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I've been lurking on FDS for a while now but i could really use some of your perspectives today. Sorry if this turns out to be very long or missing key information, i'm a bit all over the place as i'm typing this. Don't take the title too literally, i just couldn't come up with a better one.
Ten years ago i broke up with my college boyfriend and ended the only healthy and truly loving relationship i've ever had. I broke up with him because of attachment issues stemming from my first relationship, fomo and honestly being unable to value what we've had. At the time, i thought to myself: what are the chances i get it right with the second guy i've ever been with? He was quite serious about us and I just wasn't ready to 'settle down' in that sense. He wasn't perfect (neither was I) but our relationship was very happy and he had a lot of great qualities that aren't exactly common in the male species.
Over the past years, i have had a lot of regrets about ending things with him so carelessly. My dating life since has been nothing but disappointment and inevitably a lot of thoughts lead back to this relationship. When we dated, i was completely oblivious to the fact that most men are low value scrotes. I'm doing alright in other areas of my life, although my career is nothing special and recently a lot of friends are getting married or having kids which makes things tough at times. I'm in therapy and overall felt in better place mentally lately...
Untill i saw a picture of him on somebody's social media. I felt like my heart dropped to my stomach for a second because i haven't seen or heard from him in a decade. We had a pretty amicable break up but he made it clear that staying friends with exes doesn't work for him. He doesn't have any public social media that i know of so we essentially lost touch completely. By the time i wanted to reach out to him and tell him how i felt (8 years ago), he was living on the other side of the globe.
I messaged the person who posted the photo to ask him a few questions about my ex and it turns out that he recently moved to an area close to where i live. I want to get into contact with him but i honestly don't even know what to message him or what i even expect to happen here. Obviously it's been ages since we've dated so he might be a completely different person now. I'd be fine with being friends and maybe just catch up a little but i'm not sure if hearing about his success will make me feel any better tbh. I never told him how i felt about our relationship and would like to get it off my chest, to maybe get some closure... but i have no idea how to approach all of this. Do i even message him? His friend might bring up that i asked for his number at this point anyway...
FDS says that we don't chase men. However, I can empathize with you. It's awkward trying to catch up with someone you haven't seen for a long time. Are you sure you would be okay with just being friends? I don't think there would be anything inherently wrong by at least putting yourself on his radar. On the other hand, if he was such a great guy, why is he single now? Maybe you are romanticizing the relationship because you haven't had better since, which would make you vulnerable to trying to make something happen with this guy because you see him as your "only chance". I would tread with caution here.
Do a background check on him first
Oooh that's tough. When I first read the title my first thought was, there is no such thing as the one that got away.
After reading this, I'm sorry that you're going through that. It sounds heartbreaking!
Handbook says don't chase a man. But I don't think it's wrong to reach out. He was someone important to you a long time ago. If he doesn't want to talk then you have your answer , then you just don't do anything. He might be happy to hear from you.
I'd keep in mind that you're thinking about him with nostalgia and that can be dangerous. You might be disappointed if you do catch up and realize he kinda sucks.
If you do reach out to him, be prepared for that, be prepared that he may not want you like that anymore. I don't think you can be friends because of your past and how you're still holding onto him.
if you understand the risks I don't see the problem with getting in touch.
Good luck to you!
The compulsion to reach out is very real, isn't it? Instead of being totally direct and calling him up, I might try to glean more info. about him from secondary sources, other friends, a lot of Googling him, etc. first, just to make sure I wasn't idealizing the past. Maybe you'll find a way to discretely get his attention and compel him to reach out to you. I like the tactic of perhaps dropping hints to mutual friends.
OT but this sounds like a romcom plot and you are the main character.