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Single until engaged, or commitment no later than 3 months in?

I might be confusing forum posts with the handbook, but I believe I’ve seen these two options promoted on FDS. What are the pros and cons of each of these two options. Keep a scrotation until one of them proposes, or expect them to ask for an exclusive relationship by the 3 month mark?

I’d be particularly interested in opinions from FDSers in Europe.

20 answers0 replies

Comments (20)

Abby

Sep 01, 2022

I think what FDS means by single until engaged is not that you should be dating other people once exclusive (that would be cheating, and a LV behavior), but that you should realize that as long as there's no ring on your finger, that man has not "fully" committed to the relationship. Women need to be aware that men will string you along for years with no intention of marrying or building a life together. They just have a much harder time being along than we do, and are not willing to give up free access to sex and relationship benefits. Doesn't mean they want to spend their life with you; a man who realizes you are his dream girl will be scared of losing you and will want to hasten the commitment so he doesn't. Being "single" until engaged just means to keep your eyes open, watch his behaviors, and know you have options if you find yourself being put into the role of forever girlfriend

GenericUserName

Sep 01, 2022

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Replying to

Thanks, that clears it up really well for me.

myheartisfulloflove

Sep 02, 2022

I'm glad you opened up this thread, OP. I swear, it is becoming EMBARRASSING in being called a man's girlfriend in this day and age. The way scrotes be wasting their girlfriends' time and youth with their tomfoolery, the way they cheat on their girlfriends happily and without shame, disrespecting her in public, having zero plans in proposing to her now or ever, etc. Being called a girlfriend now in 2022 is like announcing you let the man put you on a leash for no good reason.

Now this isn't so say that any woman who is currently a girlfriend now is an embarrassing woman or a bad woman. It isn't to say that there's something wrong with you if you yourself as a woman don't mind being a girlfriend, or that you don't want to get married ever for personal reasons. It's just that time and time and time again I watch and hear how men talk about their girlfriends these days and it's just horrifying. I've been a girlfriend before, so I know what it's like to be seen as nothing but a joke to him and the people around us.

Of course, many wives out there also get crap from the man, but I feel like society is more sympathetic to her because, since she has the ring and the paper, she is seen as more 'legitimate', and so if the husband messes up, it's more likely that society will at the very least hear from her side more seriously than if she was just the girlfriend.

I don't know. I'm really so afraid of being a girlfriend again. I'd rather be courted and if he's really that serious, to propose 6-12 months in. It's just a waste of my time, otherwise. I might be wrong, idk, but that's just how I personally feel about this topic.

PlainSimpleTailor

Sep 02, 2022

Replying to

Your observations are very interesting and I would agree that there's probably many men who learned that if they just commit superficially (e.g. by using the titles girlfriend and boyfriend), their female partners will be content for quite a while before pushing for more, if at all. Women definitely need to demand more and not settle for meaningless titles instead of actual commitment. That being said, where I'm from (European country), the title of girlfriend/boyfriend still means something, and if you're in an official relationship, it's assumed to be serious by the outside world. Of course, still lots of "would never marry her" situations, but I personally never felt like relationships without marriage were looked down upon. The term "life partners" is commonly used for people who are very committed ut not married. I still understand why women push for marriage and it's definitely a very solid, if not the best strategy to make it harder for the man to waste your time. I just noticed some cultural differences here.

artemis-arrow

Sep 04, 2022

Replying to

Why is marriage less common there?

PlainSimpleTailor

Sep 04, 2022

Replying to

Marriage is starting to be considered old-fashioned, the tax benefits aren't worth it in every case, and more people choose not to have kids because they want to invest more time into careers, hobbys, travel, etc. Some of it is certainly liberal conditioning (you don't need a ring and paper to be happy, etc.), but I'd say most of it is due to the fact that women are more independent than ever. We don't need men for economic stability. The government provides for people who can't make a living on their own.

PlainSimpleTailor

Sep 01, 2022

"Single until married" is only to be taken literally if you do want to get married, which, as it seems to me, isn't the end goal of many relationships anymore. However, I understand that to other people, a relationship isn't truly committed until there's legal protections in place. Whatever the marker of "ultimate commitment" is to you, it's beneficial to only think of yourself as "off the market" until that step happens. I don't want to get married myself, but I still use the idea of "would I marry this person" (and would they marry me) as a surrogate for thinking about long term compatibility and strength of

commitment. Until I'm sure I've found my life partner, I will be open to other opportunities.

