I love this question. This is why I laugh when people "OK BOOMER" me. I want to tell them -- "It's even worse than you think! I'm actually a mid-Victorian!"
Things I would say need to come back in a BIG WAY, which I adhere to, and have been since before I heard of FDS:
NO 50/50.
No OLD.
Wait a minute, it gets much worse! --
No speaking to me at all unless we've been properly introduced by a mutual friend. Of course in certain cases you may ("Excuse me, miss, you dropped this handkerchief") but you'd better precede it with an "I beg your pardon" and speak politely.
And if you (a stranger) speak familiarly to me, you are going to get the Death Stare. I want this to come back to the extent that a man doesn't have to wonder why you're looking at him like that. He will know.
If the Death Stare isn't feasible (or isn't effective), I favor a very chilly sounding "Pardon me, but have we been introduced?"
Bring back the idea of fathers, brothers, and male cousins who would literally challenge any man who would get fresh with me. I like the idea of a ring around me of "WHAT WOULD YOU, VARLET?" which would let a man know that he's going to face Consequences. (I like this idea even though I'm a feminist.)
No personal remarks. Not even compliments that are personal. Not until you know me much better. ("Personal" in this case being defined as "having to do with my person." That is, anything physical. They can compliment my personality and my character, but my face/figure/etc. is off limits.) This used to be a thing ("personal remarks are in bad taste") and if it were still a societal norm, what a lot of problems it would solve!
No personal gifts during the courting phase. Obviously don't send lingerie, that breaks all the rules -- but also, clothing in general is too personal. A box of candy is nice (I won't eat it, I don't do sugar, but I don't want to deprive you of the chance of saying "Sweets to the sweet!"). After we come to an understanding, a book of poetry would be good. Show me that you're making attempts to get to know me on a meaningful basis. Try to find that middle ground between "too impersonal" and "too personal." Money is A HUGE NO-NO.
When a couple gets engaged, it used to be bad manners to offer congratulations to the woman. You congratulated the MAN. To the woman, you simply offered your heartfelt wishes for her happiness. Congratulating HER was a faux-pas because it implied she had been trying to "catch" him and had succeeded.
We modern women devalue ourselves on a daily basis. When we put out the message to men that we're not really worthy of good treatment, they pick up on that and act accordingly. I'm not shifting the blame here -- the men should not act like knaves regardless, and some do manage to remain HV -- but we women throw ourselves under the bus constantly.
I've been thinking a lot over the last few years about how victorian manners needed to make a big comeback. Between pandemics becoming more common, and the risks posed by modern technology (trackers the size of a coin will soon be cameras the size of rice), the extra layer of ceremony will be an invaluable layer of protection. A lot of the rules and customs performed multiple purposes and made it very difficult for a fraudulent or dangerous individual to ingratiate themselves unknowingly to vulnerable people.
I think a lot of advice regarding a possible suitor's financial situation has been considered outdated for some time but needs to come back. Not so long a ago the first question to a prospective son in law was "What do you do for work and how are you going to provide for my daughter?" And if that question wasn't settled to everyone's satisfaction the whole thing was over before it began. And that's not mean or classist. I'm not saying "only date millionaires" (unless that's truly what you are into) but financial stability (and the lack of it) will have a huge impact on your life.
It actually becomes more and more important if we look at the current economy and inflation. We cannot afford the dead weight and risk of a partner/husband who is broke, in debt or simply not responsible with money in such uncertain times. "Love conquers all" may sound romantic but it's a lot less so if you lose your home and savings because he screwed up and have to raise your kids in a van.
On a similar note (and this is going to get controversial): his health matters, too. Again, "love conquers all" sounds romantic but ending up as a nurse and purse for a chronically ill husband who is unable to work to support the family or who is going to die young is not. I'm not advocating for leaving a partner you love just because he gets sick, but if you can avoid that predicament in the first place... why sign up for it? If you want to go further and want children, find out about hereditary diseases or risk factors in his family. Why burden your future children with that if you can avoid it? There are so many risks you can't avoid, but there are some you can. If you truly love the man, there is still the option of IVF and a sperm donor.
28
Unknown member
Sep 30, 2022
Replying to
Totally agree with you! Especially on the health/genetics thing. Take a look at how you take care of your own health. If he's not on a similar level as you, most likely he will get sick (making you his caretaker) and die earlier. Not to mention, he won't be able to keep up with an active lifestyle, and you'll have to take care of his aches and pains due to a bad diet, lack of exercise, lack of stress management, excessive alcohol use, etc. It's better to date men who have similar healthy habits as you.
I agree with both your points, but esp on the financial side of things. Ideally, Id like to be a stay at home mum, tho I can work part time in my line of work (Im an aesthetician). I currently earn 50k a year, so ideally a guy should be able to support both of us if we were to marry and start having kids. So he should at least be yearning 80-100k a year. Of course there are going to be HVM who are not earning that much, but if i meet them then I’ll consider it then. But if he is earning the same amount or less than me, then thats a no-go as how would we be able to afford me being off of work for 12 months - having a baby and then looking after it the first few months after its born? As women we do need to consider what a man is earning financially because it doesn’t affect just him, but us and our children.
