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Hi, ladies. I wanted to ask your advice on something I've been struggling with for a while.
I used to be super insecure and depressed as a teenager. I skipped a couple grades and went to university early, so I was behind everyone else in terms of maturation, not to mention being black at a PWI. I used to have bad facial skin exacerbated by compulsive picking, and I also have atopic dermatitis (since infancy) which usually flares at least once a year. My skin condition especially affects my confidence and is very embarrassing as well as causes a lot of discomfort. I experienced shunning due to it in my teenage years once as I accidentally got it infected. Now that I'm in my early twenties, I've recovered from my depression and for the first time in a long time I'm able to think really rationally and clearly as my mental health is finally okay now (I think my brain maturing has really helped as well).
There's one thing I'm still struggling with and it's really silly and not very HV of me -- fear of romantic rejection/desire for male validation. When I was younger, I tried to deal with this by repressing my romantic/sexual feelings to the extent that I misidentified as asexual at one point. I later realised that this was because I felt so undesirable. I'm a romantic at heart and really dream of having a beautiful true love relationship (I know this is societal conditioning, I'm trying to address this, now especially that I'm learning more about radical feminism). However, trying to push this 'longing for closeness' feeling away as I did before is kind of triggering me and making me think some dark thoughts like I used to. I don't want to ever go back to that place again.
I keep getting these intrusive thoughts of 'you're ugly, you're undesirable, no one will ever want you, no one wants a woman with a skin condition' etc. I think some of this stems from being rejected by two guys I was crushing on in the past (this is before I found out about FDS, I know now this is pickme behavior and harmful, I was younger and stupider) as well as never having been pursued/desired like most other women are. They were both very kind and respectful in rejecting my feelings and didn't lead me on or anything but this has really hurt my self-confidence as I've been bullied in the past and have no romantic experience at all either (never been kissed, been on a date, had a relationship, etc). So, sayings like 'd*ck is in abundance and of low value' or advice to let guys come to you, and stop chasing (even though I know it is good advice!) is not very comforting to me as guys have never been in abundance and I have never felt desired.
I would really like to be able to address this as I'm trying to level up in other aspects of my life.
TL:DR -- How can I reduce wanting to be desired/loved/receive male validation/feel pretty without inducing negative self-talk? How can I admit to myself I may very well be alone forever without triggering myself? Is it possible to do this in a way that is fair and kind to myself?
Hmm, I think it stems from what you said. How you admit you can't accept that you may very well be alone forever without triggering yourself.
You are not happy alone. You are not happy with yourself. Except even if you find a man, you're still alone. You're still all you got. Men don't complete you.
Your idea of romance is the same toxic ideal we've been fed all our lives, the fairy-tale of the saviour prince come to sweep us off our feet and deliver us to a better life. No. You are that prince and you need to save yourself.
I don't think you should be focused on dating until you are content, in your body, in yourself, in your life. Are you happy with your career, are you pursuing your goals? Is your life full of HV people and friends? These must be addressed first so that when you do date, you won't settle because you don't love yourself. You'll know your worth and you will not accept a man who drags you down, but who lifts you up.
Because right now, with the way you talk, you seem like you'd fall all over yourself if a man pursued you and you'd overlook a lot of red flags just because he was giving you attention. That is how we fall into their LV trap.
Be happy in yourself and your life first. Love yourself, pamper yourself, work on yourself. Experience self love, in the truest sense of the word. That love will make rejection a non-issue. That love will grow and propel you to a bright and fulfilling life.
I've struggled with loneliness, rejection, and self-hatred my entire life. No man has ever pursued me. I am in my early 30s and have never had a boyfriend or been on a date. When it's something you've never known, you crave it even more. I often wonder what it's like to be beautiful and attractive, to experience reciprocation of my romantic feelings, to have a man look in my eyes and desire me. But this craving and this starvation make me vulnerable. I have physical things that also make me insecure to the point where I don't want to be around others. I've never been seen as desirable or attractive.
What I've learned the past few years is that you MUST detach your worth from men and from other people. We are on this earth for a very short period of time, and we cannot spend our one wild and precious life (in the words of Mary Oliver) hating ourselves. But it takes work.
Promise yourself today that you will begin a self-love journey, that you will work to love yourself as fiercely as you can, and you will not spend one more day putting yourself down or speaking harshly to yourself or believing the intrusive thoughts about your worth and attractiveness (I recommend the book Overcoming Unwanted and Intrusive Thoughts by Sally Winston btw). You are not those thoughts, and there is nothing inherently true about them. You are beautiful and worthy because you are a human being. Your life is sacred.
Some things that have helped me on my own journey and that I hope can be of use to you. I shared many of them in my post about limerence, but I'll put a few here.
Surround yourself with people who only uplift you and tell you words of affirmation and support. Do not tolerate anyone who disparages you. Create firm boundaries around this.
