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Granted, in all social relationship there is an aspect of people treating you how you treat yourself(for example, the psychology of if something is priced higher, people think its worth more. Carrying yourself like youre it makes people think you ARE it vs carrying yourself in a trashy way which will make people respect you less etc etc) so there is definitely some truth of setting an example of how you should be treated. And of course rather than ACTING like youre it, you should genuinely put in the inner work to believe it yourself so its no longer an act. But i'm just starting to wonder where we draw the line before it becomes actively going out of our way to ensure we dont get disrespected, which seems very fear-based and downright exhausting. For example, I dont really enjoy fancy dinner dates. I find them awkward and sterile. But I feel like I have to accept all these traditional "high maintenance" dates to show a man i'm a HVW when really i'd prefer something more fun and casual. But thats not high value? I could also add on that not telling a man what youre looking for or talking about exes could be seen as fear-based because the reasons why all pretty much start with "because he might...". Once we go down that route it just becomes exhausting and insincere.
FDS to me is about having your own life that is purely yours and being your own first and foremost, not letting just anyone into your own life too quickly, not begging/chasing/acting desperate in any way, matching effort, not letting the bar be in hell and staying grounded when dating. I think that summarises the majority of it. But I just start to feel iffy at the aspects of it that feel like it strays too much into "training" a man by censoring ourselves or not being ourselves because we're worried about this that or the other. If a man has to be trained, he's probably shit anyway.
I guess what it comes down to is how much should you just be yourself(which obviously should naturally be in alignment with FDS anyway if youve done the inner work and have that self-respect), please yourself and let people play themselves out, and how much should you actively go out of your way to deter certain behaviour and outcomes? Where do you draw the line?
I think the strict rules are good for people getting their footing in FDS, but as one "progresses" you should start thinking about the reasoning behind the rules, filter it through what you actually want, and then apply that reasoning in vetting.
I also don't like fancy restaurants too much. My partner took me to some when we were early in dating, both because he thought that was "the gentlemanly thing to do" and because he likes fancy steak. Once I made my actual preferences clear, we ate based on my preferences (most of the time, he still likes his steak now and then).
But he also felt bad about not spending money on me so he just looked for other ways to do it. I don't like "stuff" all that much, so it's either been in experiences or (later) fixed assets/upgrades to said fixed assets.
Point being if a guy wants to be a HVM and make your life better and all, he'll find a way and also care about your genuine preferences.
And yeah, once I trusted him I told him in broad strokes about past relationships. I'm not gonna live a lie and say all my exes were great when me and all my family and close friends know that isn't true. That sounds exhausting.
If he started treating me differently when I told him those things, then great, I know.
After a certain level of female solidarity, the culture will change, and men won't dare think about fucking a teen or asking the "love of their life" for anal or a bj.
To me fds is about protecting yourself as a woman which yeah is draining and exhausting. That's how it is existing in this world as a woman.
the problem is men. they can kill us. we are in greater danger when we are in a relationship with a man. so yeah, i'm going to think "he might..." and it's going to be stressful. to me, it's not "he might say something mean", it's "he might rape me, he might kill me, he might baby-trap me, he might be violent, etc." so there's no way i'll take risks again for men. that's why i'd rather die alone. at least i won't be murdeed by a man i once loved and trusted.
about the rules, i understand why they exist and how they might protect us from LVM, but i too feel like it's too constricting. i don't really blame FDS. again, it's men's fault because they turn everything into exploitation that harms us. i like coffee, but i can't go to coffee dates because LVM use it to waste my time while they go out with as many women they can. and i hate promiscuity, so i don't want to be with a man like that. therefore, i should avoid coffee dates. i like sexting, but it's dangerous cause men share nudes among them and we get exposed without our consent. men are the ones ruining everything.
in the end, our strategies to remains safe whle dating just make everything exhausting. i've given up completely. if a HVM ever crosses my way, i'll refuse because i'm too tired to vet for life and make sure he's actually HV...
I don't think FDS is about training men at all. On this forum, I yell at anybody who hints that training a man is a good idea.
I think FDS is about detecting bad traits in men and removing ourselves from their presence as quickly as possible. Ghosting bad men is the goal; only by ridding ourselves of bad men can we create room in our lives for good men.
"Bad" doesn't necessarily mean "toxic" or "evil"; it can also refer to a good man whose tastes are not compatible with yours.
Yeah unfortunately men are dangerous and we have to use strategies when dating men. You wouldn't need strategies at all if you're into women.
The goal is never to train a man. It's to show him your boundaries and standards, if he doesn't meet them, then he doesn't get the job. No on the job training for him - he can hire a therapist or seek council from clergy. 🤣 If you don't like fancy restaurants, fine, there are plenty of down home restaurants with great food, people and atmosphere. But what if he took you to the McDonalds drive thru? I'm sure that's a hard no. You can convey your standards, and it's not necessarily "fancy." The ability for any human being in modern society to pick and rsvp to a nice Restaurant, and buy gifts on birthdays, bare minimum qualities. Our girl friends do these things for us, right?! Any decent man surely can. The real HV qualities also come in the choices he makes prioritizing you, healthy communication, setting boundaries with other women and being productive in his own life. If he hasn't been trained on this basic stuff, then we ain't got time for that.
The man has to be trainable.