That a man should pay for everything. I am criticised even if I just say “he should pay for the first date.”That that I cut them off at the first sign of disrespect. They see that as “unfair,” “extreme,” “judgmental” and “harsh.” The pickmes tell me that I should make allowances for comments in case I misunderstood them but usually no, that guy meant it intentionally and if you let it slide, they proceed to do it repeatedly and escalate their abusive tactics. Expecting a nice first date. Other women will ask me “what’s wrong with a walk or a coffee date” because it’s “relaxed” and “less pressure” but I know there is no romance there. It comes across that these women feel that I am judging them for their standards therefore they feel compelled to shame me for mine.Wanting to find the man attractive. One woman recently told me that “looks don’t matter” and I should go by man’s character. I said I’ve done that in the past and the man had a terrible character and also if men want good-looking women that I am allowed to one a good looking man. You can’t fuck ugly. “Unacceptable” standards: - that he should pay- that the first date should be romantic/reasonably expensive- that he messages and speaks respectfully - wanting an attractive man- that he should only have eyes for me (it’s unreasonable to expect him not to date or look at other women) - that he be a “real man” and make the effort with me. Yes, I should give “shy guys a chance”. NOPE. I have a personality, he needs to have one too. In short: every standard 🙄
I’m similar to you in that I am not initially attracted to men. Do you do Online Dating? How does that work out? If not, how do you usually meet people? People I like in that way are really far and few between.
Right! What is the point. i have two modes of physical attraction to dudes. Either I am repulsed by them or I want to touch them. I don’t understand the in between thing at all!
One of the prompts on eharmony whenever I used it like 7 years ago (questions you can send a tentative match) is “how much do looks matter to you?” I am exclusively into bhm (big handsome men) meaning I actually am only attracted to that body type. Skinny or muscly doesn’t do it for me.
every man I matched with sent that question. It was frustrating that the type I am attracted to physically is the most insecure. One man actually sent me a message saying that he doesn’t want to date anyone who is shallow. lol they get all mad when I’m like “yea the handsome part is also really important to me” (but why you mad? like if I matched with you then i thought you have a nice face too?)
I don't go out on a second date if there is no chemistry in the first date/ if I don't find him attractive by the end of the first date. I've been criticized for that and told that I need to allow love to grow-- NOPE. I'm either attracted to him or I'm not.
Which standards am I (or have I been) criticized for? NEARLY ALL OF THEM! LOL!! My "no 50/50' stance gets the side-eye from other women. My very solid and unyielding anti-p*rn boundary gets me the "you're just unrealistic, everyone does it, there's no harm in it, have you not heard of ethical p*rn" responses from both sexes (not that I usually talk to men about that topic, but I did once -- never again!!). My flat-out rule of "I don't live with people I'm dating" has resulted in some interesting reactions but mostly a puzzled reaction and sometimes a "how can you know about someone for sure, unless you live with them?" My resistance to have anyone come to my house at all has resulted in more than one female friend go politely silent (in that "I disagree with you, but I love you so I'm going to agree to disagree and change the subject" kind of way) although at least one has spoken up and told me that "this sounds a little selfish." (DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS! I embrace that; I own it! I need my space and my autonomy!!)
And, when I told a rejected suitor that he was too dilatory and uncertain about his feelings, and that I didn't feel I needed to "prove" myself to him or to any man (my acquaintance with him was in my late pick-me days, and I felt like I was constantly being put in the position of auditioning to be his gf) -- and I told him that I was instead looking for someone who was flat-out bonkers about me from the start -- he had the dusty nerve to tell me, "Oh, in real life it never happens that way."
The laugh's on him -- I was even at that time on the receiving end of a wooing that was warm and certain from the very start -- not in a love-bombing way, but this man knew he loved me after just a couple of weeks (although he had the sense to not tell me right away). "It would be a challenge to get to know a woman like that," he commented to a relative at that time, but he also said "I'm not going to give up that easily." Going on nearly a year now and THANKS TO MY UNREALISTIC STANDARDS I am with a p*rn-free, affectionate, emotionally intelligent man who adores me and who is old-fashioned enough to reject 50/50 and modern enough to respect women.
