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It was a "coffee date." Of course. A top researcher in his field (globally renowned). Good looking, smart, articulate. We met through work. The first hint was that he insisted on a weekend night, rather than just meeting near our mutual workplace directly after work hours, which would have been less of a time investment for me. Then, he messages me saying he will be ten minutes late, and asks where he can park. I told him I don't know (I am not a parking attendant, nor do I have a car downtown).
It sit, drinking tea, and wait. Half an hour passes. Normally I would get up and leave but he's a colleague and it feels rude. He messages me again apolgizing and saying he can't find parking.
He was almost an HOUR late. I was just getting up to leave when he walked in. He's smiling and all, "sorry I'm late!" With a "dog who ate his homework" story. Then he says, "aren't you mad?" I wasn't going to give him the pleasure of a reaction which he seemed to be seeking. I told him I wouldn't waste my energy. What's the point? I said I was just going to leave. This guy has 2 PhDs
and runs a global program working with the UN. He's not a dummy. He can arrive on time somewhere and find parking.
Fortunately the shop closed soon after (since he was so late) and I was able to get up and leave shortly thereafter. When I got home, I was shaking with rage. He had the audacity to message me the next day and continue to chat me up, as if we were all good. I left him on read.
That was the incident -- just a few months ago -- that pushed me over the edge and made me go full FDS. I realized it was an amalgam of every interaction I've had with men. No effort, monopolizing my time, expecting I assist them with basic life tasks, and the sadistic reaction seeking. This guy wanted to seek validation in my distress. Just like all of them: they know what they are doing and they do it with intent.
I feel an enormous sense of relief knowing that it's finally over and I'm free.
nah he was totally playing you. I don't care if a dude has all those titles he can keep his career. Weird how men like that sound good on paper and most anyone would tell you to give him a chance (which you did) and put up with everything he puts you through. He obviously can't handle more commitments so idk why he even insisted on that. Also don't sh!t where u eat...
A guy who's an ER doctor or has 3 PhDs is nothing if he can't operate with basic decency and courtesy. NEXT!
Good on you for shutting his shit down.
He was testing you. He purposely came late to see what your reaction would be. This is why he asked if you were mad. I dated a multi millionaire who did the same thing to me. I didn't realize he was testing me at the time. But after days of reflection, I realized he purposely came late to test my reaction. Because when he finally showed up, he kept asking me over and over if I was mad. He asked me 4 or 5 times. Even pressing me, "Are you SURE you aren't mad???" Finally I asked him why he keeps asking me if I was mad, and he finally drops it. I guess I passed? But I don't understand what kind of test this is. It would be absolutely normal for a person to be upset if someone is a hour late.
Congratulations on leveling up! Leave Mr. Coffee in the trash heap where he belongs ✨
I always wondered if I should try a coffee if the Coffee shop is cosy and looks like a high end restaurant.
nevermind. Men who offer coffee dates are garbage in general.
So what has happened since then? Anything good? I think we all have our turning point stories. Mine has to be technically a slow realisation - I was in denial in 2019, coming around in 2020, and this year, late this summer, I was like, okay examine every possibility, every outcome. What’s the best one? The one where I follow FDS.
How infuriating. I'm sorry he wasted your time like that. I really think he did that on purpose. Men really do be having so many revenge fantasies like this- making the "hot" female colleague from work wait and being stood up for the first time in her life, or embarrassing women at his job by never taking their ideas seriously, etc. They think it will help them heal from the time when Susie from preschool rejecting him because he had cooties. 🙄
He's a top researcher but couldn't afford a dinner?
Good lesson to learn: Don't accept shitty behavior.
Why do you feel rude? HE is the rude one for not being on time and making you wait.
Ugh I swear so many "high status" men are the worst. They believe they own the world and therefore they can own women. I've very rarely met a humble, non-misogynistic rich / accomplished dude. Partly because the system is set up to benefit assholes, the gentle and nice ones usually don't rise to the top (or if they do, they don't show it as much). At least the "normal" guys have a higher chance of knowing they need to impress a woman through their actions. No guarantee, of course – there's lots of bitter ones who resent having to put in effort instead of just waving their credit cards like they imagine "alphas" do. But the men who fit the image of the alpha are almost certainly abusers.
Even if a coffee date was acceptable (and it’s not), the fact that he wanted you to spend a weekend night on it is a red flag.
The sadistic reaction seeking was a revelation to me. It's sociopathic level behavior but I realized that's what my ex was seeking from me when he reached out after no contact. Kind of amazing what lows they will go to for attention.
Never accept coffee dates.
Fifteen minutes leeway, and then you walk, unless he's called, apologized profusely, and has a really good reason for lateness that's along the lines of being in a car accident.