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This might seem like a weird question but I genuinely think I dont understand this concept. I have always had an interest in being in a relationship but for some reason the „I just wanna be loved“ reason was never one of my own. The only reason I want to date/get married is out of fun. I just think its a good time.
It is obviously a privileged perspective because there are many more serious reasons for it but deep down this is mine. I dont care much for the being loved aspect of it or maybe I dont understand what it means exactly?
I think its the reason I didnt fall into many of mens traps where they use love bombing and similar methods. I just find it a little ridiculous. This is of course no shame to my women who do believe it and want to believe it, manipulation comes in all forms and nobody is safe from it, I have plenty weaknesses.
I want to ask if anybody here feels the same way or if you dont, could you describe the feeling you feel and if you think it has to do with unhealed wounds or if it comes naturally to you? This might even be a dumb post honestly! I just havent talked to anyone who felt the same yet, so I am curious.
When people talk about "being loved", they probably envision movie love. Flowers, chocolates, being picked up and spun around, amazing sex, stuff like that. And of course, that's part of a relationship. But this never particularly enticed me either, at least not in the long term. We all know that stable companionship requires a different kind of love. I feel well loved when someone lends me their ear, is happy for me when I have something to celebrate, sad for me when I have something to mourn, takes part in my interests, remembers my likes and dislikes, notices the little quirks that make me unique, someone whom you can sit on the floor laughing and eating cereal with at 3am. This is all not necessarily romantic, you can have the same things with a good friend. I do actually need and want my partner to be my best buddy. Basically, love is building a life with someone, weathering any storm together. I feel loved when someone wants to do that with me. Of course, attraction and passion play a part in it, that's what makes it romantic versus platonic, but the essence of it has a lot more to do with kindness, humility and cooperation than with romance. ETA: how to know whether it's genuine love or just attachment wounds being triggered? The latter is usually extremely strong, but also confusing and anxiety-inducing. That being said, I think part of our wounding will always be activated by a partner, even in a healthy relationship. We need new relational experiences to overcome certain wounds, that's the only way the nervous system learns. Therefore I don't necessarily subscribe to the idea that you need to be "fully healed" before you date. Of course one should be sufficiently healed as to not fall victim to love bombing and the thrill of toxicity. A good partner reacts to your inevitable triggers with generosity and calmness. With the wrong person, there will be drama.
Bit confused but I want to feel like he genuinely loves me and isn’t messing around with other women. I want to feel his generosity through his actions - on the way that he doesn’t give other women too much attention and gives me enough for me to feel secure.
I don’t have an answer for you, but this is something I have been wondering about. I just want a companion to experience life with. I don’t think men are socialized to be capable of the kind of love I experience with my family and close girlfriends (very close to “unconditional”). I don’t know if this is a pessimistic or realistic way of thinking but it’s how I feel. In my opinion, the idolized idea of “love” between romantic partners is mostly manufactured by the media. People marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon in human history (there are exceptions of course).
I want: - someone who always has my back and will put on a united front with me if push came to shove - someone who feels like home whose loyalty/interest/intention I never have to question -full time respect and occasional romance is important. I would reciprocate this -zero expedition of being mummy’d or bangmaided. Someone who loved me the way I wanted would be disgusted at the thought of me prostrating myself in such a way Thanks for the thought-provoking thread. 😎
I think I can relate. I suppose I've never had any particular desire to be loved. Actually, I never had any particular interest dating, or least of all relationships. Until I found myself dating an HVM who loved me.
But reading your post made me think of something. A relationship in and of itself isnt fun (a lot women get into relationships that are predominantly stressful and upsetting), so getting married for fun, as you say, is the wrong way to look at it. Think about it like this: if a man loves you, he's going to devote (at least part of) his life to making you happy and making your life easier every single day. That's fun. And you'll do the same for him because you love him too, and that's what HVW do. That's more gratifying than fun, but it keeps things moving forward. But you can only have that if he loves you.
I feel so confused lately about whether I even ever want a relationship again. I felt incredibly emotionally and intellectually connected to my first partner and yet he ended up being neglectful and abusive. I know he'd be there for me and does deeply 'love' me. He's reliable in that sense. I just don't need that. Being loved hasn't been very high on my list. What I'd like is someone who can let their mind flow and be free with me while still able to anchor that ship to the shore so we never get lost. It's like I can have one or the other and I don't really care whether they supposedly love me or not.
I wonder if our ideas of love just don't feel like love as much as a script of what we think love is and perhaps it should be that way to protect us anyway.
Rambling 🙈
Read bell hooks "All about love". Love is a verb .
This is my typical reason for wanting to be in a relationship. However, I've learned that it's not a good reason. Either you end up being exploited just because you want to feel loved, or you end up exploiting someone else...making them fall in love with you and taking that love when you might have nothing to give. "The need to feel loved" speaks to the need to fill a void within yourself. You should not use another person's live to fill you up. You should not take that from someone in order to feel whole and happy. I'm still working on this myself, and I'm in the middle of an addictive situation with someone that I can't let go of. I'm just learning that this love addiction is NOT love. No real love should ever hurt, make you feel emotionally insecure, stepping around glass, etc. This passionate, tearful dramatic dance with someone else is not necessarily love, and he is as flawed as me unfortunately.
Edit: Wanted to add that I want the same as other women here have posted...a man who genuinely loves me and does not look at other women or cheat. He must care about my emotions, and not ignore or belittle or outright deny my needs to feel secure with him. I want to find a man that not only does this for me, but one I can passionately love, admire, and respect in return. But I am at the point of understanding that perhaps this will never happen and I must be content to be alone, rather than with a manwho will repeatedly hurt me that I love or settle for a good man I do not have feelings gs for.
Right now, I desperately want physical love, so my mind isn't even on other things. So, I'm sticking to my standards like a drill sargent so the few good looking men around don't affect me.
I didn't realize dating or love was supposed to be fun until I came to FDS. To me, dating was the same thing as extreme emotional pain.