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My childhood friend's daughter (19F) has been dating her former high school classmate (18M) for 7 months. First boyfriend, first lover. They're in their 1st year of college now, she lives at home with my friend & her husband. I'm sure the 18M is a narcissist, in an emeshed family of narcs - both of his parents are batshit and controlling. So 19F was his "best friend" for 4 years of high school, advising him while he strung along a girlfriend who he claims became suicidal and was "a bitch." Total "my ex was a bitch!" red flag of course, and being his emotional side chick/free therapist as a "best friend." PickMe to the max right there, all of it.
The drama with his ex-gf (who I sympathize with) ruined prom for my friend's daughter, yet she stayed dating him. He and her other best friend, a woman, did not get along, so she friend-dumped her female/real best friend, and yet stayed dating him. Because she wants to get married ASAP and have kids right away after college.
The narky boyfriend has basically been living with my friend's family and eating them out of house and home, bc my friend and her husband are overly nice, over giving, unhealed codependents with shitty boundaries, who got sympathy suckered by his tales of abusive narc parents who don't approve of their daughter or anyone dating their son. "He needs our help!" Ugh.
Why TF is teenage engagement and early 20s marriage still normalized among college educated folks in the US, you ask? Because we have marriage on a pedestal and want to control women's bodies. We here know all the reasons.
I'm disgusted and am tired of hearing about my friend enabling all of this insanity. "He told me he's gonna ask her to marry him in the spring!" 🤡 "He promised to Grey Rock his narcissistic parents so things will get better and they won't be triggered into telling each other to shut up about his parents!" Sure.
19F needs to get a full life with cool hobbies and supportive girlfriends outside of this shitty boyfriend who ignores her and flat out refuses to go to therapy.
My friend and her husband need to stop projecting their niceness and good intentions onto everyone around them. They also need to stop projecting their unicorn, rare happy marriage that started at age 20, and prior to that they were high school sweethearts their senior year. They are like Chip and Joanna Gaines.
For my part, I set a boundary around discussing this any further with my friend, and referred her to counseling. "I don't want to enable any of this nonsense by continuing to discuss this further. The red flags are all there, but ya'll are choosing to ignore them." Period.
UPDATE: The 18M scrote yelled at my friend in her own house. Then a few weeks later, he yelled at 19F in the house! 🚩🚩🚩He didn't want to look at a house project 19F completed and was excited about. 🚩🚩🚩18M just turned down a job my friends helped arrange for him, and is instead applying to multiple jobs out of state. I think the mask is coming off and he plans to find other women out of state, just like his dad does. I referred my friend to group counseling, and have changed the subject each time she tries to bring it up.
It's all about control and keeping women dependent on men and "barefoot and pregnant". What better way is there to prevent someone from becoming an independent person with her own goals, career and motivations than to marry her off to some loser high school has-been who will babytrap her ... and all that literally before her brain has fully developed... which happens until the age of 25.
He takes her right out of her life as a teenager before she even has a chance to experience living alone apart from her family as a responsible adult, start a career, have her own money, meet people of different backgrounds and cultures and different life goals... this girl is trapped before she ever got to experience freedom.
When I tried to tell my mom I was engaged at the ripe mature age of 23, she laughed in my face and said "no you're not. Until you finish your bachelor's degree and have a stable job and you can stand on your own two feet, you are not marrying anyone." I thought my mom was god at the time and cowered in compliance. Boy, was she ever right! I already have the narrative in my head of what I will tell my sons if they try to tell me they are engaged to anyone's daughter before they have their shit together. I am raising both to know better so hopefully we will not have to have such a conversation. I also have a narrative for any woman who thinks it is a good idea to marry either of my sons if they don't have their shit together, and her own shit together.
One thing I disagree with is where you said that marriage in 20s is still normalized. It's actually the opposite, and all data shows that both sexes in more developed countries are putting off marriage and children until mid or late 30s, resulting in low birth rates ( which is fine with me! Low birth rate is not my problem to fix lol!). But yeah, it does sound like a bad situation and they are rushing into it. A marriage should be between two whole people and she's setting herself up for a devastating fall later on bc of centering her whole life around him.
Her parents (your friends) are horrible parents. Who in their right mind would allow their daughter to marry at this age??? I had an arranged marriage when I was 22 and that was over 10 years ago. Wtf is wrong with people. Introduce her to FDS.
Never go into a situation expecting to be the exception. That's what your friends are doing to their daughter, and she's going to pay the price with a miserable life chained to this loser. I admire your ability not to read them the riot act, OP. I couldn't hold my tongue
They think they're helping a poor feller out but you are right they are probably enabling a narcissist. Do either of the teens work? Did he work through high school? Does he make actual effort to be independent or useful? Or is he just bumming? He sounds like a narc and if he is he's got some nerve isolating this girl in her own damn house with her family there. Parents need to grow a backbone.
i’m 21 and i’ve met people younger than me that are getting engaged and i just don’t understand it. to each their own tho. most women care about being under a man. that’s how society is. that’s why i barely have friends tbh.