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I've recently made a new friend that I immediately clicked with, and I hope to make more and build my circle in this city.
It gets harder to meet friends with aligned values who you can actually have fun with as an adult, and I think bad friendships can be as detrimental as toxic romances. Something happened yesterday that gave me pause. I had been invited by a professional contact (who recently started courting me), to Diwali, (the Indian Festival of Lights). I was really excited as I had seen this celebrated by friends from the culture but never actually been invited to go.
So this event was being hosted by his friend, his group of friends are mostly married, and was termed a "Bling & Booze" party. He said he didn't want to put pressure on me if I didn't want to attend, as we had just recently met, and that he'd love to formally take me to dinner next week. He came across as well mannered, funny, interesting and mature.
I said yes to Diwali. He said he him and his friends will uber to the location which was in an affluent suburb about 40mins from the city. They didn't want to drive because they intended to drink at the Diwali party. This was supposed to be an evening event so I waited for him to figure out the arrangements and pretty much had a relaxing Friday.
Now this is where my friend comes in. She's in a r/ship that seems a little fraught. I'm not in it so my context is limited I'm sure. But she's shared a lot, and has had to expend an unholy amount of emotional labor on this man (this part I've witnessed) and also idolizes him because in camparison to past lovers, he actually does bring some value.
As we grew close, I noticed she had an anxious personality and is a little high strung. Recently she had a panic attack which really terrified her.
This panic attack was triggered by the bf who she constantly worries about and whose problems she's trying to solve. Anyway yesterday in the afternoon she calls me to give me the gist of their last fight. She said they had almost broken up bc she had been haranguing him to do certain things (he has serious sleep issues but I don't want to digress). She was forlorn and I tried to encourage her. She has a high powered job she worked really really hard to get and has really been through a lot in life from a young age.
After the first panic attack I coached her through breathing exercises, dragged her to the gym and told her to try cold water therapy in the shower. It abated her anxiety to very manageable levels. Basically, I told her about Huberman's protocols. This took a few hrs and I told her I needed to go back to my apt to start my day. This panic attack happened early on a work day, I prioritized her bc I don't want her to sabotage her job bc of this guy. She begged me to stay still. I knew she was shaky but I didn't really like that bc I felt I had already expended a lot of effort.
Now, yesterday afternoon she was despairing again, and we talked for a while and she started to strongly hint that she wanted to go to Diwali with me. I thought it'd be a little awkward and inappropriate to ask my date to invite a friend bc his friends didn't know me, and I was already a plus one. I don't think it's proper etiquette for a plus one to have a plus one. She seemed to let it go and commented on how I'm abandoning her to go out with a man. It was framed as a light hearted jab but I didn't really appreciate it. She knows my values.
Fast forward to a few hrs before, the guy checks in to confirm my attendance, and I ask what the commuting arrangements are. He said we can all meet (him, his friend and me) at a location downtown (a few minutes from me) and leave from there to make it logistically easy.
I immediately felt uneasy. Why couldn't he just pick me up? First red flag. Then he messages to say if we decide to leave early we can just "uber split" back to the city. At this point my alarm bells started ringing. I call my friend to tell her, and we both analyze the situation. I was taken aback bc this is a wealthy man (at least far wealthier than me), and it also seems very declasse to me, to invite a person to an event and make them pay. How odd.
I make up an excuse and decline. He already invited me to dinner next week at a nice restaurant which he picked but at this point I'm so repulsed I'll be declining that as well. I even checked the uber prices to the address of the party and it was $51. So he wanted us to split $51 omg. Even the more expensive ride option on uber was $78. Smh.
Now this is what caused me to take a step back from this friendship and re-examine. I can be sensitive so I don't know if I'm over reacting.
At this point in the evening, her bf had sent her flowers and booked a nail appointment so she was in much better spirits. Actually giddy with excitement. I was happy she was no longer moody, and encouraged her to enjoy the experience and also read the handbook lol. But as the call went on, she made sharp comments about how she's happy the guy "taught me a lesson". As I was going to leave her alone on a Friday night to attend Diwali with him etc. And she repeated this sentiment a few times.
I told her I was starting to get annoyed and ended the call. I later sent her a text telling her her comments were petty and childish, and that I would be wary telling her things in future as she is happy to gloat over my disappointments if I don't center her and drop everything to attend to her moods. I've been used by narcs and I have a problem recognizing this in womem bc I always assume the best of them. I've been especially injured in the past by female family members who were covert narcs or very very selfish, male centered and unkind.