One time I met a guy off hinge and he was a little chubby I guess you could say. But he was cute. When we met up for our date he was a lot fatter than his pics. He was a nice guy and I had a nice time, when I told a group of friends about it they asked if I’d see him again and I said
”no, I don’t like fat guys “ and then I laughed about it and they said I was being mean.
but that’s not attractive to me at all. So why should I date an unattractive man?
one of my HVW friends that I told this too was very supportive of my choice as she isn’t into fat men either 😂
I don't mind a little bit of chub so long as they aren't grossly overweight. Dad bod, I guess?
I like men who wear decent clothes - none of this T-shirt with your favourite band shit. That's fine for when you are chilling at home but put on some clothes when you head out the door! I like men in shirts, or with some sense of style. I want a man, not a teenager.
Unknown member
Oct 15, 2022
Replying to
With online dating, if you’re concerned that they’re a bit overweight, they will always be fatter than their photos.
So true! at that time I had never met a guy who was fatter than his photos just uglier 🤷♀️
Unknown member
Oct 13, 2022
the guy needs to check my consent before hugging me, kissing me, and especially before doing anything sexual. he doesn't have to do it every single time forever, but it is essential he does it in the beginning, when we're getting to know each other. for the sex, he has to check more frequently because i have trauma and/or i might simply not be in the mood. why do i have to ask him to stop something i don't want when he can invite me to do x or y BEFORE he does anything?
people think i'm paranoid and controlling. they say i want to plan every move instead of being spontaneous and letting things happen. it annoys me very much that people think someone can simply initiate sex out of the blue, just because you're both there occupying the same physical space.
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Unknown member
Oct 13, 2022
Replying to
I love this. Your standard is freakin based. You can get rid of a lot of unworthy men this way. And fuck anyone who would tell you this is a bad strategy. This is a GREAT strategy.
Unknown member
Oct 14, 2022
Replying to
thank you. unfortunately, i learned this the hard way... it's interesting how it actually turns me on when the guy respects my boundries and asks before trying anything. and i think that's very healthy.
This is further down the line in dating but men seem really shocked when I say I don’t give blowjobs. I just refuse to do something that feels degrading and like torture to me. Yea it filters out 99 percent of men already but I just feel sick at the thought Of giving a blowjob. No man is worth putting myself through that trauma for.
i felt lucky in one relationship when it got brought up and he said that he doesn’t enjoy receiving them. There are men out there who will meet whatever your standards are it’s just really rare. A lot of them suddenly lose interest when they find that out but I never get invested early anyway, knowing that most expect that.
Haha yea most people would call us crazy but they are indeed the crazy ones.
i always try my best to make a man feel stupid for expecting that. I play dumb and go “gross, that is something you expect people to do? Do they enjoy it or something?” (usually they will say yes)
”Wow that is weird to want to suck on something that can choke you. Do people get pleasure out of putting large things that can choke them..in their mouth? I don‘t” and I wait for them come up with some kind of asinine justification before laughing at them.
yea they walk away thinking I’m the crazy one but it would be so cool if this was the norm instead of women just submitting to it because it’s truly horrifying to me the thought of how unpleasant and vulnerable being in that position is.
I feel like all the few sexually respectful men I've met don't particularly care for blowjobs. It's a good thing to vet for (of course it's no guarantee). My partner doesn't want them either. I could never be with a man who demands any sort of sexual act (even though I would be fine with giving oral occasionally). Men have no business expecting or feeling entitled to anything in the bedroom.
Not wanting to date an addict and not wanting to be verbally abused. I always get the "But nobody's perfect!" response from just about everyone. 🙄 I grew up surrounded by addicts- literally everyone in my family is an addict. I've dated quite a few addicts. None of those situations have been healthy or safe for me. I'm just done. It's not what I need in my life. But apparently that means I am demanding perfection.
