.png)
There's a lot of terrible advice out there on the internet for both these topics and I need some serious advice from HVW out there.
My current boyfriend and I met online. We have been dating now for a year now (our anniversary was two days ago). Off the start there was a strong connection/ spark. It had been a long time since I felt this optimistic about a man and he seemed really into me. We have lots in common and go on fun dates. I've met his family and his friends. We see each other regularly. This is the most calm and normal relationship I've had. Things aren't perfect (we don't see eye to eye on everything) but we respect each other's differences and things feel good overall.
I have never been the one to say "I love you" first. My exes tend to fall for me way faster than I am comfortable with and usually have to tell them to slow it down. So I was surprised and increasingly concerned when 6 months passed, then 8, and he still hadn't said it. Finally, I took matters into my own hands and at his friend's wedding when we were dancing to a romantic song and I was feeling very connected to him I told him I loved him. He didn't hesitate and said it back. It was a very happy moment for me.
Flash forward two months, and he hasn't said it since.
Lots of advice online say things like, "Maybe it's just not really in his vocabulary?" or "Maybe he shows his love in other ways?" but he doesn't fit into this category. This man says, "I love you" to both his male and female friends alike when we are leaving gatherings. He says it to his parents every time they talk. He has even told my cats (whom he is allergic to) and dog that he loves them.
So this leads me to the second topic... Looking for some advice on how to have difficult conversations like this one? In the back of my mind, I suspect he was just telling me what I wanted to hear back in August and that he doesn't really love me but I can't just go on assuming. I need to address the elephant in the room to either get on the same page with him about our feelings for each other or break up and move on. I have a tendency to avoid conflict and have a hard time standing up for myself so I like having some plan/ talking points in place before I have difficult conversations. Any advice is appreciated!
UPDATE: I dumped him.
It’s not a conversation you should be having at all. Stop doing mental gymnastics. He either loves you or he doesn’t. You can’t force a person to love you, much like you can’t make him change. I know it’s sucks to come to terms with bc you’re emotionally invested, but you have to accept the facts you are facing. He likely responded to appease you when you said it first, however, if he has not said it unprompted after it’s been a solid year, he is using you for a free pussy subscription. It could also be a gross power play where he can see how desperate you are to hear those words come from him and he is maliciously withholding, but I really hope that’s not the case. Sis, really, it comes down to one thing. If he wanted to, he would. This ain’t it. Take your dignity and self-respect, and move on with your life. Think about it if you stayed with him, is this the story you want to reflect on about your admissions of love to each other? How you had to argue and force him to say something that is clearly insincere? This is no different to getting a “shut-up ring” to shut up a nagging desperate woman to be married. Be better to yourself.
Last time you brought it up he said exactly what you wanted to hear. He says it to everyone (including your pets) but you. If he wanted to say he loved you he would say it.
But for real the fact that he says it to YOUR PETS but not you is a red flag. Wtf dude.
Confronting him will get you more comforting noises that buy him time and access to gf benefits.
Here's the situation: He reflexively says "I love you" to pets, friends and family, but not you.
Yikes.
Is that good enough for you? Is this the type of relationship dynamic you're comfortable with?
This is a prime example of ‘if he wanted to he would’. And now that he hasn’t, what do you deduce from this? Occam’s Razor: the simplest answer is usually the answer. You know the answer.
"In the back of my mind I suspect he was just telling me what I wanted to hear in August"
Girl, isn't that your intuition? Listen to it, deep down you know what's up. Yeah, you can always bring it up and try to have a conversation with him but I believe in this case the conversation would lead to a) him getting defensive and avoiding the topic or b) him admitting he doesn't love you.
It sucks but please listen to your gut, you'll save yourself the heartache
Eff this effed up society that says it's okay to have sex with total strangers on the first date, but God forbid we say "I love you" after several months of being intimate. This happened to me years ago- I had been dating a guy for 3 months and had been having sex with him a good majority of the time. We went for a ride on his motorcycle (which I am NOT a fan of, but I was trying to please him), and somehow, I slipped. I told him, "I love you" and he replied "Oh... love you, too?" Like, really, he said it like it was a question! Right then I knew. I had compromised my values (I am NOT a biker chick- I have no interest in motorcycles; I don't even enjoy them and I find them quite dangerous). And he had said "I love you (question mark!) No, no, no. We women need to expect (and demand) so much more.