To her credit she apologized immediately and said she meant those comments as a joke and not out of spite. I haven't responded and we haven't spoken since. I'm also proud of myself for actually speaking my mind bc my default is to retreat or detach without explanation. But now I'm leery and a bit sad. I really like this person and we've had wonderful profound conversations and high levels of trust otherwise. What do you queens think?
Sorry this was so long but I thought context was important😅
The truth is often masked in jest.
This lesson took me a long time to learn. Shitty little comments disguised as jokes erode your self esteem, whether you know it or not. It quickly establishes a skewed power dynamic in the sense that one person is always the butt of the 'jokes'. Suddenly you're being mocked at every turn and this person is standing on your back to raise their own self esteem. Run, run, run.
She is "happy he taught you a lesson"? What the hell is that supposed to mean? That she likes to see you disappointed and for a man to humiliate you? What's the "lesson" even supposed to be? That he's stingy and no gentleman?
Drop that woman. She enjoys seeing you in pain and feeling superior about that. No friend would act like that, even as a joke. She's using you for emotional support when it suits her but ultimately thinks of you as below her. Maybe she's embarrassed about all the business with her panic attack and uses this incident to make herself feel superior again. That's toxic as hell.
Just like dating men, vetting for friendships comes down to one question and one question only: Does this person bring me joy and peace into my life?
That's it, really. It sounds suspiciously simple and odd, but this is how it is with me. After so many years of putting up with super toxic and downright abusive ~friends~, I had a major realization in the beginning of 2021 that I could no longer keep taking the jabs, the hurtful jokes, the silent treatment, the bullying, etc, just so I could tell everyone else how many friends I had. It's really not worth it. When I really stop to think about it, these fake friends I've had over the years did not brought me joy, nor did I felt peaceful when I am around them. The very brief glimmers of happiness I've felt always felt fake in a way, but it hurt too much to be real with myself as to why that is. I felt like I had to put on some sort of act, or keep a distance, or put on a mask to protect myself, because authenticity felt unsafe with these people. I thought I was the problem for feeling like that.
With real friends, just like when you meet a true love, you get to breathe and relax. You can feel the walls coming down and it feels like coming to a warm home, safe and sound. You can let your hair down with these true friends and share your inner world with them, without any fear, pause or shame. As women, we have had our intuition stifled to appease to everyone else in society, which has put us in harmful situations. It's time we listen to our gut feelings again and heal ourselves as women.
Lol. She's really smug about the fact that her bf gives her flowers. Drop this friend and be quick to replace her too.
I think on balance a friendship - just like every other relationship - should provide far more positive experiences than negative ones. Yes, people can be irritating and we should forgive them the odd bad day, but if their repeated slights and over reliance on your good nature erodes your happiness over time then you need to dip for your own self esteem. I feel like your gut is shouting at you with this woman’s What jumped out at me when reading your post is the comment she made about ‘teaching you a lesson’. I mean, Bleurgh. There she is rinsing your time to her own emotional ends, getting pampered by her dude and still making you feel icky about an experience that should have generated her turn to play supporting role. I think if/when you choose to set a boundary with this woman you may feel guilty and miss her company, but on balance you will feel better with some distance between you.
A good friend must consider your needs too, and not be overly demanding of your time and attention. Start all friendships slooowly and build based on worthiness. E.g. you plan a meet-up---they need to ask what day and time suit you, what place. You need to consider each others' needs and situation, not rail-road the other person into what you want. There must be balance and equality.
"he actually does bring some value."
can we actually be very clear about sentiments like this in the future? a scrote who treats someone in a disgusting enough way that sends someone into a panic attack is NOT someone who brings even a speck of value. if we do not make excuses for scrotes in our immediate lives then we do not make excuses for them in general.
sorry to get on the soapbox, OP, but i have a friend who behaves in the same way yours do/did. mine also chose to stay with her abusive scrote so whenever we do meet, which is rare since i've decided to maintain a wide berth, i have no problems keeping silent when she rants about her scrote.
I made a post about this
https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com//forum/vetting-safety-tips/red-flags-in-friendships?origin=member_posts_page
Off topic but who is your pfp?