That's exactly it. I hear these things a lot from my mom, who is somebody who has sadly endured, tolerated, and accepted a lot abuse in her lifetime. I definitely don't take these opinions seriously, but it can be frustrating to hear over and over again. It's funny because men can have a whole ass checklist for superficial qualities that they are looking for in a woman (like having a nice ass and long hair), but when a woman puts something that's bare minimum like a healthy behavior (like no alcoholics/drug addicts) on her checklist it's suddenly asking for too much and not being accommodating enough. 😒
Funny how they'll call you "daddy issues" when you do literally anything as a woman romantically. But If you refuse to date someone that is just like your dad, then you'll get hate for it.
The long hair thing is because women who've cut their hair are more likely to be "hard work." They've rejected having to do all the extra hair care in order to look attractive. Much better to have a woman who still needs male approval, right?
They think single moms are bottom of the barrel, so you should be grateful for any male attention
Unknown member
Oct 13, 2022
He has to be attractive to me. [Eye rolls to oblivion]Just had an argument with a woman online somewhere because I insisted that we should only date people we're attracted to. She said that attraction can grow as you get to know and like someone. I said yes, and a person who I like but am not attracted to is called a friend, not a date. That person will remain a friend unless and until mutual attraction grows between us. She told me I was being too picky.
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Unknown member
Oct 14, 2022
Replying to
Absolutely. A relationship between people who arent attracted to each other is doomed - either to end, or to drag on in misery.
Unknown member
Oct 14, 2022
Replying to
No doubt. There are way too few attractive men to go around. I straight up assume whenever a woman tells me that I'm being too picky for wanting an attractive man, that she's married to a troll, and she resents me for holding out for a handsome guy. And she knows it deep down.
One time my sister asked me how my OLD was going. When I said basically "meh, I'm sick of it all these guys do is string you along with lame "hey" texts every other morning, they are lazy and I'm over it". She told me I was being "too judgmental". Like okay, I should let myself be bread crumbed and treated like a fucking pen pal on the back burner for some scrote I've never even met? Thanks, glad you think I should keep my standards so low!
All of them. People are shocked to see that I'm young and pretty but not naive and stupid, as they want me to be. So when I state that I don't date men who watch porn, they get red in the head. "All men do that, you're irrational!" When I say that I block immediately if I see that a potential suitor follows ig models or sees twerking videos on social media. When I say that men don't mature slower, they're immature at any age therefore I won't date someone much older than me.
When I say that the guy must be physically attractive, in good shape, have good sense of fashion and great grooming. People get incredibly angry when I say that I won't ever date a bisexual man. They say I'm judgemental and biPHoBiC. Bitch I don't care, I don't have to date any man if I don't want to and my reasons will always be valid. Get angry until you have a stroke, I'm not lowering my standards!
Having them!😂 Being older and average/plain and not settling. Wanting specific things like mutuality and reciprocity. Refusing to be Mommy McBangmaid. Not wanting to be a step-parent. Wanting to live separately. Wanting to keep money separate. Realizing I have razor sharp critical thinking skills and can see through all their games. Realizing I have no fucks to give and block and delete first and never ask questions or look back.
Ironically, my standards have always been quite low. Handsome enough to sleep with, and I'm not that picky about height since I'm tall, and I'm able to find lots of guys to be at least cute. Smart- he has to have a job and some ambition. Nice - he's gotta treat me with kindness and respect. And now I'm 47 and still still cannot find the "nice" component of the 3 very basic things that I looked for. 🤣😢 So there's really not much reason to ever lower your expectations, because they cannot even meet the bare minimum after 30 YEARS of me trying to find a decent man.
I feel your pain. Although it's only been about 10+ years of dating for me...I can definitely foresee that stretching longer 🙃 I'm going to become a single mother via a sperm donor in a couple years if I don't meet anyone worthwhile. I've always wanted kids and I don't want to wait too long and/or get desperate baby fever and glom onto a LVM because I feel the clock ticking. I'll do it myself.