- The man always drives. If/when they’re living apart, the man should be coming to the woman’s part of town for dates more often than her going to his neighborhood. For spending time at one of their places, it should be the reverse.
- (This might be super specific to being a WOC and the grandchild of immigrants, but) the man shouldn’t really be engaging with the woman’s family as if he were “part of the family” until an engagement , or a short time right before. In my culture, you’re either single, engaged to be married, or married. There’s no in between (this is a simplification but I kinda love it haha).
- Along those lines, no lovey-dovey shit in front of your parents. This doesn’t mean act super COLD to each other, but touching, kissing, etc. should be kept to a minimum.
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I love this question. This is why I laugh when people "OK BOOMER" me. I want to tell them -- "It's even worse than you think! I'm actually a mid-Victorian!"
Things I would say need to come back in a BIG WAY, which I adhere to, and have been since before I heard of FDS:
NO 50/50.
No OLD.
Wait a minute, it gets much worse! --
No speaking to me at all unless we've been properly introduced by a mutual friend. Of course in certain cases you may ("Excuse me, miss, you dropped this handkerchief") but you'd better precede it with an "I beg your pardon" and speak politely.
And if you (a stranger) speak familiarly to me, you are going to get the Death Stare. I want this to come back to the extent that a man doesn't have to wonder why you're looking at him like that. He will know.
If the Death Stare isn't feasible (or isn't effective), I favor a very chilly sounding "Pardon me, but have we been introduced?"
Bring back the idea of fathers, brothers, and male cousins who would literally challenge any man who would get fresh with me. I like the idea of a ring around me of "WHAT WOULD YOU, VARLET?" which would let a man know that he's going to face Consequences. (I like this idea even though I'm a feminist.)
No personal remarks. Not even compliments that are personal. Not until you know me much better. ("Personal" in this case being defined as "having to do with my person." That is, anything physical. They can compliment my personality and my character, but my face/figure/etc. is off limits.) This used to be a thing ("personal remarks are in bad taste") and if it were still a societal norm, what a lot of problems it would solve!
Trying harder. Send flowers. Write love letters. Sketch something (not me).
No personal gifts during the courting phase. Obviously don't send lingerie, that breaks all the rules -- but also, clothing in general is too personal. A box of candy is nice (I won't eat it, I don't do sugar, but I don't want to deprive you of the chance of saying "Sweets to the sweet!"). After we come to an understanding, a book of poetry would be good. Show me that you're making attempts to get to know me on a meaningful basis. Try to find that middle ground between "too impersonal" and "too personal." Money is A HUGE NO-NO.
When a couple gets engaged, it used to be bad manners to offer congratulations to the woman. You congratulated the MAN. To the woman, you simply offered your heartfelt wishes for her happiness. Congratulating HER was a faux-pas because it implied she had been trying to "catch" him and had succeeded.
We modern women devalue ourselves on a daily basis. When we put out the message to men that we're not really worthy of good treatment, they pick up on that and act accordingly. I'm not shifting the blame here -- the men should not act like knaves regardless, and some do manage to remain HV -- but we women throw ourselves under the bus constantly.
I think a lot of advice regarding a possible suitor's financial situation has been considered outdated for some time but needs to come back. Not so long a ago the first question to a prospective son in law was "What do you do for work and how are you going to provide for my daughter?" And if that question wasn't settled to everyone's satisfaction the whole thing was over before it began. And that's not mean or classist. I'm not saying "only date millionaires" (unless that's truly what you are into) but financial stability (and the lack of it) will have a huge impact on your life.
It actually becomes more and more important if we look at the current economy and inflation. We cannot afford the dead weight and risk of a partner/husband who is broke, in debt or simply not responsible with money in such uncertain times. "Love conquers all" may sound romantic but it's a lot less so if you lose your home and savings because he screwed up and have to raise your kids in a van.
On a similar note (and this is going to get controversial): his health matters, too. Again, "love conquers all" sounds romantic but ending up as a nurse and purse for a chronically ill husband who is unable to work to support the family or who is going to die young is not. I'm not advocating for leaving a partner you love just because he gets sick, but if you can avoid that predicament in the first place... why sign up for it? If you want to go further and want children, find out about hereditary diseases or risk factors in his family. Why burden your future children with that if you can avoid it? There are so many risks you can't avoid, but there are some you can. If you truly love the man, there is still the option of IVF and a sperm donor.
- No kissing on the first date
- No sex until much later
- The woman should be courted. Consistently.
- The man always drives. If/when they’re living apart, the man should be coming to the woman’s part of town for dates more often than her going to his neighborhood. For spending time at one of their places, it should be the reverse.
- (This might be super specific to being a WOC and the grandchild of immigrants, but) the man shouldn’t really be engaging with the woman’s family as if he were “part of the family” until an engagement , or a short time right before. In my culture, you’re either single, engaged to be married, or married. There’s no in between (this is a simplification but I kinda love it haha).
- Along those lines, no lovey-dovey shit in front of your parents. This doesn’t mean act super COLD to each other, but touching, kissing, etc. should be kept to a minimum.
Don't chase men
I wish I listened haah
I'm just dropping this here... This scientist proves her grandmother's advice
2:19 is when the grandmother's advice is brought up.
5:13 Dopamine
5:46 Oxytocin
6:19 Testosterone
6:31 Vasopressin