Read, at the very least, All About Love by bell hooks. It is a beautiful and life-changing book. I also recommend her book, Communion.
Write and speak affirmations every day. Say them to yourself throughout the day. Speak them to yourself as you look in the mirror. I love the app Believe.
Every single day, write down one thing you love about yourself.
Start seeing love as an action, not just a word or feeling. You may not wake up feeling lots of love for yourself, but what loving actions can you do for yourself? How can you nourish your body, mind, heart, spirit, and soul?
Remind yourself that your life has meaning outside of male validation. It might seem like the women around you are blissfully happy in their relationships, but you don't know that for sure. I tell myself that I was able to construct my own identity and didn't spend a lot of my life obsessed with men or chasing after the temporary high of their attention. So many women don't even know themselves or what they want because they have lived their lives in service to men. They've conformed to what men want them to be. Because men did not pursue me or give me the time of day, I was allowed to just live my life. I live my life for me, not for men. Who would I be right now if I'd been wrapped up in what men wanted me to be? Would I have had time to really know myself and who I am? I know the pain of not being wanted. I'm not asking you to put a positive spin on rejection and loneliness. But it might be worth asking just how valuable male validation would have been in your life and if, in fact, it could have been a hindrance or a derailment. Your experiences have made you the unique and special person you are. You don't need a man to want you or approve of you in order to have value.
Connecting to spirituality has been essential on my journey. I have connected to goddess spirituality and the divine feminine. If it's something you are open to, explore it. The spiritual can also be found in nature or the feeling of love you have for life and for other people.
Know that love exists inside you and all around you and is not tied to men or to romantic relationships. Connect to that deep love. Give love to your close friends, your pets, to strangers, to yourself. Your life might lack male validation, but it does not lack love. You can fill your life with an abundance of love in all its many forms. Many men are not even capable of love. The romantic fantasies we are fed by pop culture are not real. No man will complete us or save us.
We live in a world that so often reduces women to what they look like. When we don't fit that image or live up to those standards, it can be very painful and lonely. I hated myself for so long, but the day came when I made the decision to love myself no matter what. I hope you can get to that place, too, and feel good about yourself. You deserve it.
I used to have your same skin condition as a child/teenager and I want you to know I understand all of it. I also relate when you say that repressing the longing for connection induces depression, because, well, it does (I experience the same). This is quite different though from fearing rejection from men for your condition.
This is something you're gonna have to work on for 2 reasons:
1) You need to un-link your self worth from male validation and un-link male validation from the aforementioned "connection" (one doesn't necessarily lead to another as male validation is often superficial, conditional and shouldn't define your self worth).
2) Men are absolutely cruel with women who have any type of health condition. I have been endlessly victimized because of this, so it's your job to become immune to men's attempts to pull this on you.
Obviously if you date from a place of feeling like you have to "compensate" for your skin problem (or any other problem) you automatically position yourself as an "easy victim". This will attract and keep the WRONG men.
Surround yourself with supportive women and friends, and grow the feeling of how lovable you are regardless of whatever issue you have.
You can also think of said issue as a "gatekeeper", a test that will reveal which men are to be avoided like plague.
But if you don't overcome this complex, it will be way to easy for you to be love bombed and swept off your feet by the first dude who smells your shame, declare to love you for who you are and then uses your shame against you.
If you take care of your shame, this won't happen. You'll be happy at the kind of men you're repelling and your confidence will attract the right ones.
Fellow (very) late bloomer with childhood acne checking in.
Self-love has alluded me most of my life, so I totally get where you're coming from. What has helped me in recent years is feeding my own love languages. They say your love language is whatever you didn't receive growing up, and I learned mine are gifts and acts of service. That's been the key to nurturing myself and fostering self-love. Acts of service for me might be cleaning up my home because I deserve to live in a clean space. Or doing a home spa evening — because I'm worth it. A small treat from the grocery store. You get the picture.
I found that once I began to feed myself, I wasn't so hungry for the validation of outsiders. This changed my internal energy and vibe, which ironically, attracts people.
You can't love what you don't understand, so get to know yourself. Take your time and really see what feeds your love languages.
So two things-- and you're not gonna like the second one 1) Ceramedx is fantastic for my skin and it's the only thing I can tolerate when my eczema flairs up (CeraVe burns, aveeno doesn't help it heal, and gold bond is better but not as good) I also have a friend w chronic eczema and she and her bf have been very happy for a long time. She quit her toxic job and moved to a different city and her skin got loads better from her living her best life. So leveling up and working on your dreams will help your skin (in addition to a dermatologist, they help a lot) 2) you're being really young and dumb with how you're approaching dating rn. Yes, rejection is scary- but it doesn't kill you, and it's part of dating. The idea that you can magically get it right the first time if you're careful and if you hold yourself back is a trap that will set you up to cling to a LVM bc you can't admit to yourself you got it wrong. I say you gotta just practice dating, practice rejecting and being rejected- and don't go out of your way to be mean or nice about it, just get it done. Practice makes it easier to act once your feelings get involved Rejection doesn't hurt anything except your pride- and the sooner you learn how resilient your pride is, the better.
