.png)
I'm about halfway through the book, and love every minute of it! She really is very FDS aligned. However, there's one part I don't agree with, the "no single mums". I get that she herself is a single mum, and what she says about men holds water: don't count out single mothers. Hear the whole story. They're not all left by the man, or left penniless, steps away from the poor house, without means, yada yada the whole stereotype.
This is a hill I will die on: NO SINGLE DADS. First of all, as a childfree woman, I don't have any kids by choice, so I damn sure don't want yours. Furthermore, I honestly don't know or care why a man is a single parent; the point is, those kids are his priority, so a partner just wouldn't be. Selfish? You bet. I own it 100%. I want to be the only one, the #1 priority in a man's life, with nothing, especially children, to come between him and me. It's why I dated and married childfree men. I vetted that one very, very carefully.
I'd also be super leery of a man who is a single father, since that seems comparatively rare, unless the courts have changed substantially. I would instantly expect to hear about addiction issues from the mother, so that's why she's not the primary caregiver. Addiction issues in either spouse means DRAMA, so yet another reason to opt out super quick, or take things at a snail's pace. Am I wrong in this? Have times changed? Given that the bar for fathers is so low, and so many seem vastly incompetent at childcare, I find it odd to downright disturbing (speaking as an older, childfree woman) that any man would actively want to be the primary custodial parent. But maybe that's me not *having* to keep up with the courts and being completely out of the loop entirely.
I hate how so many men online, in chat especially, are looking for MOMMY McBangmaids, emphasis on "mommy". I can't tell you the number of men I met in chat (comparable to Tinder, in that being online makes people open up rather too much, and say shit they'd never say face to face in real life). I got the distinct impression these guys wanted some woman, any woman, to dump their kids with while they went about their lives. I've had more than one man say he wanted to introduce me to his kids... in an introductory convesation! No waiting months for them, they want a move-in-ready mommy. So problematic on so many levels.
This next part is deliberately gross, so be warned. I got so tired of "here's a ready-made family, aren't you thrilled" that I tried asking a man if his son was young and hot and close to being legal... he didn't understand. He wasn't grossed out. I tried saying plainly that I'd slap his kids if they were bratty, just to force a reaction. No reaction; he kept pushing to get together. I tried saying I'd traffic his kids. No reaction, kept pushing to get together. He didn't have to be a parent, and someone else would? All good to go. Seriously, I said all this, really pushing the envelope, trying to get some sense that these men were actual humans with parenting instincts, and nothing. These men online were just not human. Something was totally missing, in the worst possible way.
I hate how it's so normalized that a woman is just instinctively good with kids, wants kids, wants to opt in to that whole situation, and for a man, it's completely optional. Lemme tell ya, it's extremely optional for women, too, and we're making it known. This is my hill. I absolutely do not think putting "no single parents" on a dating profile is a bad look. Filter away, and let's not waste any time. I for one do a HARD swipe left on any man who says his kids are his first priority. Fine, have fun with that. Thank you next.
Yey, so glad you like the book. Fellow childfree lady here and let me join you on that hill, sista. First off, I agree that the emotional labour/playing second fiddle to a man’s contact schedule and drama with his ex is the most unappealing thing EVER. I know women who have dated single dads and feel like they’re so low down the list of the guy’s priorities that the dude is essentially leading a parallel life. Combine that with any form of animosity with the child’s mother and it’s a dip.com. Secondly, I can’t help but think that more often than not, things must have been *really* awful for a woman to have left the man who fathered her (likely very young) children. As in, really awful. I know there are exceptions to this rule and that people do co-parent amicably/split for various reasons but if a woman CHOOSES to raise her kids alone, that tells me there is more than a slight chance that daddy cool was another, bigger child she had to take care of and she nope’d out rather than trying to keep a family unit together. That or it became intolerable. X
I would not want to date a single dad purely for the immense amounts of emotional labor it would take to deal with their ex, or if they're widowed, their ex's family, being involved in their life. Could you imagine having to play nice with his ex all the time?? Having her and her kid talk about you behind your back? And having the kid resent and disrespect you even if you're nice to them... Yeah no fuck all of that. There's no man on this earth worth that amount of torment.
I'm with you, OP, I want a man 100% to myself so we can create our own world together that's just for the two of us.
Sidenote, this post was hilarious. 😆 Should be submitted as a blog post.
Every single dad I've met is some flavor of Sunday Dad. Only sees the kid every other week, and when its his turn to "babysit", his mother is the one actually watching the child. When he does actually have to watch his kid its - overfeed them and shove a screen in their face so they sleep, so he can game and masturbate. Blank ass depressing walls, no decor, not for the child, not for the holidays, not for himself. Dirty floors and full trash cans and sinks. His mess and entire home is some woman's job, after all. Mattress on the floor and one dirty pillow. Kids room is either a crib or a mattress on the floor, no decor and like 2 sad little toys.