PlainSimpleTailor

Sep 04, 2022

Replying to

Stable partnerships that are committed but can also be broken off without too much hassle. I think it's a bad incentive to stay together because it's too hard to leave, that mindset has made it hard for women to escape relationships that have turned sour. There's still good reasons to get married, but the "it's not a real relationship otherwise" argument doesn't really hold up in my opinion. Most relationships end sooner or later, that doesn't always mean they weren't serious. I don't measure a relationship's worth by length of time or amount of legal shackles that were put into place, there's more to it than that.

PlainSimpleTailor

Sep 04, 2022

Replying to

That being said, there's still women out there who say that for them, it's either for life or they don't want it, and that's a legitimate preference. It's just not how I feel.

Unknown member

Mar 19, 2023

Replying to

Marriage is not permanent. Men cheat on and leave their wives all the time, have you seen divorce rates?

BothEyesOpen

Sep 01, 2022

Single until married! I missed out on a more ideal partner (pursued me even through "losing out" to someone else) by giving exclusivity in dating to someone (pretending to be equally great who was an abusive predator) without being engaged. I don't give exclusivity in dating anymore. I don't date anymore, period. #pickmenomore Lesson learned. You want exclusivity? Propose. This time around, I court. I'm fine with being engaged to more than one man. During that time we review financials (with lawyers, accountants, financial planners, however deep I'd like) and negotiate a prenuptial and what married life before and after kids looks like. Discrepancies and differing opinions on big issues like: Whose parents will live with who for elder care? Do we abort if a child is found to have a genetic issue? Do you consent to "X" religious practice? will decide if we shift into planning a wedding (phase 2 of engagement). If not, I give the ring back. This process happens with all guys I'm engaged to in parallel, while STILL courting my rotation. If no one meets the mark, nothing changes for me, really. If one does meet the mark, rings go back to the others who proposed (I ruled them out at some point so there is no going back) and my other suitors are notified I'm off the market--IF--I wed on "x" date. I'll pause in courting while actively planning the wedding, until I officially marry. Short engagements, only, for me--phase one and two is six months or so combined. If I call it off, I continue with the suitors I paused with. If I do officially marry, all other men are dead to me romantically and my courting is a wrap. This is similar to what I did before. My mistakes were being exclusive without a ring (being a "nice" girl), having low-self esteem (which I didn't realize at the time despite my career success), and not having enough elders involved (new cultural/Faith preference from things I've learned and networks of good people I've built since then who are on my team). Not from Europe, but I hope some of the above is useful.

Jaeswoon

Sep 01, 2022

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Replying to

I'm impressed she found multiple men to get engaged to!

BothEyesOpen

Sep 01, 2022

Replying to

That's fine. Be well. For others, kindly note that I said, "second time around." I've called off one wedding, and said no to two men before marrying another. Divorced a long con. I didn't vet with lawyers/accountants, just through his family and friend's and the success of their businesses. I was being too nice from a lack of confidence, and not asking others push on my behalf. I am no longer nice. Kind, yes. Nice, no. I would like to re-marry. I'm doing the same thing as before, just with self-esteem (and lawyers, elders, friends, and family I've invested in sense then.) Lacking that ruins everything. The best lesson I've learned from FDS is secure your sense of self before everything else. External success or matching your culture's standard of "a good girl, " however perfectly isn't enough. I healed the wound. Kept the lesson.

BothEyesOpen

Sep 01, 2022

Replying to

It helps tremendously if you have a culture (ethnic, religious, class, hobby-based--whatever--kind) that orients hard toward marriage. If you're serious and build a network around you that is serious about helping you continue said culture, they don't play around with helping you settle down. I should've leaned into it more the first time around, but my low self-esteem presented as: "Don't be a burden. You're not worth troubling them. They can't really care. If you ask, they'll see you're not worth the time. Just be nice and find someone nice like you. Nice. Nice. Nice." Ugh. That mindset set me up for LVM. Never again. And if...if...I never re-marry...well...I actually like my own company now. It wouldn't be awful. Time will tell.

Unknown member

Sep 01, 2022

This sounds a lot like putting the cart before the horse. Do you currently have men in rotation?

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GenericUserName

Sep 01, 2022

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Replying to

Yes.

Single until engaged, or commitment no later than 3 months in?

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