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I just read a post here that you should never share sexual trauma with men as they can't empathize with women. But should you ever share non sexual male inflicted trauma with another man?
I had an abusive alcoholic father who left me deeply traumatized. I had to do a lot of work to first acknowledge the effect it had on me, then overcome this to become a healthy functioning adult.
I almost never talk about this. My closest female friends who I know since 1st grade did not know until recently. They have been very kind and supportive.
However, I noticed that every man I have ever opened up to was extremely unempathetic. I was never looking for pity. I just wanted to be open about my family history and believed this would strengthen our emotional connection.
These men were emotionally invested in me and claimed to love me, but their response was either cold 'I'm sorry this happened to you' or straight up 'you need to get over it and move on'. I felt confused and hurt as to why would they react so apathetically? I thought it's my problem for expecting something sincere, comforting and reassuring. My ex husband turned it against me. Anytime I had a problem with his actions (like smashing doors, throwing things, calling me stupid idiot when he's angry) he would say 'your dad hurt you, so now you think all men are bad and you are taking it out on me, you have psychological issues', even though it had zero relation to what was going on. After this I am confused can men ever empathize with women over male inflicted trauma, even if it's non sexual? Moreover, should I tell about my family history to men I am dating? Obviously I am not in contact with my father and men will ask why. I do not want to hide or lie about anything, but given how apathetic they are, I don't feel comfortable to open up about something that makes me so vulnerable.
I'm struggling to think of a scenario it would make sense to tell a man this. Maybe if he was going to meet your family and you warned him 'my dad likes to drink' WHY are you looking to a man who hasn't thoroughly proved himself to you and is trying to become part of your family. A man that isn't actively taking steps to become part of your family, doesn't get to know your family business. Personally, I don't share my family trauma with anyone who isn't my immediate family- because that is no longer my family dynamic (I don't tolerate it), and I don't want to bring that dynamic up in any of my current relationships.
Don’t tell because you’ve already seen most lack empathy and will use the info on you and/or against you and try to traumatize you further. If a man proves he’s HV and you want to tell, I’d say make sure it’s a few years into the relationship and you know he’s empathetic, kind, not vengeful, and overall a humanitarian and feminist ally.
It won't. Men are not socialized like women. They think in hierarchies and see sharing vulnerability as weakness. Just because you're are in a relationship with a man does not mean that he's deserving of or entitled to your deepest trauma.
Definitely not before committment is established. After that I don't know. There's a healthy middle ground between trauma dumping and bringing your secrets to your grave. I personally don't care to be in a relationship where I can't be open and authentic. Maybe I'd rather take my chances and run the FIRST time he weaponizes my weaknesses. But I also understand who doesn't want to take that chance. My problem with that is: would I want to be with a man who is not weaponizing my trauma ONLY because I'm keeping it from him? I kinda need to know who would do that to me or not (see "blood in the water" test). Anyway, keep in mind that MOST men weaponize trauma and/or don't give a shit, so don't do it without extensive vetting anyway.
Personally, I'd say don't ever tell. Not even if you think he's a HVM. It's not his business, even if you get married.
Hell no, I don't trauma dump on men. If I want to talk about my family trauma I call my mom or my therapist. Even in the remote case that a man can actually empathize with you, I still don't see where's the benefit for you. I understand we women feel closer when sharing our bad and intimate experiences, so sometimes we think the other person would feel the closeness too, but that's rarely the case. You can always hint it, "my dad hits the bottle now and then" but don't go into details. t's none of his business, unless you're married to him.
No you shouldn't. That's what a therapist is for.
Don't give a man another reason to hurt you.
I have a narc father and even though I am not in a relationship I have thought about this a lot. I have decided (for now) I will only tell him things that are necessary and I will not make a big deal out of it. My difficult relationship was a learning opportunity for me so I dont fall into the same traps, he doesnt need to hear all of it.
I would limit it to interactions he has with him to also prepare him for his manipulation but I wouldnt go into the details of the hurtful things my dad did to me. Like you said, some people just love to use things that happened to you against you and I just dont have enough trust that my man wont. Trust is earned and even then some things dont need to be discussed.
Bascially, only open up if there is a point to it or if you need help. And very importantly, do not show how much it impacts you, always act like you are over it even if you arent. Honestly, this mentality helps me move on anyways.
For some strategy, I have read about the “blood in the water” test, where you make up some small point of insecurity (not full-on trauma) and mention it to a man to see if he responds coldly, teases you, or weaponizes it. I think there is no benefit to mentioning it until you deeply trust your partner. And even then, don’t trauma-dump, but if you want to share, keeping it surface-level of your father was an alcoholic who treated you poorly. No man needs to be privy to the details of your abuse, ever. I’m proud of you for doing the work to manage this pain and live a healthy life!
No I think even if you're in a long term committed relationship I would not go into detail about that kind of trauma. Men just aren't socialized the same way as women, really the only point of sharing that info is if like.. You have an abusive family member and you give him a heads up of "Hey my father is always trying to upset me, can you keep an eye on that?" And he can be utilized as protector mode. "I don't trust my uncle with the kids, when we are at family gatherings can you watch out for him trying to get them alone?" "Oh why what did he do?" "The whole family knows he's the touchy feely type."
They don't get deeper emotional bonds with you for trauma dumping and going into big details, and I feel like the "soft bois" will totally get your guard down and act understanding just to turn it on you later. Save it for your girlfriends and female family members because women 100% feel closer to each other and more empathetic to each other over these issues. They're more likely to check on you on how therapy is going and be patient and understanding.
Personally I went through something deeply traumatic (not sexual trauma) and I only share it in light joking quips that do not go into detail of the pain I experienced. For me it's something I can find the sarcastic humor in and keep people (acquaintances/coworkers/dates/bfs) at ease if the topic does come up. And then I can use that to switch it to "Oh it's ok you didn't know, I love talking about that person so don't worry!" I share my actual hurt and the details of my experience that make me cry to my bestie and my mother who also went through this experience with me.