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Hi friends,
I've been tossing and turning all night about something that hasn't sat right with me. I would like your read on a situation I found myself with a male in his late 50s who recently rented a room in my apartment.
I have rented out my spare room all year for extra £s and have had three separate people - two of whom became friends. Alas, they were women!
A guy contacted me about the room and came to view. Immediately I got the impression that he was a little haughty/dismissive of authority. Nevertheless he was polite and complimentary about my home. He was taking a new job in my area and followed up a few days later to say he'd like to rent it. With bills on the rise in the Uk I was happy to accept. I also had no concerns about my personal safety as I have male relatives with military connections.
Over the course of 4 weeks, I found this lodger to be really ... awkward. I'm having a hard time working out if my annoyance is down to the fact it was a man doing these things and I was mentally screening him against LVM criteria. What happened:
-on his second day in his new job he made me aware he'd had an argument with his boss(!) which rather confirmed my original hunch about him
-some days later he acted a bit superior with one of my neighbours, refusing to tell him his name when they met in the lobby. In fairness my neighbour is a dick but in hindsight I think he was in the wrong
-despite moving to my area he seemed to have zero knowledge or interest in it. It's a well-known beauty spot with famous walks yet he made some very odd comments and didn't seem to know anywhere I was talking about in terms of landmarks. It didn't appear he did any research before getting here
-he asked many questions that made me honestly wonder about his intelligence. He didn't appear to know who certain high profile politicians were and made sweeping statements that the inner troublemaker in me challenged. One pearler 'everyone goes out and gets drunk these days'. I asked him to provide evidence of this and he shut up. Meanwhile, every show I watched in his company was pierced with inane questions that set my teeth on edge
-those inane questions spilled over into my day-to-day tasks. Was I cooking? Yes. Was I cleaning? Yes. Was I going for a run? Argh. You get the picture. He seemed genuinely surprised that I cooked most evenings and made a point of only eating the same thing: salad and garlic bread. This was someone who spent 20 years in Italy! There was also a rude remark he made about the size of a portion I had. I nearly side eyed him into next week
Anyway, 4 weeks in he unexpectedly came home at midday and told me he'd walked out of his job! That same evening he told me he would be moving out at the weekend (just gone) thus giving me 4 days notice. He spent the remaining 3 days in my home largely trying to avoid me. Think: me coming home from drinks on Saturday and him immediately going to bed.l.
So this lazy, awkward man has left me in the lurch with an empty room that could have been given to someone else. I can comfortably make ends meet but I'm both furious AND relieved to have my home back. I can't shake this icky feeling this has left me with.
What's made this worse is that I had agreed to him moving in largely because he said how much he valued a clean and tidy space. When he left my property yesterday it was obvious he hadn't vacuumed in the month he was here. His bathroom was covered in his hair without a cursory splash of bleach in the toilet so I spent a fair chunk of yesterday cleaning up. The little twat hadn't even stripped the bedding that I lent him (he didn't have his own) and even left a dirty mug on the side - yards from the dishwasher. Clearly he thought that was my problem to deal with.
Thankfully he left without fanfare. He moved out whilst I was on a long run yesterday and sent me a text to ask if I was around. Against all my 'nice girl' conditioning I simply ignored the message and blocked him - much like you'd do with a pesky date! This goes against all my previous instincts to be polite and amenable. I couldn't wait for him to get gone but I'm surprised this episode has left me feeling so off balance.
What struck me was how this guy represented some of the very worst traits of a straight man, underscored by his middle age. It scares me that there are so many women in romantic relationships with men who display similarly dismissive and haughty behaviours in their homes. He made my skin crawl but largely because I was able to look at him objectively rather than someone I was romantically interested in. I had no reason to make excuses for his behaviour iyswim.
I think my feistiness was a cue for him to up and leave. Either that or he really was too arrogant in the job and either quit/was asked to leave.
Ugh. Anyway. Any advice on how I draw a line under this and feel better about how it planned out? I'm still shaking off the feeling I should have replied to his message atleast but seeing the mess he made in my home (however managable) really cemented my decision to block and delete.
Needless to say my next lodger will be a lady OR a man who has come recommended by friends. Hopefully I can laugh about this incident soon!
Tldr; I rented a room out to a man in his 50s who was painfully awkward, lazy and low value. I feel off Centre from the experience and would love some boosting from a crowd who won't make excuses for him being a 'typical man'!
I wonder if you feel off balance because he tried to insert himself into your life by using all the inane questions, such as when he asked about cooking and you only said yes instead offering him anything. He was boundary testing.
I suspect he left in a hurry once he sussed out there wasn't a chance for him to mooch off you.
He was totally fired and is now broke and probably moving in with his mom.
I would personally only rent a room to other women because sharing communal spaces with strange men is a no for me. I would not feel comfortable or safe. I have a friend who rented two whole houses to men —one single and super low value and one seemingly high value with a family and both screwed her and mistreated her and her properties because they couldn’t respect a woman as a landlord.
Have you changed your locks? You might wanna in case he comes back- he sounds like he's constantly in a tough spot (w his job and attitude) and I never put it past those people to feel entitled to come back. I wouldn't take a man as a lodger again unless you've known him a long time -recommendations aren't gonna be enough to judge how he'll live.
You might have narrowly escaped a dangerous situation. Watch “worst roommate ever” on Netflix and thank your stars he’s gone! Be very careful next time you let someone live with you… male or female… and have them sign a contract. Or you could end up in a situation where someone moves in and won’t pay and you can’t get them to move out!
