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The title refers to how hard it is to find a decent man that has a genuine interest in a woman; interest that isn’t too little or too much.
Men either have zero interest in a woman (which doesn’t stop them from using her for sex, attention, a place to stay, etc.) or they have a warped type of “interest” (which isn't real interest) that is intense, obsessive and possessive. The type of interest that is the "if I can't have you, nobody can" or "I don't want you but don't want you to go anywhere or be with anyone else" type.
Finding a man whose interest is sincere, genuine, healthy and not all-consuming, real, natural and long-standing is very very rare. If most men's interest in women included all the traits I just stated, then ghosting randomly, breadcrumbing, leaving sick girlfriends/wives and other cruel types of treatment women suffer at the hands of men would either exist to a small degree or not at all.
I just randomly thought of this today and even though this behavioural trait of theirs is obvious, it's something I just wanted to rant and write about.
Anyone else feel the same way?
Yep. This has been my experience. I don't have a great track record with relationships so I'm super cautious and not interested in getting into any relationship. But a few years ago, I thought I found a decent guy. We hung out for several months (my vetting period) before reluctantly becoming romantically involved. I was very clear that I required honest, straightforward communication at all times. No bullshit. We were together for over a year and it was really great. We communicated openly. He seemed honest. He was truly kind and went out of his way to be supportive to me in so many different ways. We enjoyed similar hobbies and trips. Last year, we had to transition to what I thought would be a very temporary LDR. He can travel for cheap so it wasn't an issue. It was fine. Then six months in, I got sick. I started hearing less from him but he was still planning a visit. A few months later, I was diagnosed with a disability the same month he was scheduled to come. He canceled without telling me. He no longer would ask me how my days were. Then he stopped messaging/responding at all. Then like two months later, I see him and some other woman on a weekend trip together posted on his socials. During all this he was still watching every single story I posted on IG. What a sad, pathetic coward. I didn't say anything, I just blocked him on there and his number. Super disappointed but not surprised.
I know almost no men who have stable emotional connections. Is anyone else tired?
🙋🏻♀️
Just the other day I had a match on bumble ( i know, i know) and this guy completely lost it the next day, when he realised that i had gotten a new icon (super interesting) from another guy. He probably thought that he’s the only guy I’ve been talking to. He asked me: when did you get it, who gave it to you and that i would have to proof that i am in fact super interesting to which i replied: i dont have to do anything. After that he tried to lecture me how what i said made no sense, so i deleted him.
The week before that guy, another guy and i chatted for a few days. Everything was fine until one day. I was the last to reply late in the evening and the next day around noon the guy texts me to say: Ok, got it. I would’ve loved to get to know you more.
Like wtf?
Oh yeah, and there was another one a few days ago… within a day of texting he wrote me a poem and told me that he liked me from the bottom of his heart.
So yeah, it would be really nice to have a not over the top disinterested or into you kinda guy. But those don’t seem to exist. Its always an extreme with them.
that’s why i just decenter men and romantic relationships. most men aren’t genuine
the one time i thought i had found a guy who genuinely wanted something serious with me and seemd slightly HV (i mean, that's waht it seems lookin back now because i didn't know FDS then) turned out to be desperate for sex, didn't respect my boundries etc, etc. in other words: LVM.
he idealized me. it seemed to me he fell in love at first sight (or maybe he was just love bombing...) and created a fantasy in his head. to him i wasn't me: i was someone else, created by his imagination, but with my looks. he didn't bother to talk to me and get to know me. yes, we spoke to each other, we texted frequently, there were video chats. but he didn't care to know anything about me. he just flattered me with compliments - which i like, not gonna lie.
i remember one time i tried to play a game with interesting questions to ask each other so we could connect more. he complained it was boring and proceeded to try and have sex with me. that was the last day we spent together. now i know that it's actually best not to talk too much about me in the beginning, but by then i thought it was a good thing if the guy took an interest in me and my life.
anyways, what i really meant to say with this story is: male 'love' is very selfish and self centered. it's all about them and how the woman can exist FOR them. be pretty for them, do stuff for them, provide sex for them, love them, etc. we don't have a personality, a life, ambitions, fears, hopes, dreams, experiences. we are accessories. an aspect of life they get to enjoy. kinda like tourists think women are part of the tourist attractions of a different country (i've had a guy literally tell me that once).
men aren't capable of loving women. they only love themselves and their bros.
I've been in four long-term relationships with men who had zero capacity for nuance. If they were happy with me, they wanted to spend every waking moment in my presence, home, and DMs, and completely monopolize my time. If they were angry, confused, or experiencing any feeling that is not horny or happy, I didn't exist (unless I posted stories. They watched those religiously, without fail.)
Reminds me of babies before they learn object permanence.
Agreed. Very well put
It has occurred to me I never have had a man's true interest. I was merely convenient. 😔
This has very much been my experience too.