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This forum has become a place I see as containing a wealth of knowledge and experience. As such, I was wondering whether anyone can share any resources that you've found particularly useful in identifying the traits of good relationships, or just anything that I can refer back to readily when the toxicity I've seen modelled around me starts to find its way back in.
Trying to keep the pickme tendencies at bay!
Here are my top tips after the journey of dating a bunch of LVM, finally seeing the light with FDS, and cultivating a healthy relationship: #1 by far: You should feel continually calm and at peace in your relationship, NOT butterflies or rollercoasters!!! No exceptions! #2: He should LOVE taking action for you, whether it’s paying, planning, carrying, pleasuring. His favorite activity is attending to your needs and making you happy. #3: You truly see a future with him. You are not wasting your time dating a man while you already know you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with him. You continue to vet, but you respect and admire him and feel optimistic that you could enjoy a lifetime of him providing for you and cherishing you.
- One of the most important factors in a healthy relationship is that bids for connection are answered the majority of the time, e.g. when you want to talk, reach for a hug, do something together. No one can be "on" for you 24/7 but a good partner will try to use every opportunity to connect. They give you as much of their attention as they can, and you feel like a priority in their life, not an afterthought.
- When conflicts inevitably arise, you can patch things over like adults. Some people might think a healthy relationship means no conflict at all, I think any two people will experience some small and big disagreements along the way, and if they don't, they're probably enmeshed in an unhealthy way. Conflict doesn't mean yelling and fighting, though. Any negative interaction can possibly damage the relationship, so successful couples know how to actively address and resolve any bumps on the road. Many couples who have a seemingly harmonious relationship only achieve this harmony by never speaking up or acting like conflicts never happened, this is almost as harmful as constant fighting.
- In a healthy relationship, your needs will be heard, but there's also a (reasonable) amount of (mutual) sacrifice. You need to be able to temporarily put your partner's needs before your own, and they need to do the same for you. I think this is the most tricky balance to achieve because some people (usually men) lean more selfish and others (usually women) tend to overextend themselves, but both selfishness and selflessness are needed in a relationship. There is a "we", but still a "you" and "I".
- You maintain healthy and fulfilling hobbys and relationships outside of the couple life.
- You support each other's dreams and passions.
- You are willing to let yourself be influenced by the other and grow together as a result. You can't have a relationship but still maintain full and complete independence. Of course you need an exit strategy and a solid foundation of autonomy, but people who only ever work on their individual goals and only prize their own opinions drift apart over time.
- You are able to tolerate your differences and respect each other's way of doing things and seeing the world.
- You work as a team vs. any problems that arise, instead of making each other the enemy.
- You appreciate each other, can share nonsexual touch frequently, give each other meaningful gifts, continue flirting and going on dates
A good question for any kind of relationship, being is family, friend or partner.
I think it's the ability to talk about everything and anything, knowing full well you won't be judged or rejected. To be able to open up in such a way is calming and freeing. You'll want to help someone you share this kind of bond with be happy, and they will want the same for you. You can learn and grow together: in separate furrows but ploughing along perpendicular.
No relationship runs completely smooth, but the difference is that when issues arise you both want to resolve them in a way that makes both of you happy. If you are able to talk about anything and everything, then you might even be able to anticipate the rocks and tree roots that interrupt your furrows, and plan around them. One person's needs do not take priority over another's.
It takes time to reach this kind of space with anyone. FDS is how to reach it safely.