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Hyper-independence.
A sister pointed this out to me before (don't remember which sister, please show yourself and claim your right), which is defined as this:
Hyper-independence refers to individual attempts to be fully independent in all things, even when it is not helpful to do so or when they truly need help or support from others. When someone’s need to be independent goes to an unhealthy extreme, this is hyper-independence.
Read about it in your free time -- but here's the thing;
Hyper-independence has becoming pretty much a global women's "thing". You are groomed to be hyper-independent.
Because men (and toxic people) are throwing tantrums, refusing to do the hard work of growing up and developing their maturity -- so guess who is expected to pick up the slack?
That's right -- YOU.
Do you think it is normal to feel disgusted and humiliated (with yourself) when you need help?
We all know it, the bar is in hell for men.
But do you realize -- what kind of INHUMANE bar you are put on, since birth?
Do you think it is normal to go to work all day then come back home and still expected to be the one shouldering majority (or, let's be honest -- ALL) of chores?
Expect the daughters to be the "mature" ones while coddling the crap out of dem boys?
Be the third parent and expected to be the "bigger person" while your siblings can run around wrecking havoc and you get blamed for every single accident?
Be the only one actually working in every group project -- while everybody else get to put their names on the result of your blood, sweat and tears?
Be perfectly fine and healthy three days after giving birth and taking care of a newborn all on your own -- while still getting all the chores done and bounce back to your old body in under a month -- otherwise you are "lazy and letting herself go"?
Perfect dress, perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect heels, perfect make-up, perfect handbag, perfect perfume, perfect everything -- only to go on a damn "coffee date" that you pay your own half? Only to end up still sleeping with him because "that's what two people dating do, what are you, a prude?"
Be the "reliable" one at work that get things done bullet-train fast and solve people's problem and making sure that every single detail is perfect -- yet never got even a slightest recognition for the things you done. Only snide remarks about "doing better" when you make some petty ass mistakes.
Groomed to be the "Martyr of the House" -- people romanticize about sick moms still getting up and cleaning the house top to bottom, the care of the kids, being the "superwoman" mom that tirelessly working and sacrificing for her family?
(Meanwhile pop and the damn kids just sit around on their asses being useless and whining about when is the food coming)
Do you not realize -- you are this close to breaking apart completely if you keep going like this?
Your young, 18-something, 20-something body can only last -- give or take another 10-15 years before something brutal will happen.
Stroke, breast cancer, cyst, bone problems, heart problems, depression, early onset of complete mental breakdown -- take your pick.
I don't mean to scare y'all -- especially the youngins -- but this is the reality. I personally know a mid-30 sister who got stroke from extreme stress.
Get off that train before you crash yourself, sis.
"Lazy."
You hear that a lot. And for some reason, whenever you hear that word, a woman is always involved.
You are deathly afraid of this word. Because it is a punishment for when you failed to meet the INHUMANE bar -- ya know, because you are exhausted and got clumsy.
"Lazy."
All the things you do, all the hours and days working and doing and toiling yourself to complete exhaustion -- but you forgot some very simple, very petty details -- BECAUSE YOU ARE EXHAUSTED.
They frown, and sigh, and look at you with complete disappointment.
"Stop being so lazy," they say, "Keep up. You can do better than this."
And your whole week was ruined.
"Lazy."
And the most f**ked up thing about this is that -- the ones who, more often than not calling you "lazy" are other women.
Because all of us are groomed to follow that INHUMANE bar so deeply and faithfully, we end up policing each other -- making sure all women stay chasing that INHUMANE bar, while the men claps and cheers, laughing at us behind our back.
"Ah, men. Boys will be boys" while you got yelled and publicly humiliated because you forgot to turn in the assignment or something extremely petty.
"Lazy."
Men can sit playing games, unmoving for 8 hours and mommy dearest will come in and spoon-feed him, while you got yelled for "being lazy" -- because you skipped deep-cleaning some corners after vacuuming the entire length of the house.
What a f**king joke.
"Lazy."
"Lazy."
"Lazy."
And to that I say -- cheers, be the laziest lazy to ever lazy in the history of the lazies, sis.
You owe yourself a decade worth of being lazy -- at least.
They love to call you that so much anyway -- so let them eat their own words.
No, you won't end up being these people: Too Posh To Parent (Wealthy Families Documentary) | Real Stories
Just because you take more rest and let other people help you more -- doesn't mean you will change entirely, understand?
Deep down, you are still [YOU]. It takes a lot to change someone's entire personality and moral values and core principles, understand?
Allowing yourself to be taken care of, to be spoiled, to be catered to, to be the one sitting on the sofa playing with Mr Willow the cat while pops and dem kids wash the dishes and clean the kitchen -- WILL NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON!
You are BRAINWASHED to believe that allowing yourself to be helped, to be taken care of, to be spoiled will change you into this being that are so evil and cruel and freaky -- you won't even recognize yourself anymore.
You are FRIGHTENED to death, thinking about "what people will say" if you let other people do things for you -- you rather be the one slaving away cleaning every mess while they just laze around making more mess.
Can you not see how F**KED UP this entire situation is?
You are not "evil" for needing rest -- like any other human being.
Even mama cat get away from her needy litters and rest periodically throughout the day -- and yet YOU think you don't need rest?
You KNOW you are still going to be hoovering around, asking if there's anything you can help with after he told you he got it all covered for the 158th time;
And you still think you are gonna turn "evil and cruel" after tasting a little pampering?
Hah.
At the very least, remember that you are still a human being.
You are NOT a workhorse mule.