I had toxic female roommates, and when they moved out my overall stress was a lot lower!
It's no surprise that they were all pick-mes. One told me to my face that I was a golddigger for expecting a guy to pay for dates. Another told me that I should lower my standards because 'no one is perfect, you can always mold them into a better bf. That's what I did when I met my bf at 16'. They used to gossip behind my back about how I thought I was so much better than all the guys I dated. A few of them were also ✨racist✨
Who you live with really does effect your mental health. I would recommend vetting men and women who live in your space thoroughly.
You could join in with the woo woo sage burning!? :D
I get the feeling you've might have done this by now, but eliminate any traces that he existed. Wash everything and air the room out. Let the breeze take any remaining essence away.
What a shame that this is typical man behaviour. The bar is indeed low.
Anyone who remembers my comments will know I also rent out my spare bedroom to a lodger, but I've been lucky enough to have had the same woman for 3 years and counting, and we get on very well. I've had okay-ish lodgers in the past, but I can't imagine sharing my space with someone obnoxious as your lodger was. How intrusive! It's no wonder you feel off balance.
I think you are right: you picked up on the arrogance and he was probably fired or jumped before he was pushed. Lucky for you!
Moving forward, I would consider the contract you draw up with the lodgers. If you were unhappy with him in your space you can ask him to leave. I usually draw up a six-month minimum contract to give both parties security, but if that's not something you had (given he left in a month), why did you not ask him to leave once you knew he was a bad fit?
I don't ask this to criticize or blame, but to find where your agency lies. You say he left you in the lurch but you don't need the money.
Is the icky feeling because he left you, and you didn't kick him out?
A male who gets to that age and is alone, renting a room in an apartment, and has no assets is a huge red flag. It means nobody else in this life has been able to live with him, and nobody will put up with him. I had a similar situation in NYC with a man who pretended to be a woman named “Lisa.” Lisa was in his 50s, chain smoker, drug user, drunk, and bipolar with psychosis. Things were okay for awhile because I was constantly at work and my side job after work, but he started to lose touch with reality and tried to burn the apartment building down. Then he was screaming in the bathroom for 10 hours straight in a little kid’s voice, “Get off of me! Get off of me! Get off of me!!!!!!” I called the NYPD 10 times in 3 months, and Bellevue Hospital kept letting him go, because he refused in patient treatment. The last straw was when he brought home a young boy, like under 18, and they got into a fight when Lisa showed the boy “her” dick. This was at 12:30 am on a Monday evening. I opened the door of my room, because Lisa was screaming in this fake female voice, “Help, help, he’s raping me! He’s raping me!” whilst the kid was struggling to get his backpack away from my naked roommate who was lying on the floor in the hallway trying to keep the kid there. Then the NYPD came because someone else in the building had here the commotion and called the police. The police banged on my door, because Lisa would not open his door. Then they brought the kid back and asked me to identify him. Moral of the story is to STAY AWAY from men over age 45 who aren’t married, have no friemds, and have no assets, and want to live with you. They are NOT sane or safe. I’m sorry that we have to think this way, but men who don’t invest in their lives and build something are very dangerous. They have nothing to lose, and they like it that way. We must judge men differently than we do women. An older woman could be alone for many reasons like she was treated badly in her marriage, but the older single man is almost always a danger. It’s a sign that he cannot get along with anyone.
Be careful renting your home. Scammers like to target ppl and know rental laws inside out to help them avoid paying rent. They might also damage your home if you don't have anyone to intervene-sometimes they use women to gain your confidence.
That being said please e another side hustle. There's a reason you're nervous.
I think our gut picks up on a lot more than we are really conscious of. You might be a little shaken because you were "ignoring" it while it was screaming danger at you. Read the gift of fear especially since most women are told they are "too sensitive" growing up so many have unlearned listening to their gut (me included).
Thank God he left on his own. You could have been stuck with a nightmare. Next man who comes by, blow him off and keep looking for a woman.
Guy sounds like an alcoholic of some sort. Cue sloppy thinking, sloppy boundaries, weird/iffy social skills, fake arrogance without cause, shifty about the job, sudden changes… I highly suspect substance abuse. He has all the hallmarks of an addict, namely tons of instability.
God what a parasite. Good riddance.
Living with men is pretty much always a mistake. Now you know that, and you can make better choices in the future. Men who want female roommates like your former renter are the worst. You realize now that when he said that he values a clean and tidy home, he assumed would be cleaning up after him. They're all like that. Men specifically seek out female roommates thinking you're going to be the maid, cook, therapist, nurse, "eye candy", or any number of depraved male delusions. Men can live with each other, and be each other's burdens. Say no to men. If you want any chance at all of a harmonious living situation, rent exclusively to women.
Tbh if I had money to rent out a side apt I would only rent to women. There was a discussion somewhere here where, the best renters are women or couples. Don't rent to men because deeeeeeeerty pigs! I recently had to sublease my former room (bye ex) and I required deposit, proof of income, gov IDs l AND to start the process, to introduce themselves in a short paragraph to even consider them to see the apt. AND SO MANY PEOPLE FAILED TO DO THIS SHIT. DIDN'T READ LMAO. Didn't want to take 5 min with a brief introduction. Just "hi is the room available?" BLOCKED. IGNORED. Eventually it was rented to a recent college grad who just got a job nearby, bothered to introduce himself and such and provided all paperwork to prove it, AND came from the same cultural background as my ex. So please, be vicious in vetting people no matter what. Anyone can be "neat and tidy". Not everyone has good credit, jobs, etc. If you are in a good metro area, there will always be decent people that want the room.