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Hi ladies,
I am quite religious and I only date with the intention of marriage: strict no touch /physical contact policy, intentional conversations to discuss each other values, and family involvement after a few months
My question is: should I tell them that if they ask me point blank what I am looking for ?
The Rules et al. type of advice is to not reveal your strategy.
But at the same time, I dont want to go against my values by feeling I have to "trap" a man into marriage . Also the no physical contact policy and family involvement becomes an issue quite quickly...
If this is a defining aspect of your life, there's no point in hiding it. It would set you up with incompatible men and you would waste precious time.
You should however find a way of verifying the honest intentions of your suitors. Perhaps at the beginning you can just say you're very religious, and see what happens from there. There's no need to tell everything from the beginning. Reveal your intentions gradually and see if you notice mirroring or manipulation on the counterpart. Vet for consistency between words and actions. More importantly, if a man claims to want your same lifestyle, but he wasn't living that lifestyle prior to meeting you, that's obviously a lie.
Edit: Spotting mirroring isn't difficult, you only have to notice if a man immediately say "me too" to everything you say, you then make a bunch of follow up questions which he won't be able to answer if he's not real. Then grab the popcorn and watch him tying himself in knots.
Example: I told a scrote I loved a certain kind of playlist. Scrote: me too, I make them all the time. Me: can you send me your favorite right now? Scrote: word salad, the sends me random songs from YT. Never sends me a playlist ever afterwards. I know these seems like stupid things, but just a handful of well placed questions are enough to ascertain someone's intentions. Most men aren't that good at lying.
Just don't take anyone at face value and you'll be fine.
I think it's good toure religious and that you stick to your guns with men. Don't be having sex until you're married. There will be men who will play the long game with you just to see if they can make you go against your religious views, and then they'll dump you for it and blame you. Just be aware of that. Men take a woman's religious views as a challenge. A challenge to see if he can move you from your moral compass. To see if he's powerful enough to separate you from God. So don't fall for the Okey doke--whatever you do.
You don't want to give a man the script to play you. If you tell a man you're religious he'll use religion as a mask. You want to be who you are through actions and judge his reaction to your authentic self
no. never reveal that type of information to them. they will use it to manipulate you. vet him to see what his intentions are instead. you won't be trapping anyone. you'd be protecting yourself, that's all.
I’m not religious but I do think it’s a good idea to date only the ones you want to be with. Dating is not to get to know a man or have fun but to see if you are made for eachother.
The point of dating is not to make men like you. The point is to find the person you want to marry which includes vetting men who don't want to get married. You're not trapping a man when you lay out your standards.
I'm in a similar boat. If they ask me, I think I'd tell them.
It might be ignorant of me but I'm hoping the kind of gross men who are looking for hookups are too lazy to be interested in someone like me once they realize I'm serious.
I would be up front. Best wishes and good for your for sticking to your values.
Do not disclose your values and intentions without finding out their values and intentions first. As another comment said, they will flip the script to suit you.
Many times Muslim guys approach me 'looking for a gf' without knowing I'm a Muslim (no hijab). Upon telling them I'm Muslim, they immediately change the tune to 'I'm looking for a wife', 'I'm a bad Muslim now, but will be super practicing after marriage' (translation: super religiously abusive). These guys are total joke.
Muslim men who approach me as a Muslim for marriage will also mirror their values to mine. They will want a working wife that goes 50/50, I tell them I'm looking for a provider, suddenly they want a 'housewife'.
To me it seems they either don't know what they want (weak values) or will just play along with what you want until they have you and can force their terms on you (deceptive and abusive).
Be vague about your values and intensions, figure theirs out first, if they don't suit you, leave them, if it's a match then you can be more open.
If they directly ask, then I’d say it's good to say. Otherwise, sit back & observe behaviour/interactions. The men who are looking for the same things as you are, will make that clear.
No physical contact before marriage & family involvement won't be an issue to a man that has the same values as you do.
I experienced this with a potential HV male, that I was vetting. He was very clear about family involvement & did not initiate physical contact. I didn't have to bring it up to him that these were my expectations.