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Hey all - I'm going through a breakup and reflecting on what I bring to the table and what a HVM could bring to the table, and I'm struggling to see where even a HVM is likely to contribute.
I'm educated (Ivy league), professionally successful, own my place, have traveled extensively, healthy, have a good friend network (although many of my close friends have moved out of my local area and are now stops on trips I'll take during the year). I'm creative and have a ton of passions (I play the piano, cook, speak Italian, have a deep knowledge of high-end restaurants, fashion, interior design) and am extremely caring and perceptive.
The area that I struggle more is with loneliness or some of the more basic self-care. I was diagnosed with ADHD during the pandemic and have realized how much it has contributed to a lot of the disorganization around the house or inability to maintain a consistent sleep or exercise schedule; since medicating, this has improved 100x, but I still have days where I backslide.
I've always had this dream of finding a life partner (man) who can be my best friend and support me when I'm having self doubt or feeling emotional, but my pragmatic side and a lot of what I've taken away from FDS is that the man should be the provider financially (because they earn more) and offer a shallower level of companionship or emotional support (because they are less trustworthy and loyal), and I don't think that's what I really need.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a partner who can double or triple the household income and be a solid companion emotionally, intellectually, physically, but given where the bar is today, I feel a lot of doubt I will ever find this person; maybe I'll find someone who earns similarly and has some of the qualities I'm looking for (intelligent, well-read, attractive, adventurous, healthy, high EQ), but I'm losing hope that this exists.
Are there any success stories out there that can brighten my day? Or am I deep in break-up heartbreak and just need to chill for a while? TIA for the advice/support.
My man brings safety, strength, emotional intelligence, humor, humility, kindness, empathy, stability, and he spoils me rotten. All of this = PEACE.
TLDR: HVM can enhance our lives through their actions, attentiveness, and additional resources in a variety of forms. I identify with you as a fellow well-educated, cultured, self-sufficient, high-earning homeowner, and I have grappled with this question as well. My goal in a relationship is for my partner to increase my quality of life. For me, more money doesn’t really do that. I already live fairly frugally and save much of my income. On the financial/career side, it is important to me that he has a stable career that he enjoys, he is well-educated, he pays for most of our shared expenses, and he would never in a million years expect for me to supplement his own personal finances. What my boyfriend provides is emotional and physical security, someone who holds my comfort and happiness in highest regard and actively strives to increase them for me, mental energy of planning evenings out for us, physical labor of many kinds for me, providing me with physical affection and pleasure, cooking for me, remembering my preferences and ensuring they are continually enacted, constantly attending to me and keeping me out of harm’s way, complementary interests and knowledge, a warm and kind extended family that he has a positive relationship with, and simply seeing in both his expression and his everyday actions that he cherishes me and wants to give everything he can to me. I believe in polarity of relationships. By having a trustworthy, strong, generous, protective man by my side, I am able to reside in my feminine, receptive, calm energy even more deeply. Yes, I can do everything for myself. Yet it’s enjoyable to have someone else do things for me. I absolutely believe that you should never rely on a romantic relationship to get your needs met. For instance in your case catlady, you cannot rely on a man to compensate for your ADHD. It’s too dangerous for him to have power over you, or for you to not be able to function without him. However, I find that my relationship enhances my life both emotionally and pragmatically, while I still am the one to meet my own needs. It’s completely plausible that you don’t need or want a man for anything. In that case, enjoy an incredibly peaceful and free single life. It takes a tremendous amount of leveling up to even consider the fact that a man can’t give you anything that you can give yourself. Yet there may be some areas in which the right HVM makes you an even more joyful, secure, self-actualized woman. It’s that possibility that keeps so many women continuing the grueling path of dating and seeking out a life partner, and I believe it’s worth aspiring to, while also accepting that life is grand solo if it doesn’t come to pass.
Sorry I don't have any advice but I have thought of this same dilemma often. For very high earning woman, I'm not sure how the FDS provider HVM philosophy applies. Sure there are men who earn 400k+ a year and you can wait to meet one. But is it worth it for an already high earning woman to pass on a guy earning 150 or 200k, but has hvm qualities? I don't know the answer. It seems like for very high earning woman, the pickings are sparse.