Any standard, lol. The only real standard that's easily accepted in my circle would be that he should have a good job. But that's about where the bars at.
That he not have kids. I don't care, I've reached middle age without them, I want the same from my partner.That he match or exceed me in finances and education. I guess with men so often stupid, this is asking a lot, but I'm sticking to it.That he be clean with good oral hygiene (people who take care of their teeth and skin are appealing!). Well, don't expect me to be intimate with someone dirty.I have others, but never said them to anyone.
I second many of the comments others have already made. My specific ones are:
- I don't want a partner who eats meat. Boy do people get mad at that.
- I need A LOT of time to warm up to a man sexually, even if I'm attracted to him. He needs to keep his hands off and wait for me to be ready, and I'm talking 6 months at least, but closer to a year for full on sex.
- I want a partner with similar domestic and social skills, and I do set a fairly high bar – because the bar is me. I'm talking being an amazing host, giving personal gifts and writing thoughtful cards, being great at bonding with people esp. family, cooking/baking, prioritizing cleanliness and orderliness, doing careful maintance of all possessions etc. Some people might say I want a woman in a man's body and it's true to some extent lol
- He needs to be VERY romantic, affectionate and goofy. I'm a total cheeseball and if my partner isn't, it's not going to work
- He needs to dance. Not well, he just needs to get grooving, spin me around and not worry what others are thinking
I've found my UnreAliStiC man (does / is everything on my list and more), so they do exist. Never settle.
Veganism and Vegetarianism are more and more popular these days, so I think you can definitely find a man who doesn't eat meat. I've met several! Your other standards are also perfectly normal and those men do exist, unfortunately they are a minority...but worth holding out for and staying single if all you have to choose from are lazy useless LVM.
Yeah, for sure, the meat eating part would have been a bigger problem 5 years ago. My partner is a vegetarian (who eats mostly vegan tho) and I'm a vegan. His combination of all the other traits (not just those I've listed) is fairly rare, but definitely not impossible to find.
I will say it doesn’t come up that often. I don’t share these things verbatim, I mainly clarified these things a while back in therapy. I don‘t give unsolicited advice either, I’m a great listener too but I set boundaries on how much I’m willing to listen to and I will physically walk away if the conversation begins to drain me and it’s not socially appropriate. It’s different with friends and I like to help them clarify their own standards and maybe give examples of mine.
My close friendships know where I stand and they support me just as I do with them. I can say with confidence none of my close girl friends in relationships are 50/50 girls and that’s just a much easier friendship to maintain for many reasons.
It may come up when people ask about why I’m single or don’t go out with so and so or go approach x guy or whatever. Usually in my academic or career setting, where I’m spending a lot of my time lately. I explain I am not chasing or initiating anything with a man, they cannot 100% provide for me, they’re not my physical type, I’ve heard the way they talk about women, or their views on porn. If I’m put on the spot I will be direct and clear. Being “cute” isn’t enough for me to be into someone haha.
Sometimes men go all “what aboutism” on the topic (mainly on non-monogamy, living together, pornography etc. being dealbreakers) and I tell them it’s unattractive and I don’t want that, I’d rather be single. These are mostly married/in relationship classmates and it almost seems like insecurity of their own arrangements, the fact I wouldn't tolerate it makes them uncomfortable and not my problem. I tell them the world has enough devils advocates and I’m not changing my mind, they’re free to do what they think is right but I’m not doing mental gymnastics to help their ego.
Many of the older women and career or professional mentors I‘ve had and really respect or admire, and maintain relationships with, respect this about me too. They talk about men in my generation and their observations and I agree and give them a field report.
Live in, 50/50 girlfriends tend to get a bit taken aback too. Or the post divorce Ms. Independent types, too. Or women breadwinners. These are acquaintances I usually decline to spend more time with. They ask my opinion on certain situations they‘re in and don’t like my answer because I recommend leaving lol. They give excuses and I ask them why they asked me. They tend to get upset.