One time I worked with a guy who referred to his child as "the baby" for an entire 2 years. (So, an "it" basically.) He wasn't single those first 2 yrs. Dude fucking hated the kid he pressured his girlfriend into having, probably because "it" turned out to be female. He also didn't consider online cheating to be real cheating. 🙄 This one chose a lower paying job to spite babymama, but also for glass elevator purposes. (Men in low paying women's fields not only get babied and all their work done for them, they get promoted)
Another guy from tinder(barf) screenshotted his baby mama complaining about him refusing to pitch in 20 or 40$ for a highchair for their baby.
He put this screenshot on his Snapchat and eloquently explained that "she owes me 40$ for a bottle of liquor, so that's why I wont buy my own child a highchair."
Why the fuck are you buying your ex liquor? The whole thing reeked of him extorting sex out of his ex using drugs, in exchange for him occasionally pretending to be a father. (This was way before FDS and I screenshot it and blocked him)
His child was also female.
The only good single dad I know is still a scrub, because he loves constantly fighting with the ex, getting back together and break up again, instead of taking full custody because she is on hard drugs. Their child is male. All 3 of these men make/made decent money.
All of this listed above is why men are hiding their kids. They know you have to be a grade A piece of shit for a woman to choose both single motherhood and poverty over him. I don't do single dads. The sign literally reads to me "I've already ruined two lives. I am more important than my children. I am the baby, forever."
The men I've met who hate single mothers hate them because they wont fuck them. They go after very young and attractive single moms, thinking "she must be desperate enough to fuck an ugmo like me." She wont fuck them and they REEE.
Its a huge incel red flag. Had a 40yr old man tell me he hates single moms. Turned out he's creep towards little girls. Big shocker. Of course you hate those who defend children. Seriously though, of all the people in the world to hate, "mothers" is the answer these chodes pick? 🤡 And I'm supposed to NOT consider that a red flag? "Waah moms prevent me from raping their toddlers, this is oppression! And SINGLE moms? A woman not actively being brutalized?! Blesphemy!!!"
Perfectly said. As a childfree woman myself, this one resonated with me to the core.
Fellow childfree woman here- Agree 100%
Also, I have yet to meet one male parent who actually loves (or even tries to love) their kids. That part you mentioned about trying to get them to react as a true loving parent would- is soooo true. Most don't seem to care.
Those of us who happen to have HV dads and loving fathers are in the rarity- it's like a lottery, tbh
I've never dated anyone with small children, but I'm currently dating a man with grown offspring (I'm old!). They're great people with successful lives and happy, stable relationships of their own. In fact, the way they've turned out is one of many green flags, because I know he was an involved father and a lot of their good outcomes came from that.
Fellow childfree here. Hello. I'll quite happily die on this hill right alongside you, and indeed have done, many times now, IRL.
I also don't think it's in any way selfish to expect to be made the main priority in your partner's life when you are offering the same to them. What WOULD be selfish is them expecting 100% from you while offering 50% or less in return.
I had children back in my dating days, and I was adamant that I only dated child-free men. I avoided the yours/mine dynamic. And all the ensuing drama. Being completely up front about that requirement, weeded out all the inappropriate options very quickly. I’m a firm believer in keeping a checklist to help hold those requirements in the front of your mind when meeting potential partners.
Back in the old days, when I was the newly-single mom of one small child, I was on a community newsgroup -- bear in mind this was the early 1990s and everything was text-based and honestly, more wholesome than not -- it was still easy to find normal people to talk to about normal things. Anyway, there was no mention of looking for a relationship, or dating, or any of that, but this man just up and told me he couldn't date me and wasn't interested in me (as if I'd even expressed any interest in him!) because he didn't want to use his money to raise another man's child. I was still very new at all this (we ALL were!) and I was too gobsmacked to deliver a witty retort, but I remember how angry I was at his assumption that I was (a) dirt-poor, (b) unable to earn my own living and support my child, and (c) being a gold-digger.
Ha! Lots of water under the bridge since three decades ago, but scrotes haven't changed!
It is not a double standard. It IS not the same when a man is a single father vs when a woman is a single mother. Women are under way less pressure to make things work and to keep the father in the child's life. Unless he is a widower, there is usually something wrong with the man.
Even so, we don't have to explain ourselves.
This is my post from when FDS was on Reddit. Back when I was on OLD, I put something similar, childfree and looking for the same. Scrotes be ANGRY. https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/luq7n7/nvm_afraid_to_be_judged_like_he_judges_single/
My ex-husband had two young kids and it was incredibly quick before I took over raising them. I was young and naive but ultimately did want the instant family. We had a further child together so I now have three great kids. But it left me refusing to date another man with kids (unless they’re adults). I’m not doing it again. Me being a single mum is completely different. My ex boyfriend didn’t meet my son for a year and once they did meet, he was more of a buddy. He didn’t pick up any of the proper patenting tasks.