Also if you want children and both parents have high powered careers, who will take care of them? Not everyone wants their children raised by nannies. A high earning woman could wait until she meets a man on the same level, but usually one person has to take a career break for children.
The question again becomes, is it worth it to still date hypergamously? For very high earning woman, I think hypergamous dating needs to be broadened to other ways a man can improve your life. For example, for a woman who was an only child with few siblings, marrying into a large, close knit family could be a huge addition to her life, more than her man earning an extra 100k.
Idk I always thought of the "provider role" to be more than about money. Obviously money gets mentioned a lot because most women here don't make what you do and could easily end up homeless after a bad break-up or when their 50-50 husband does 20 years before you with no retirement or life insurance. Unfortunately with your earning power a man who earns less than you may end up resentful and bitter because men suck like that, but if you can find a guy who does the other parts of the provider role, like being your pillar of support at home, I think everyone here would be very happy for you even if he doesn't earn more.
Late husband Jack was older and had health issues but he was 100% an intellectual partner, extremely emotionally safe and so very kind, and someone who was supportive so yes they do exist. (His best male friend and colleague Lynn is the same way, just an all around fantastic guy who I’ve known for nearly 30 years now). I’m not as high earning as you but I possess many of the same qualities. I don’t need or want a financial provider since I would insist on living apart together. Having already been married twice, I’m looking for companionship so yes, for me, he has to be an emotional provider, trustworthy, consistent, stable, kind, loving. Just remember that your ideal HVM is not someone else’s. When you click, you really will “just know”! For me with Jack, something finally relaxed in me down to the marrow of my bones because he was just so utterly safe physically and compelling intellectually. It was just what I needed and wanted. All I can say is, keep leveling up; be your true, authentic self, and be patient.
I actually made a list of things a man could add to my life personally and I've seen my partner consistently deliver them – some of it more, some less, of course, but overall, he definitely adds value. Naturally, this list is highly subjective and probably not applicable to anyone else other than me. However, let it be noted that when listing out all your wishes / requirements, it might seem like a tall order at first, but we just have to take a look at ourselves and realize we probably are and do all of those things already (or the things that complement them). So why shouldn't we expect the same from our partners? Most men suck but those who don't can have just the same good qualities as women have. A few years ago, I wouldn't have believed I could find someone like my partner, but here I am. Just to name a few things he brings to the table: grounds and calms me, is highly empathetic and understanding, provides valuable philosophical and spiritual input, proactively helps me and takes mental load off, understands and supports my vegan lifestyle (technically vegetarian himself but eats vegan when we're together), is extremely affectionate, is passionate, skilled and generous in bed, is very thoughtful and attentive, does little things to make even a basic day special, keeps himself attractive for me, takes interest in my family and friends and accompanies me to every social event, is also a great co-host, knows how to party (lol), keeps improving himself, has interesting hobbies I can learn from, takes interest in and joins my creative hobbies... I could go on. Point is: I found what I was looking for and so can you.
Skim reading in between meetings but I think the notion of a high value man has more to do with how he makes you feel as opposed to how he provides materially. I know an awesome psychologist who was top of her game and her much-loved late husband was a tradesman. They were the very best of friends and her love for him pours out of her despite him being gone for 20+ years. There’s no doubt in my mind her earning was higher than his, but what he brought to her life in other areas far far exceded that criteria. He was her ultimate HVM.
I don't think you took any of the meat of FDS if you think we expect a shallower level of companionship from our partners Scrap that line of thinking "what you bring to the table" that's a vs narrative meant to put women in the pick-me mindset. You are an accomplished lady, who works hard on her passions and self improvement- that's also what you're looking for in a man. Chill out, you're doing fine- wanting to justify why you shouldn't be single is part of the process, but it isn't the destination
I’d listen to the Judge Lynn Toler podcast because she talks a little bit about her long-term relationship with her HV husband as the breadwinner in the relationship.
I’m commenting to ask if you can mentor me 😆