You are NOT a supercomputer.
You are NOT a bangmaid robot.
You are NOT his All-in-One Personal Entertainment System.
You are NOT "worthless" for needing help and asking for help.
You are NOT "worthless" for making mistakes -- hell, you make too little mistakes. Make more.
You DO NOT NEED to do everything by yourself.
You are NOT a "being" that exists solely to pick up the slacks of other shitty ass people -- especially men.
You are NOT that INHUMANE bar.
You are a HUMAN BEING. So you stay a HUMAN BEING.
Give em the middle finger because they will still try to guilt-trip you for not following that INHUMANE bar.
Get help. Ask for help. Start saying a million of thank-yous and say less "I got it, it is fine."
Rest, be "lazy". Make mistakes. Live.
Stay safe, Stay WOMAN.
I would also like to mention: some of us are hyper independent because we are surrounded by people who literally will not help us in any way, no matter what boundaries we set. And in fact will add to our stress. The solution for me was to cut these toxic people from my life and basically refuse almost all interaction with my family. Nobody is coming over with a home cooked meal or to help me do my laundry when I can barely stand. Right now I actually do need to do everything myself. I still must be hyper independent and look after myself while chronically ill, but at least I'm not wasting precious energy on takers and can focus on myself. New people in my life, when they come, will be able to help, but it's a tough go during this transition.
What if we - and this is wild - just stopped helping people in general, and only help other women who need it, and ourselves? There's nothing the patriarchal foot-soldiers hate more than women who are not only highly independent, but actually make connections with other women entirely independently of them. Leave behind the scrotes and pickmes entirely, stop doing their shit for them, stop giving them the time of day. The only way we move forward as women and as a species is to quit allowing them to walk all over us. Enough.
Pretty much says it all. Ladies, take heed. Previously very healthy, I became very ill in my early 40s. Chronic people pleaser, perfectionist, stress from overextending myself as well as anxiety and PTSD from narcissistic family and relationships. I said to someone, "I feel like one more thing will push me over the edge." They didn't get it. That one more thing happened: I tried to push through and I was bedridden for months. I am am only now getting my health back with firm boundaries, rest, and intense self care. Thank you for this post. I only wish I'd known this sooner.
Great post. Can we also talk about this weird hyper-independence that are forced on women when they do get into a relationship or a marriage? How many times have we heard of the woman who shows up at the folks place all by herself during the holidays while her scrote bf or husband either didn't come or will come around much later to avoid picking up after the children? How many times have we seen our female friends cry in bed because it's been days since they've last heard of their bf but whenever she reaches out to him, he tells her that he's super busy or is spending time with another girl because "She's going through some things and needs me"? Or how many times we've heard men chastising women for trying to away his bruh times with his friends and having the audacity to ask him to take her out on a date because it's been so long?
We are always being put through these gruesome tests where we have to survive for a very long time without any form of intimacy or contact with a scrote who is supposed to be our fucking partners. It's insanity.
You are saving our lives with another post because this is soo validating after working and cleaning my ass off 24/7 for years and still being told it’s not enough.
Doesn‘t help that I’m Asian too so racist assholes at work think it’s the norm for me to work ruthlessly hard anyway. I’m only in my mid twenties and I’m already so burnt out that I have very little energy to even go out and socialize even after a nap. I am only now catching up on rest, but now I refuse to beat myself up if i can’t do much in a day.
Rest and health are always the top priority anyway! our worth is not measured by what we can do!!
This hits close to home. I am a caregiver for my disabled mother, and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders to the point where I am close to crumbling just about every day--take care of her, work a part-time job (though I'm lucky to work from home), do the dishes and laundry and cook the meals and take out the trash and somehow find time to care for myself. If I share my struggles, I get no compassion or understanding. I am servant, maid, and nurse all in one. I'm not supposed to have limitations or needs or a break. This has been going on for three years now. It has aged me, broken me, worn me down, and stolen my spirit.
Women are expected to give everything. There was a recent discussion about men's mental health awareness, and it makes me bristle. Who cares about women's mental health? Who cares about our health at all? You think if I were a man any of this would be expected of me? But I'm an only child and a daughter, and so it's all on me. I don't want to hear about men's problems when barely anything is expected of them in this world.
Was waiting for your post! Love it love it love it. I have started letting people do more for me. Anytime anyone offers to help me with ANYTHING, even if I know I can do it myself, I let them. It’s still new for me to be doing this because I am so stuck in this exact laziness brainwashing you wrote about! It’s time to break free of it!!
Decided to prioritize myself, rest, and doing whatever the hell I wanted in my 20s. Took way longer to undo a very deep Protestant work ethic but these last two years of having to live close and stay home have helped. Upvoting this to the sky!
Remembered these stats from a UN Report on the status of women circa 1980: On a global scale, Women are 52% of the population, do 2/3 of the work in the world, earn about 10% of the income and own less than 1% of world property. So, if we stop helping men that’ll help take some of the load off.
Two adults, no kids: I couldn’t even rest the day after surgery. In the afternoon I took a pain pill and got comfortable enough to nap but then my future ex-husband gently shook me awake to whisper, “What would you like me to make for supper?” He regarded this as kind and considerate so he played sad when I got mad. It underscored that I was there to serve and serve I must.
There have been times where admittedly, the people in my family that helped me when I was sick were around to help me- but at the expense that much later on they were even more abusive or think it's ok to treat me like shit and I am obligated to put up with it. I can't say my independence is helping me all that much since I'm still stuck living here with these people but I can't recall a single moment where: when I help someone doesn't give me a free pass to abuse them.