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What are your thoughts on self-proclaimed stoic men? Any experiences with stoic men?
To me it always seems like they believe that they are sooo good at controlling their emotions, but they are actually not. They tend to act cold, but then react with extreme emotional outbursts in certain situations (examples: road rage, hitting walls, reacting overly emotional after losing a video game or when their favorite sports team loses).
It's a red flag for me. Emotions are a vital part of life. Even the negative ones. Most of the original Stoics were extremely misogynistic. It's part of toxic masculinity culture. Being stoic. It literally means someone who can endure hard shit without complaining or showing feelings. Aka emotionally stunted or someone who has issues with attachment. Complaining and venting your feelings is healthy and a big part of having good mental health. Stoic: "not affected by or showing passion or feeling". It's like a pretend sociopath.
I think "self proclaimed" anything is usually not a great sign. If you have to proclaim it, it's because you aren't showing it.
Both myself and my boyfriend (who so far seems pretty HV) are stoic in the sense that we don't complain about things we can't change, and are generally reserved in shows of emotion especially with those outside our inner circle. But that doesn't mean we don't discuss emotional things, we just express what our emotions are calmly and don't wig out.
This whole stoic thing and also being super honky dory "thinking positive 24/7/365" both ain't it for me. Emotions are what life is all about. Expressing, feeling, and being able to sit through emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones, is a part of healthy development. A man who suppresses himself is not being a stoic or logical or cool-he's a walking time bomb waiting to explode.
Upvoting and agreeing with what others said. I’d be leery that they’re also looking for a cool girl who won’t ask for much and who has no complex, complicated emotions. Because they have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
They're just passive aggressive.
Ive never met a man who calls himself sToIc. Lol I would think he's an immature brat, or a fucking wierdo who's incapable of expressing emotions. Loser!
Omg my first boyfriend! Thankfully he grew out of it, but for a while there he would tell me how great it would be if we both adopted a stoic mindset. Uhm no. We're not robots. Emotionally healthy people don't need to aspire towards being a stoic. You can aspire towards growth which entails lots of different avenues rather than simply repressing your feelings and ignoring the reality of being human.
Exactly re the emotional outbursts. Some of the most irrational, emotionally volatile people out there. I think they're more prone to developing addictions too, since dependence on alcohol/other drugs allows them to reign in their natural emotional responses.
I actually have been lucky enough to meet emotionally mature men and they're usually friendly, laugh easily, calm, and gentle. They're the sort of guys who genuinely like animals.
I had a friend struggling with her kid’s school where both the teacher and head were male. She cared so much that she couldn’t help but cry and they’d use it as an opportunity to talk over her and end the meetings. I made her practise lines with me. Stuff like, “my tears reflect the importance of this issue, please don’t make your emotional discomfort part of this discussion.” At one point I shouted at her, “crying is irrelevant, you’re making good points so don’t stop!” I was so happy I burst into tears myself when she called me to say that it had gone well and they’d freaked out a bit. Her kid got the help she needed. Fuck the stoics, fuck the people that think emotions make you weak!
I’m truly, TRULY stoic. As in, I’ve studied the western philosophy of stoicism as espoused by Seneca the Younger. My husband, at times, feels uneasy with my stoicism. Why? He can’t stand how during many traumatic events (eg. the death of my grandfathers, to whom I was super duper close, during numerous natural disaster we’ve faced where we’ve had major losses, or even when I spent 18 HOURS in county jail) I remained deeply calmed and didn’t loose my composure. I’ve always seen this as an amazing quality, and I thank my dad everyday for introducing me to Seneca the Younger as a teen.
Feels pretentious
When I see this in a dating app, I think he’s actually lazy. He won’t plan anything, call or do anything for me.
I don't like men who label themselves like that. And yes, I've found self proclaimed stoics weaponize the term to invalidate other people's feelings (of course they stay entitled to their own).