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We all know FDS view on finance when it comes to relationships, a man should cover all expenses. There is something however that I noticed with the scrotes surrounding me.
In my culture it's also clear that a man is the breadwinner and has to pay for everything, even giving the woman money on a regular basis to spend it on the things she needs/wants. Sounds great! However, I have seen with the toxic men that if they ever have financial problems (e.g. being sick, a recession, an unexpected payment, etc.) they ask their women for help, which isnt inherently a bad thing (or is it?) but after a while they see this as a way to work around the original arrangement and make the woman contribute basically forever. They either will use the same excuse they used in the past or use new ones every time.
A personal experience here: My dad has a lot of illnesses, some of which make it impossible to work certain jobs (he always needs a bathroom around). He has a degree in IT which is ideal, it's a well paying job with bathrooms lol. Tell me why this man hasn't worked a proper job since 2011. He would constantly use his health as an excuse not to work to the point that we grew up poor. We would sleep on mattresses and not buy clothes for winter because my dad would tell us he just cant afford it. And I know sickness is a big deal, that's why me and my family never complained, like EVER. We supported my dad through this from 2011 until this year. We helped him with his creative projects and made it as easy as possible for him. My mom worked little jobs here and there and would go to food stamps to feed us (He thought it was beneath him to go). He rewarded us with exposing himself as a narcissist who lies, all. the. time. He would constantly tell me how his doctor tells him he is in perfect health and when I tell him great, you can work like all the other human beings on earth he would say well its not thaaat good 😥. Bullshit, when my mom said she wants to divorce him he applied for a job THAT WEEK, knowing he will have to support himself. A classic tale of if he wanted to he would.
The point of all this is, how to know if a man asking you for financial help is gonna turn into this mess or if its genuine. How do you vet for it or is the truth clear because he asked you in the first place? Tell me your thoughts.
A masculine man would never ask his woman for financial help. He would go to his HV male family, or his male friends for a loan, or advice, or a job, or counsel before ever making his woman bear the burden of his own financial insecurity.
I'm sorry about how your father treated you. That wasn't fair of him to put his burden onto you.
Outside of a genuine natural disaster or catastrophe outside of his control where there is really no other choice (e.g. his bank account or other help is not accessible but she still has cash at home and they need to buy food for the kids) and it's not for him personally but for the family I can't imagine a situation where a HV man would ask his wife for her money. Being a provider means solving situations like this yourself (and doing your very best to make sure they don't occur in the first place of course), not burdening your family with them.
If I was a man I'd be so embarrassed to ask my wife for anything. My father never asked my mom for money and he wasn't always doing great financially but he made it work. He made sacrifices to support his wife and kids. It was the bare minimum. Men are being so un-manly these days just because women have access to jobs.
All adults should take personal responsibility. All adults know genuinely unforeseen circumstances can and will occur. Everyone should have an emergency fund. Sure, people can and do fall on hard times. Personally I wouldn't pick up for a man in a romantic sense. Good friends (years) - yes. Eventual husband of excellent vetting? Uh huh but I would have chosen a hard working man who will get back on the damn horse because he's always been on the horse. Still, when you lend money assume you will not get it back. Do not put yourself out for people who you are not 1000% sure will be there for you (that's 99.8% of people).
I'm sorry your dad put you through this. That sounds awful.
re your question, you vet by letting a man prove himself. He'll either do it or he'll fail.
Good men in my life never ask me for financial help, period. It's never happened. My dad's never even asked my mom, and they've been married for decades.
If these guys need help, they figure out a solution (work harder, get a new job, ask their family or friends). They don't presume upon the women in their lives.
Good men court properly. They pay for dates. They contribute and are happy to do it.
Honestly, it's a simple answer.
I've known a lot of bums in my time including an uncle who died penniless, siphoning off his newest victim. He moved into her house, let her pay for everything, and refused to get a job.
Before that, he was doing the same thing while living rent-free at his mother's. The man was 65.
Other guys I've met like this were obvious in similar ways: Didn't pay for anything, couldn't hold down a job, didn't care about their appearance.
Like I said, it's honestly a very simple and obvious answer. Look at a guy's behavior and he'll show you exactly who he is. Don't expect a broke user to turn into a prince, because he won't.
My dad would never ask my mum for money, not even when he had brain cancer and had to reduce his workload. My partner has never asked me for money but if something major were to happen, of course I would help, but he wouldn’t ask. He’s financially supported me for our entire relationship, not just living and travel but luxuries etc so if I happened to be in a position to help, I would.
My dude would rather beg on a street corner than ask me for financial help. First he would exhaust every avenue to get what he needed (which wouldn't be hard, because he has excellent credit and lots of assets because he is financially responsible). Then, in the absolute worst case scenario, he would tell me he needed time to get his life together before he could continue to court me because asking me to entertain a broke man wouldn't be fair to me.
In other words, absolutely not. No man with pride would even think of it. I'm so sorry your father was not the HVM you deserved. Mine wasn't either, and it made me that much more determine to avoid getting saddled with one as an adult. Never open your purse to a man, but especially not the man who is supposed to be taking care of you. Your only financial obligation is to yourself and to your children, if you have any.
Your dad is the perfect example of the opposite of this question. He is clearly not in trouble, he is just a butthole. I don't think it is low value at all for an HVm to ask for help. Everyone gets stuck in a rut sometimes, it's fine. I'd think id watch closely though to see if they're milking you dry
i think i would help for a given period of time, not too long obviously. if the guy doesn't get his shit together after that period, i'd leave him. i think anybody can find themselves in difficult times financially. i was unemployed for a long time because i decided to dedicate myself to studying. it ended up being useless as i couldn't find a job in the end... my father basically pays for my existence. i don't like it. i don't like him. but i don't have a choice. can't move out if i can't afford existing by myself. last job i managed to find didn't pay me enough to move out either and there was no perspective of growing in the career, so... it's difficult at times and i think what matters most is: is this person doing what they can to change their situation? or are they just lazy?
Personally I don't see myself doing something like that, basically raising an adult man. The only thing I can see myself doing is contributing to stuff like buying a house to skip paying interest on a big mortgage, but I'd be investing in our future together, not letting some guy leech off me.