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HVM won't give you the "butterfly in the stomach" feeling you are so looking forward to. They are "boring" and perhaps you will even hate some of them because they trigger you.
This is one thing that a lot of people struggle with because we live in a society that celebrates toxicity and values narcissism. Contrary to what the media tries to convince us - being charming, suave, "exciting", butterflies in the stomach, hot and cold, screaming match under the storm, hot blooded fights then equally hot blooded make up - all of those are NOT "love". Or what a relationship should look like - they aren't healthy in any way, shape or form.
Healthy minded people with high value qualities often look "boring" if we still have toxic mindset because instead of daily theatrics, high value people value peace, stability and tranquility. They are calm and efficient, they focus on effective solutions after a period of destressing. They have quiet confidence, great self-discipline, non-nonsense attitude, minding their own business if there's nothing that requires their attention, and will not make or accept excuses. They are the calm, reliable leader that will not accept bullsh*t excuses.
Sounds great right? But this type is commonly disliked in real life because as I said earlier, our very society are toxic. Calm and confident people are seen as "being too full of themselves, who do they think they are? They need to be taken down a peg!" - all because they trigger internal shame in toxic people just by existing.
So specifically speaking as women viewing high value men - if we are still dealing with internal toxicity - we won't "see" them as attractive. We will either despise them without knowing why (aka triggered by internal shame) or see them as "boring". It is like, when you enjoy chaos and drama and look forward to fights as the highlight of your day, you will be bored by a person who settles thing quickly and resume a peaceful life, that sort of feeling.
That's why FDS emphasizes so much taking the time to be alone and learning to elevate yourself to become a HVW first before dating - because that's the only way you can finally "see" HVM and actually be in a healthy relationship. You need to learn how to be comfortable with calmness, peacefulness, tranquility, stability, security, efficient lifestyle. You need to learn how to be comfortable with your emotions being stable and quiet all the times, day in day out.
It sounds great and doable when you read it -- but a lot of you will struggle because when you are used to the "exciting" high-and-lows of emotional rollercoaster -- peace is "boring". Peaceful men is "boring". Not verbally fighting and wanting to tear off each other's head on a daily basis is "boring". You start yearning for all that old "excitement" and start seeing all these other, much more "exciting" men (who are in reality, a walking red flag).
You will sabotage your own happiness.
Start by levelling up and healing yourself. Stay safe.
P/S: It is "boring", not boring in the literal sense. Try to understand what the hell you are reading before commenting -- otherwise expect to be deleted. I am not dealing with bullsh*t from here on out.
Completely agreed. I dated a string of LVM in my pre-FDS days and each of them gave me butterflies due to trauma bonding and an emotional abuse rollercoaster. When I started dating the man I’m currently seeing, I struggled to understand if I really had romantic interest in him. He is stable, consistent, trustworthy, and calm - which felt bland in the early stages of dating. Now six months in, it’s one of the qualities I value most about him - he gives me a deep sense of security and peace. If you are used to dating high-conflict LVM, a level-headed and respectful HVM may feel boring or confusing.
I find men look for exciting women too. Some find out how ordinary I am and tell me there is no chemistry. Move on. You truly do not want to find out what their idea of chemistry is. Exciting romantic partners are almost always exciting for the wrong reasons. By exciting they aren't talking about going for a hike and encountering wild animals. They are talking about the exhausting, non-stop, weird drama, sex parties, illicit activity, fights, and activities that can either land one in jail or dead. I have no bandwidth for that. It's bad enough I'm stuck with family members like this.
This applies to coworkers too! If they think you’re boring because you’re not involved in the gossip and drama office, if you think about it….these people don’t have much going on outside of their lives & these type of things is what fills their void.
I remember halsey talking about how her mother explained to her that "Butterflies are bad". This post reminds me of that.
I feel personally attacked. Great post! Back in my Pickme times the sole reason for entering the relationships & engaging with scrotes was to get that dose of roller coaster. Horrendous. Do you have any advice on healing up apart therapy? [Already doing it as well as literally consuming the FDS content in tons.] Would love to hear about your own experience!
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I look back on my previous relationships and what I thought I needed at the time was excitement due to boredom. Now I've learned some of that was a trauma response. I value peace above almost everything now after my last toxic relationship.
So I totally get this and for years, bought into this idea of love=drama, which also prevented me from seeing a lot of red flags. So a solution that I have come up with is to get a dose of drama and thrills in other, healthier ways, like through entertainment or outdoor activities, such as going on a rollercoaster (as opposed to your relationship being a rollercoaster). Save the drama for the theater. A peaceful life cannot be beat.
Great post, thank you!
Thank you for this post. Your essay helps to explain the behaviors of some people I never really understood.
Yep, it's like Bob vs. Hopper in Stranger Things.
Great post!
I think I struggle with this in a way. While I’m easily repelled by hot:cold dynamics which is integral to trauma bonding, I’m also very very accustomed to being love bombed, and I uncertain to what extent it’s shaped my perspective on what early healthy interest looks like. For example, I’ve currently been on three dates within the past three weeks. The first dates I’ve been on in a year. It’s been great to reset my mind and I really enjoyed the break. The first guy has some high value signals, he does not seem to be porn fried, he’s respectful, funny and attentive when we’re together. He seems keen on pleasing me. He’s scheduled activity type wholesome dates. I’ve been on two dates with him. After the first, a few days later he reached out on the app to say what a great time he had and check in. He also scheduled another date. He didn’t ask for my number. I’m not sure if it’s out of respect/restraint or he doesn’t want to signal seriousness or exclusivity. Funny enough, on that particular day the date was scheduled, the app was down for a few hrs but we were able to still communicate in time for the date. I was annoyed by him not asking for my number as we would have simply been able to communicate better. I suggested it when the app was back up. He enthusiastically agreed we should exchange numbers and texted me, but not a good sign. During the second date we kissed. There’s great chemistry, he doesn’t seem immature, sex hungry and gross. He comes across as picky with his body and time which I like. He was once again respectful and hot lol. He apologized for not asking for my number earlier but it still gives me pause. I don’t want to chase. He checked in during the week to say how great our date was and he was really happy we went out etc. I sent him some songs I’d promised to during our date after this he’s not initiated contact. I presume an interested man would check in more often and initiate conversation to get to a deeper level? Second guy is okay. Raised in a very Christian fundamentalist environment but has long lost his faith. We had sushi and great conversation, mostly funny and also intellectually leaning. He tried to signal ownership to other men I think by putting his arm around my waist which I was not comfortable with. (My attraction to males builds very slowly which I think is why the pace from first guy appeals to me.) He commented on how beautiful I am multiple times which I guess isn’t a bad thing but he just gave a very sexual vibe. I’m not as attracted to second guy but I’m wondering if I’m also dissatisfied with the first guy bc he’s not as enthusiastic and whirlwind as I’m used to. I’m fine with blocking and deleting both, but I want to be sure it’s for healthy reasons.