To go on a second date or not?

One of the only good therapists I've ever seen gave me great advice: If you like him, he's bad for you.

It's the result of having a crappy childhood wherein you're conditioned to "like" (love) people who treat you bad. I think it's very true. After observing my own patterns, I'm much more open to guys who I don't immediately "like." I'll go out with them until I'm 100% sure I won't regret dumping them or friendzoning them. (Usually I know pretty quickly nowadays.) I mostly pay attention to how he makes me feel. If I'm not sure what that feeling is, I'll consider seeing him again until I can decide if he's a go or no-go.

The FDS stance that you'e entitled to be thrilled about your man is also 100% true.

I don’t really look for a “spark” per se (sometimes an intense spark/chemistry means he’s bad news), but I do want to come away from the first date excited about him. Meaning I had a genuinely good time, no red flags, I really liked his personality, and can see myself developing more intense attraction down the line. Also I can name very specific things he did/said that really impressed me or made me feel good to be with him.

If it’s “meh” and I don’t have much good to say about him other than “He was nice” then I leave it at one date. Usually dates that like that just aren’t very much fun. Since you didn’t really say anything positive about him other than him being nice and having his shit together, I’d guess he’s really not what you’re looking for, and that’s totally ok.

I am definitely one of those people who gets easily hyped up about people who aren't good for me / activate my traumatic injuries. So I'd prefer to feel calmness and contentment over crazy chemistry. The difference between the good kind of spark and the bad kind imo is that the latter kind is obsessive, causes excessive rumination, makes you wonder more about whether he likes you than whether you even like him. The absence of the "bad spark" alone doesn't mean he's the right guy, though, it could also mean that you're just not into him. I think the right person will make you feel intrigued, but not crazy about them. You definitely don't want to feel confusion or too much emotional instability.

I think there isn't a universal correct answer to this, and the best answer for you involves knowing yourself. Do you find that your first impressions of people are usually correct? In that case, might make more sense to move on. Or have you found that as you get to know people better, you sometimes come to like them better? In that case, probably won't hurt to do another date.

I'm inclined to say if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. I've been on the fence plenty of times after first dates and decide to give the men second chances, but every time my first instinct was correct. These men may not have done anything wrong per se, but my gut knew there was some sort of incompatibility and reason that things would not be able to truly develop. I'd be wasting both my time and their's to drag things on while trying to figure things out. I believe that the right relationship should consistently bring clarity right from the very beginning. You don't hear many women in happy, fulfilling marriages talk about how she wasn't sure if she liked the groom when they first met.

I think it matters to pay attention to what is going on inside. Are the sparks you expect to feel just desire and excitement? Those are temporary feelings, and also excitement and nervousness are the same emotion in a different thought wrapper.

Is the man attractive is an entirely different question.

Does he make you feel secure, happy, safe? That's not boredom, not unless you still have a lot of internal work to do.

Absolutely no. No. And if you have to ask, no. Not having red flags does not mean green flags. And as another user here said, be careful about ticking boxes. A sassy wise grandmother would say: are you kidding? don't waste my time with this nonsense. Next!

While I tend to agree with the sentiment that if it's not a hell yes, it's a no, I also think it doesn't really hurt to go on a second date with someone who didn't turn you off. While it's unlikely to blossom, occasionally sparks can take more time and sometimes people need to warm up. If you aren't feeling excited about them after 2 or 3 dates, then it's absolutely time to end it.

I mean did you enjoy it at all? Was he funny or engaging? Or were you bored out of your mind? If you enjoyed yourself but just didn't feel the spark I'd do a second date for more clarity then decide from there.

Remember this always "if its not a hell yeah then its a no"