TLDR; get over your fear and wanting to be desired by seeking out rejection and learning that life is big and it goes ON
This is long, but I feel for you on the skin thing. I suffer from telogen effluvium combined with androgenic alopecia - that's right, hair loss. It started as a teen and slowed for a while, but about when I hit 30 it ramped up suddenly. My hair is quite thin right now and every shedding period I've had has been fucking traumatizing. I have anxiety and depression issues as it is, and this added to it considerably. I started seeing a new therapist last summer and in September one day, after looking at my hair that I'd been hiding under expensive wigs, I decided to take a trip to Target. I bought an electric shaver and buzzed that motherfucker right off. I buzzed my hair completely off and took a picture of the pile of strands and locks on my bathroom floor, and texted my therapist. I had told her that day I was going to do it and she was encouraging. My reason was I wanted to take back some fucking CONTROL as a woman, a 34 year-old woman, with hair loss. And I did. I had cried so many tears and had so many panic attacks, suffered so much fucking shame for 20 years over it. And one day I got to a place where I had ENOUGH.
And you know what? The confidence I gained from shaving it was UNREAL. I had been somewhat anxious and apprehensive to do it, as many people are when they get a new haircut that they've never had before. My hair hadn't been this short since I was a literal infant. In fact, in utero - because I was born with a full head of inch and a half-long thick, luxurious dark brown hair, and yet this all happened to me. The irony.
What I'm trying to tell you is, acceptance is something that can be reached and built slowly, but at some point you may just take a step that actually builds self-acceptance and confidence from taking the plunge into deeper waters, so to speak.
My former boyfriend never made me feel desired. But I don't need him, or anyone. I put on makeup and look at my thin but very, very short hair in the mirror and say fuck 'em. I took a gun shooting class. Never thought I would. I started taking swimming classes - first one was today. I never learned because of a childhood phobia. Today I actually FLOATED. Once you jump on a confidence treadmill, you'll keep going and feel unstoppable, and challenges to that are easier to handle than they were before. I was not a confident girl, teen, or young adult. I believe in myself now. I am assertive at work and with family members. I am not afraid of not finding "the one". I got a guitar and started teaching myself to play. I stocked up on books I wanted to read, and cut out Netflix and other things unworthy of my time. I started running for exercise - never thought I would do that, either.
I'm open to dating, of course. I'm open to meeting a HV man. But confidence and self-acceptance means I'm okay if it never happens. As my therapist says, when you have those things IN you, it will radiate outward, and people will want to near you and even flock to you. Confident, secure people are attractive! Start with building it for YOURSELF first, not for men. When you build a self worth defending, worth nurturing, you won't be so drawn to validation of that self from other people.
i'll tell you about my conclusions regarding men and romance. but i'm not sure it will be that helpful...
men are simply not worth it. even if you had no skin conditions, even if you were the most gorgeous self confident woman alive... a man has the potential to destroy that. i refuse to ever be vulnerable around a man ever again because everytime they used it against me to get what they wanted. they are vile creatures motivated by power. our desire for their love is a weakness. but we can turn it into an eye-opening realization.
i stopped caring about male validation after i understood that a man is simply incapable of loving and admiring a woman. when they "fall in love" it's because of looks and sex appeal and because they project onto the woman what they want, instead of seeing her as a compatible partner. they don't see us as partners, but rather as comodities, accessories.
when a man "loves" a woman, he actually loves what he thinks she can provide to him. and after a while that "love" fades and he resents her.
why would i want that kind of "love"? and even if i find a good guy, i know there will be all the trouble to find the one only to be disappointed because he either manipulatd me into thinking he was good, or the love we had for each other simply died. that can happen too.
i've learned to enjoy my solitude and that has kept me lucid in my judgement, which helps a lot to spot male bs. so my advice is: focus on learning how to be happy alone. i'm not saying being lonely should be a goal. although it can be if you wish... i'm saying loneliness and abandonement are inevitable. you'll deal with them troughout your ife. so you'd rather learn to be okay with being alone or you'll suffer too much.
our time in this planet is limited, so don't waste it focusing on finding love with another person. focus on experiecing all the other things in life. there's more to life than romance. you should savor every positive aspect of your existence.
here's the facts: most women, even beautiful women, struggle with these thoughts. Because we live in a society that bombards us from infancy with messages that equate a woman's worth with her appearance or value to men. btw the messaging doesn't go the other way as much. And yes, we have ALL been rejected by guys at some stage (and yes, it fucks with our self esteem).
