. I dont like staying in and I dont enjoy sitting on the couch and watching Netflix unless im not feeling well.
he needs to be diplomatic and respectful of my boundaries, we talk things out logically and calmly rather than yelling or playing passive aggressive games. he needs to have his own hobbies / friends (NO video games or anime! no exceptions)
he doesn't do anything to create strain: his exes are deleted and blocked, if someone runs into him he waves and keeps walking or just ignores them (I ignore my exes and keep walking if I see them somewhere). I dont date men who entertain / flirt with other women when theyre seeing me or men that have kids. I dont want kids so no single dads
everything I described are standards and aspects that I also have and hold myself to, im really looking for someone with a similar lifestyle / personality as me.