Personally I would never have a conversation like this with any man. If he didn’t say it then his intentions are not right and he is wasting your time. If I was you, I would tell him this relationship isn’t working for me anymore and wish him the best. Then block and delete without any reasons so he doesn’t manipulate you. Never ever ever beg for love!! The right man will tell you his feelings all along and will not make you confused.
Hmmm, he's never said it to you in the same context as his friends/family? Like if you were leaving or hanging up the phone, he doesn't say it? That makes it seem like he's consciously holding it back with you for some reason.
Normally a sit-down serious conversation would be better but in this case I feel like doing this would set him up to start out on the defensive. Try bringing it up casually after he says it to your pets again. "I just realized we've* never said 'I love you' again after (friend)'s wedding" and gauge how he reacts.
*if you say "YOU'VE never said it" he will probably get defensive and weird, it'll remind him that you were the one to say it first (which could potentially be the issue, if he feels emasculated or whatever)
Alternatively: put him on the spot by saying "You say that to the cats/dog more than you say it to me, why is that?"
In terms of talking points I would just ask questions and try to give him nothing to latch onto. Like don't start talking about your own feelings or anything (at least at first), just ask "why?", "what does this mean for our relationship?", "how do you feel about me?" etc and then get him to elaborate. Give him the rope that lets him hang himself, so to speak lol. He's the one who has to explain himself.
If he seems blindsided, awkward, or panicked (or ignores the comment), that bodes poorly and was probably hoping you would never bring it up.
If he gets angry or upset... well aside from it just being a bad sign, it also shows that he'll handle any other future disagreements badly.
If he laughs it off, he's immature and probably sees other relationship milestones as frivolous - what did he do for your anniversary for example?
If he's thoughtful and serious, then he's been thinking about it himself. This could be a potentially rough conversation, but you sound prepared for it if it leads to a "well I just don't love you....YET" bomb. It could also be as benign as just being one of those ~~~I show how much I love you with muh actions~~~ guys though (which is a whole nother conversation lol)
I hope any of this helped 💖
I'd probably just break up with him, and when he asks why, I'd just tell him that he doesn't love me, and I know it based upon how he has no problem telling everyone else, and even the animals, that he loves them. But when it comes to me, he never says it. The End. Don't give him the chance to pretend to love you after you express your disappointment. That will only buy him more time to hurt you and waste your time. A man can spend 30 years with a woman pretending he loves her when he doesn't. He'll drop that long suffering woman in a heartbeat when he finds the girl he does want to love. You deserve better than this guy. Being alone is even better than settling with a man who's just going thru the motions. At least you would be free and have the chance to find love.
Your gut is telling you that something's up. And our intuition is usually correct. I would agree that it's weird he hasn't said it on his own initiative. When you really love someone, you just want to say it, even if words aren't your biggest strength – my partner and I are both not the best with big words but we say them to each other anyway (he dropped the L first). Even my most LV exes could say it. If there was some kind of cultural difference here or him not being used to saying it at all, you would already know by now, but that's not the case here. You already know you would have wanted him to say it sooner, on his own – he missed the mark and the damage has already been done. How do you think he could salvage this after you talk to him about it? By "giving in" to what you want, but with you knowing he only reacted to your pressure? The only reasonable course of action, in my opinion, is to wait a fixed amount of time for him to come around without your input, and then cut your losses when he doesn't (which seems likely but you never know). You don't want to drag a man to do the most basic things like saying that he loves you. There's men who will gladly do that and much more. Maybe the calmness of your relationship also points to him comfortably coasting along but lacking deeper emotion and commitment. It seems you already have all the answers, you're just hoping for a different explanation from him. Don't give him the chance to fool you and string you along. He has already shown his cards.
I’m really sorry hun but I don’t think this is a good situation for you to be in :/
I wouldn’t compare saying ‘I love you’ to family, friends and pets to saying it to a romantic partner. Those are very different types of love.
Have you said ‘I love you’ to him since that one time on the dance floor? Or are you just waiting for him to say it first spontaneously?