It's ok to have romantic thoughts. It's ok to be a romantic at heart. You sound really sweet.
I'd actually suggest going on some dates. Think of them as practice dates. Don't attach anything to the outcome. Just go on some dates. The unknown can get blown out of proportion when you haven't experienced it. A date is just like...a friendly chat with dinner. There are actual matchmaking agencies (Dunn and Farrah pops to mind) where you pay a fee and the agency matches you up with some dates. This takes all the pressure off the online scenario (did he swipe right or not?) and feels less like a meat market. So you can pay a fee, go on some civilised dates (and feel free to reject the guys, if they don't meet your standards) and have that experience. But know, you are above all a woman. All women are desirable.
This became a book, I'm so sorry, there's a lot I want to let out as a way to comfort you right now. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, believe me! I understand that racism is an incredibly huge stressor for women everywhere and it really is sometimes hard to hear some advice because it might not apply to your personal experiences. I do agree that women with 'white' features definitely tend to fare the best when it comes to dating, especially in the west. They're way more likely to get approached and have rosters than women of color, and I do not hold resentment against them for that, that's just the reality of things. As a Hispanic woman, I know this feeling all too well-of course, never to the level of what black women go through.
I am not sure what you look like exactly, but please don't be so harsh with yourself. Through a white supremacist and misogynistic lens, it is almost too easy to be incredibly tough on your looks when you don't look like the women that "the majority" desires. I am aware also of the harsh misogyny that black men hurl against black women, touting stupid shit like dating a white woman or an Asian woman is so much better than being with a brown/black woman. But after people beating up on you psychologically over this, it is not going to help or fix the problem if you keep beating up yourself long after those bullies walked away from you years ago.
You're just letting them win and they don't even know it.
Take a few steps back from dating right now. Focus on what's happening inside of you. Your skin looks like that probably for a variety of different reasons. It might do you well to visit some doctors to see what the underlying root cause of it. I don't want you to spend so much money on luxury skin care items and it ends up not doing anything for your face at all. You have to find out if maybe there's a medical condition that you have not picked up on. It's crazy but sometimes small things like dandruff can be caused by someone having a hidden disorder that must be healed first before the dandruff can fade away. Opt for a more healthy and plentiful diet filled with colorful fruits and vegetables, stay away from alcohol and coffee as they tend to exacerbate health problems, and look into a water softener for your showerheads.
And of course, the health from a physical standpoint is very important, but so is internal health. Counseling, immersing yourself into loving relationships with friends and family, journaling, reading uplifting books, crying and sharing your feelings with a trusted companion, and forgiving yourself for the ways you've behaved before when you did not knew any better. The way to a higher self-esteem is by doing things you can be proud of: Take up challenges and beat them. Do little things every day that will help create healthy habits. Set up a goal for your career or education and work at it so that you can feel immensely proud when you inevitably reach them. Realize that there is way more to you and more to life than just your appearance.
Good luck, hon.
I don't have any advice as I've always been in a somewhat similar situation. Half black half white and neither group wanted me, I live in a 95% white town, and I'm still trying to figure out if I'm actually asexual or just have low self-confidence. I'm holding out to see if there's just someone sweet out there for me . May be wishful thinking, but since I don't care too much about appearances, I hope I can find someone else who's similar in that regard. Harder since I'm a tomboy and men only want feminine women lmao
I hope this validates that your feelings/sadness about this are valid. I write to encourage you to live in the world "as it is" vs as "how I wish it were". Of course you are lovely and deserving of love! But it's cruel (and dishonest) to tell you that your stellar personality is going to be helpful when you are dealing with racism/misogyny,
As a biracial (black and white) that went to PWI my whole life and was an "ugly duckling" here is my perspective:
A. Racism and the trauma of dealing with white beauty standards is traumatizing. People will try to convince you otherwise but I would ignore those people.
Listen to Deborah Cooper on YouTube. Moving forward if you want romantic love and to be pursued you need to find a way to be around men who think you are beautiful. If you are a Black woman than this might be places in Europe, Africa or XYZ. But USA and Latin America are two of the worst places for Black women to date ime.
B. You CAN improve your skin and physical appearance. But it takes money. Focus on the bag and your education and you can both move somewhere else and improve your skin. I am 40 and had severe cystic acne with rolling acne scars but now I get daily compliments because I've done a bunch of stuff. Also, if you get to a place where your are super happy with the rest of your body, you might have more confidence with men.
C. It is normal and legit that you crave love and want to be desirable. It is easy for me to say "dick is abundant and low value" because I am conventionally beautiful. So your. choices are to get more "conventionally beautiful" and then discover that men are still trash or you don't change and just wonder/yearn for male approval or you embrace FDS and work on accepting that most men are trash regardless of your appearance. The answer is somewhere in there for you.