Usually I’m listening to other peoples situations and standards more often, so I have an idea of what they value in general relationships. I don’t comment when not asked but it gives me an idea of where I need to create space or distance. Especially on acquaintance levels.
All of them. I’ve even stopped discussing my dating life with my best friend because we have different standards. She use to tell me I’m being too mean or harsh or I’m too “guarded” and at one point, when I was much younger, I almost believed her. But now I am more aware of myself and my standards. I don’t need any validation from anyone on how I choose to orchestrate my dating life.
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That a man should pay for everything. I am criticised even if I just say “he should pay for the first date.” That that I cut them off at the first sign of disrespect. They see that as “unfair,” “extreme,” “judgmental” and “harsh.” The pickmes tell me that I should make allowances for comments in case I misunderstood them but usually no, that guy meant it intentionally and if you let it slide, they proceed to do it repeatedly and escalate their abusive tactics. Expecting a nice first date. Other women will ask me “what’s wrong with a walk or a coffee date” because it’s “relaxed” and “less pressure” but I know there is no romance there. It comes across that these women feel that I am judging them for their standards therefore they feel compelled to shame me for mine. Wanting to find the man attractive. One woman recently told me that “looks don’t matter” and I should go by man’s character. I said I’ve done that in the past and the man had a terrible character and also if men want good-looking women that I am allowed to one a good looking man. You can’t fuck ugly. “Unacceptable” standards: - that he should pay - that the first date should be romantic/reasonably expensive - that he messages and speaks respectfully - wanting an attractive man - that he should only have eyes for me (it’s unreasonable to expect him not to date or look at other women) - that he be a “real man” and make the effort with me. Yes, I should give “shy guys a chance”. NOPE. I have a personality, he needs to have one too. In short: every standard 🙄
Which standards am I (or have I been) criticized for? NEARLY ALL OF THEM! LOL!! My "no 50/50' stance gets the side-eye from other women. My very solid and unyielding anti-p*rn boundary gets me the "you're just unrealistic, everyone does it, there's no harm in it, have you not heard of ethical p*rn" responses from both sexes (not that I usually talk to men about that topic, but I did once -- never again!!). My flat-out rule of "I don't live with people I'm dating" has resulted in some interesting reactions but mostly a puzzled reaction and sometimes a "how can you know about someone for sure, unless you live with them?" My resistance to have anyone come to my house at all has resulted in more than one female friend go politely silent (in that "I disagree with you, but I love you so I'm going to agree to disagree and change the subject" kind of way) although at least one has spoken up and told me that "this sounds a little selfish." (DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS! I embrace that; I own it! I need my space and my autonomy!!)
And, when I told a rejected suitor that he was too dilatory and uncertain about his feelings, and that I didn't feel I needed to "prove" myself to him or to any man (my acquaintance with him was in my late pick-me days, and I felt like I was constantly being put in the position of auditioning to be his gf) -- and I told him that I was instead looking for someone who was flat-out bonkers about me from the start -- he had the dusty nerve to tell me, "Oh, in real life it never happens that way."
The laugh's on him -- I was even at that time on the receiving end of a wooing that was warm and certain from the very start -- not in a love-bombing way, but this man knew he loved me after just a couple of weeks (although he had the sense to not tell me right away). "It would be a challenge to get to know a woman like that," he commented to a relative at that time, but he also said "I'm not going to give up that easily." Going on nearly a year now and THANKS TO MY UNREALISTIC STANDARDS I am with a p*rn-free, affectionate, emotionally intelligent man who adores me and who is old-fashioned enough to reject 50/50 and modern enough to respect women.
