.png)
I don't work. I have a business. I don't date men who want me to or expect me to work, and I consider this question a huge red flag because it feels like he's trying to see how "independent" I am and whether or not I'd be willing to help him pay his rent.
Do you consider this question a red flag, do you deselect them from your rotation, or how do you go about answering this?
Some men are just dumb and bad at conversation, so I get it if some guys ask this just to have something to ask, but currently if a guy asks me what I do for work I just tell him I don't, that I own a business and that's it.
I'm not going 50/50 with a dude, I expect him to provide fully and in my experience HVM never ask this.
What are your thoughts?
Your way of thinking was extremely common back in the day. There's nothing wrong with it. I grew up wanting to be a homemaker and nothing else; unfortunately, I married and divorced a scrote, so it's off to work for me. I'm finishing up my nursing degree and I find myself somewhat resentful when people ask "what kind of nurse do you want to be?" Or "where do you want to work?" None and nowhere! I do not want to work anywhere! I got jipped, and I'm just doing my best with the cards i was dealt. I will not have the life I watched my mother and grandmother enjoy. I know these people don't mean any harm - they're just making small talk. But it's a sore subject for me.
I hate it too. I’m not auditioning to be a mule. It’s common now and has become typical first date conversation, so I regard it as a yellow flag if it comes up naturally in conversation. If it’s the very first question especially on a dating app I unmatch, or if it’s clear it’s a point of conversation. I also hint that I aspire to be a lady of leisure when asked about my “goals” or 5yr plan. That clears the field pretty quickly.
I like this question. It's a common thing to ask where I live, and useful to ask at the beginning of a date or talking stage to help me decide if I’m going to bail early or not.
If I tell him what I do and he immediately follows up with “how much do you make?” I guarantee you he’s already fantasizing about being a kept trophy husband. If he gets cagey and uncomfortable, he’s just another scrote trapped in the iron box of toxic masculinity and he’ll spend the rest of the night trying to “take me down a peg” and probably try to make me pay the bill. Either way, neither of those situations are going to pan out because oop, date’s over byeeee
I find that work is a default topic of conversation in the US, both in dating and in general when meeting new people. It’s definitely a red flag if a guy is trying to figure out how much money you make, and being insecure about it or using it to try to pressure you into paying. But more commonly, men love talking about their own work, and they are asking you first as a sheen of politeness, and then they can talk the entire date about their own job if you let them. In either case, leave the date asap, block and delete. With that said, I don’t mind touching on the topic as long as it’s only a very brief topic within getting-to-know-you small talk.
Easier now that I’m older and part of the Great Resignation. Money by one’s 40s/50s most definitely should be sorted out and there is no exception other than catastrophe or medical bills. Super easy at my age to see who wants a nurse and a purse. Once again, living apart and keeping all money separate really cuts out on the vast majority of users, abusers, and losers.
It is super usual to ask this where I live, even on social settings like meeting friends of my friends. I really don’t like it because ten minutes later and everyone is talking about their work 🙄 The good thing about this question is that the answer usually comes with the storytelling of the guy on how he got his work, or what he has done before, which gives us good clues on him as HV or LV
Knowing what a person does is fairly integral to getting to know them, yes? I will say that I did date a German who had spent sone years in the US, and he said that dating was a lot more transactional over there. As in, girls would ask him his salary on the first date, which as a Brit I find slightly odd and intrusive. Cultural differences. Perhaps because we have a safety net, poor as it is. However, knowing in which field someone works is a good way to know their rough earning potential.
For me, my standard isn't about a high income. I don't intend of having a baby so I won't need intense financial support. Personally, I want a man who is passionate about his work and who gains fulfilment from it. The thing about my above dating example is that he worked in tech and earned a good amount of money - but that's what became his value (to him). This isn't healthy for anyone, man or woman.
I'd rather date a social worker who genuinely wants to help people on a shitty salary, (but obviously with financial sense). What was that Bronte quote from a couple weeks ago? First he must have principle.
The question is a red flag. The last time a man asked me that I sent him a middle finger emoji and he just replied 'Lol' like, he knew it was a shit question to ask.
Where I live this is usually just a question guys ask so you'll ask back and then they can call about their jobs. Everyone loves talking about their jobs where I live. I once asked this to a guy my friend was chatting with while we were on vacation in the west coast hm just trying to make small talk and he laughed and said how I was definitely from the east coast. Where I'm from though it's asked "so what do you do?" But it's always meant as what do you do for work. It's an annoying question because I do alot of cool things all of which being nowt interesting than working
I was a teacher and other helping professions can tell you, scrotes tell on themselves super quick when they know you are a teacher or nurse especially. Either over-idealizing and negating all strength of character in guiding and controlling the classroom, or getting their backs up and either outright stating or implying that you are a harridan and they hated Ms. X in x grade. If they follow that up about how they got revenge and acted out, psychopath time. This is why I loved Jack: as a professor, he got teaching, in all its nuances. I’ve talked to so many other teachers who simply won’t discuss work with anyone outside the profession.
Hmm I only consider it a red flag if his tune switches up after telling him. In that case, you could use the question in your favor to vet. Playing the 'dumb fox' role works great here as well. Keep your profession very vague and you will continue to hold that power until you're ready to disclose that information.
It’s hard to explain but men can ask without asking. I had plenty of scrotes trigger my spidey senses with their “do you work?” type questions. With my boyfriend it came up naturally in terms of how we spent our time and structured our lives. My ex-husband was a gambling (as well as porn) addict and money was always tough. I was clear in my mind that I wanted a man who would provide and care for me and my son but equally was never so tacky as to ask what he earned. Instead I observed how he acted around money and while I will always work, I’m happy I’ve found a man with the right values regarding family.
I mean most of the population works for someone else, that's not a red flag lol.
I feel like what you do for work, including your business, which is work I'm assuming, takes up a lot of one's time, is an indication of interest/personality
It is a definite consideration
I always ask the guy, if he isn't interested in what I spend most of my waking hours doing then I'd be concerned
This should never be asked in my opinion. It's none of his business. I don't see men helping. I've literally never asked anyone that in my life.