One time I met a guy off hinge and he was a little chubby I guess you could say. But he was cute. When we met up for our date he was a lot fatter than his pics. He was a nice guy and I had a nice time, when I told a group of friends about it they asked if I’d see him again and I said
”no, I don’t like fat guys “ and then I laughed about it and they said I was being mean.
but that’s not attractive to me at all. So why should I date an unattractive man?
one of my HVW friends that I told this too was very supportive of my choice as she isn’t into fat men either 😂
the guy needs to check my consent before hugging me, kissing me, and especially before doing anything sexual. he doesn't have to do it every single time forever, but it is essential he does it in the beginning, when we're getting to know each other. for the sex, he has to check more frequently because i have trauma and/or i might simply not be in the mood. why do i have to ask him to stop something i don't want when he can invite me to do x or y BEFORE he does anything?
people think i'm paranoid and controlling. they say i want to plan every move instead of being spontaneous and letting things happen. it annoys me very much that people think someone can simply initiate sex out of the blue, just because you're both there occupying the same physical space.
This is further down the line in dating but men seem really shocked when I say I don’t give blowjobs. I just refuse to do something that feels degrading and like torture to me. Yea it filters out 99 percent of men already but I just feel sick at the thought Of giving a blowjob. No man is worth putting myself through that trauma for.
i felt lucky in one relationship when it got brought up and he said that he doesn’t enjoy receiving them. There are men out there who will meet whatever your standards are it’s just really rare. A lot of them suddenly lose interest when they find that out but I never get invested early anyway, knowing that most expect that.
Not wanting to date an addict and not wanting to be verbally abused. I always get the "But nobody's perfect!" response from just about everyone. 🙄 I grew up surrounded by addicts- literally everyone in my family is an addict. I've dated quite a few addicts. None of those situations have been healthy or safe for me. I'm just done. It's not what I need in my life. But apparently that means I am demanding perfection.
Being a single mum and not being willing to date a man with kids wound a lot of people up. The anger at my “hypocrisy” was extreme.
He has to be attractive to me. [Eye rolls to oblivion] Just had an argument with a woman online somewhere because I insisted that we should only date people we're attracted to. She said that attraction can grow as you get to know and like someone. I said yes, and a person who I like but am not attracted to is called a friend, not a date. That person will remain a friend unless and until mutual attraction grows between us. She told me I was being too picky.
One time my sister asked me how my OLD was going. When I said basically "meh, I'm sick of it all these guys do is string you along with lame "hey" texts every other morning, they are lazy and I'm over it". She told me I was being "too judgmental". Like okay, I should let myself be bread crumbed and treated like a fucking pen pal on the back burner for some scrote I've never even met? Thanks, glad you think I should keep my standards so low!
All of them. People are shocked to see that I'm young and pretty but not naive and stupid, as they want me to be. So when I state that I don't date men who watch porn, they get red in the head. "All men do that, you're irrational!" When I say that I block immediately if I see that a potential suitor follows ig models or sees twerking videos on social media. When I say that men don't mature slower, they're immature at any age therefore I won't date someone much older than me.
When I say that the guy must be physically attractive, in good shape, have good sense of fashion and great grooming. People get incredibly angry when I say that I won't ever date a bisexual man. They say I'm judgemental and biPHoBiC. Bitch I don't care, I don't have to date any man if I don't want to and my reasons will always be valid. Get angry until you have a stroke, I'm not lowering my standards!
Having them!😂 Being older and average/plain and not settling. Wanting specific things like mutuality and reciprocity. Refusing to be Mommy McBangmaid. Not wanting to be a step-parent. Wanting to live separately. Wanting to keep money separate. Realizing I have razor sharp critical thinking skills and can see through all their games. Realizing I have no fucks to give and block and delete first and never ask questions or look back.
Ironically, my standards have always been quite low. Handsome enough to sleep with, and I'm not that picky about height since I'm tall, and I'm able to find lots of guys to be at least cute. Smart- he has to have a job and some ambition. Nice - he's gotta treat me with kindness and respect. And now I'm 47 and still still cannot find the "nice" component of the 3 very basic things that I looked for. 🤣😢 So there's really not much reason to ever lower your expectations, because they cannot even meet the bare minimum after 30 YEARS of me trying to find a decent man.
Any standard, lol. The only real standard that's easily accepted in my circle would be that he should have a good job. But that's about where the bars at.
That he not have kids. I don't care, I've reached middle age without them, I want the same from my partner. That he match or exceed me in finances and education. I guess with men so often stupid, this is asking a lot, but I'm sticking to it. That he be clean with good oral hygiene (people who take care of their teeth and skin are appealing!). Well, don't expect me to be intimate with someone dirty. I have others, but never said them to anyone.
I second many of the comments others have already made. My specific ones are:
- I don't want a partner who eats meat. Boy do people get mad at that.
- I need A LOT of time to warm up to a man sexually, even if I'm attracted to him. He needs to keep his hands off and wait for me to be ready, and I'm talking 6 months at least, but closer to a year for full on sex.
- I want a partner with similar domestic and social skills, and I do set a fairly high bar – because the bar is me. I'm talking being an amazing host, giving personal gifts and writing thoughtful cards, being great at bonding with people esp. family, cooking/baking, prioritizing cleanliness and orderliness, doing careful maintance of all possessions etc. Some people might say I want a woman in a man's body and it's true to some extent lol
- He needs to be VERY romantic, affectionate and goofy. I'm a total cheeseball and if my partner isn't, it's not going to work
- He needs to dance. Not well, he just needs to get grooving, spin me around and not worry what others are thinking
I've found my UnreAliStiC man (does / is everything on my list and more), so they do exist. Never settle.
I will say it doesn’t come up that often. I don’t share these things verbatim, I mainly clarified these things a while back in therapy. I don‘t give unsolicited advice either, I’m a great listener too but I set boundaries on how much I’m willing to listen to and I will physically walk away if the conversation begins to drain me and it’s not socially appropriate. It’s different with friends and I like to help them clarify their own standards and maybe give examples of mine.
My close friendships know where I stand and they support me just as I do with them. I can say with confidence none of my close girl friends in relationships are 50/50 girls and that’s just a much easier friendship to maintain for many reasons.
It may come up when people ask about why I’m single or don’t go out with so and so or go approach x guy or whatever. Usually in my academic or career setting, where I’m spending a lot of my time lately. I explain I am not chasing or initiating anything with a man, they cannot 100% provide for me, they’re not my physical type, I’ve heard the way they talk about women, or their views on porn. If I’m put on the spot I will be direct and clear. Being “cute” isn’t enough for me to be into someone haha.
Sometimes men go all “what aboutism” on the topic (mainly on non-monogamy, living together, pornography etc. being dealbreakers) and I tell them it’s unattractive and I don’t want that, I’d rather be single. These are mostly married/in relationship classmates and it almost seems like insecurity of their own arrangements, the fact I wouldn't tolerate it makes them uncomfortable and not my problem. I tell them the world has enough devils advocates and I’m not changing my mind, they’re free to do what they think is right but I’m not doing mental gymnastics to help their ego.
Many of the older women and career or professional mentors I‘ve had and really respect or admire, and maintain relationships with, respect this about me too. They talk about men in my generation and their observations and I agree and give them a field report.
Live in, 50/50 girlfriends tend to get a bit taken aback too. Or the post divorce Ms. Independent types, too. Or women breadwinners. These are acquaintances I usually decline to spend more time with. They ask my opinion on certain situations they‘re in and don’t like my answer because I recommend leaving lol. They give excuses and I ask them why they asked me. They tend to get upset.
Usually I’m listening to other peoples situations and standards more often, so I have an idea of what they value in general relationships. I don’t comment when not asked but it gives me an idea of where I need to create space or distance. Especially on acquaintance levels.
All of them. I’ve even stopped discussing my dating life with my best friend because we have different standards. She use to tell me I’m being too mean or harsh or I’m too “guarded” and at one point, when I was much younger, I almost believed her. But now I am more aware of myself and my standards. I don’t need any validation from anyone on how I choose to orchestrate my dating life.