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I would love to hear more stories from women about what they are doing to set themselves up for success. I feel like FDS should almost be re-named “FSS” (Female Success Strategy) because without success in our own lives, relationship success is far less likely.
I’m in my early 40s. When I reflect on the mistakes I made (and there were many), there were several actions I took that saved me from settling for a substandard marriage. The first was an insistence on being financially self sustaining, so that no relationship could ever control me.
Even when I struggled with addiction, abusive relationships, a fucked up family, and toxic friendships, I always kept my head above water somehow in my career. I didn’t have the self-confidence or resources to go as far as I could have at the time, and I made some financial mistakes. But I’ve finally arrived in a place where I’m making great money doing something I like. I’m about to purchase a home, and I’ve begun pursuing creative outlets again through writing. This, as well as the decision to seek therapy in my 30s, and eventually to get sober, has been my saving grace. It has given me a solid foundation to build on. I may have arrived here later than some, but I made it. I believe that without these foundational elements shoring me up, I would have settled for a substandard relationship so I wouldn’t have to face the world out there alone. I would not have been able to stand on my own two feet and would have made decisions out of fear.
Human beings naturally seek security. The right relationships can help create security for us. I think the most fundamental form of security is something we actually give to ourselves. I love the idea of building the life of my dreams by creating the things in the world I want to see. If the love and belonging I want isn’t happening for me within relationships with men, I will find my own unique ways to bring it into the world.
I’d love to hear from other women about what steps they’re taking to set themselves up for success - emotionally, financially, physically, socially. I find these types of posts very inspiring and empowering. I am trying to spend more time thinking about how I can take control of my own life rather than thinking of ways to find and vet a man against odds over which I have no control.
I have been taking much better care of myself physically -- my hair and skin, specifically, and working out at least 3-4 times a week. I've been making sure I have a clean environment, and trying to grow out of my "teenage boy" phase I feel like I've been in since I was 15. I have totally rid myself of my dependence on marijuana. My anxiety has improved thanks to not living a romance-centered life. I'm hoping all of this will lay the foundation for a successful career when I graduate in May! I would not have experienced all of this growth if not for FDS, for sure. I constantly see successful and admirable women here (you included, OP!) who I want to be more like; they're self-actualized adults, and they remind me that prioritizing our self-care pays off in dividends. This is a wonderful post, I am so happy for you! Congrats on becoming a homeowner and all of the growth you've done! 🎉💖🥂
I used to focus far too much energy on my romantic relationships. After my divorce I really invested in my friends. I cut about half of them out of my life and gave my all to the remaining ones. Earlier this year I moved house and threw myself into new friendships and getting involved in my community (mainly charitable work). Early into this new approach I met my now ex-boyfriend and fell very much in love but that had no impact on my friendships. The relationship ended and I’m finding that hard but because I never got distracted from my friendships I’ve had three festive meet ups and am squeezing one more in before I go to family for Christmas. I’ve already booked one holiday for next year with a friend. After my divorce I felt lonely and scared at all the time I had to fill (mostly when my son was with my ex) so threw myself back into dating. This time around I’m enjoying my space because if I want company there are women I can call. I’m a romantic at heart and still want love but I’ve lots more community building to do first. There’s an opportunity to start a local branch of a female networking group and that makes a lot more sense to me than OLD. This approach is hard. Friends are busy and I’ve had to deal with how I handle perceived rejection when they have other plans. A man will always want to see me but dick is abundant and it’s because they know another man would just take his place with me if he doesn’t prioritise me. I’ve stopped instinctively going for the easy option (men).
This year was a major turning point in my life. It was the year I finally (in my early 30s) chose myself and fought for myself. The last few years have been brutal in many ways--the pandemic, my mom's declining health, and a devastating experience of unrequited love/limerence that sent me into a complete breakdown. I often felt like I was crawling, but I didn't give up on myself. I had to find an inner strength, and I had to find new tools and better ways of coping.
The most important step I took this year was recommitting to my physical health. That means centering my mental health. I am an emotional eater. I've turned to food my entire life to regulate my emotions and help me cope with anxiety, depression, and deep loneliness. I was out of control for a long time and became dangerously obese. This year, I started a weight loss journey. I'm down 50 pounds so far. I could not have done the work without directly confronting the reasons why I ate so much and why I used food to numb myself.
I started to do deep inner work. I had to start trying to heal some wounds connected to my dad's death when I was a teenager. I also needed to undo my self-hatred and self-destructive behavior. I had to start loving myself and seeing myself as a valuable person. Self-love is such a vital and essential thing. I can no longer allow other people to determine my worth. I am also exploring shadow work and inner child work as well. Healing is an ongoing process. It's never really over, but I'm glad I started this journey to know myself in a deeper way and to understand who I am.
I have developed more positive habits and coping strategies. Instead of turning to food to quell my fears or to soothe me when I'm lonely, I do things that are more uplifting, like writing, reading, listening to music, talking to a friend, lighting a candle, learning a hobby, watching a film, etc. I am filling my life with the things that nourish me and activate me and light me up.
I've become more spiritual by learning about the divine feminine and goddess spirituality and connecting to nature. My spirituality is not tied to religion or a god up in the sky. It's more like a deep connection to life and to love and to a more positive energy. I would not have been able to survive the hardships of the last few years without a connection to something deeper.
I am taking steps to get my life together. I got a credit card for the first time, and I'm working on building my credit. I need to learn how to drive eventually, but I have a lot of anxiety and fear surrounding it. I want to be more independent and get my life in a better place in general. I realized this year that I'd like to be a psychotherapist and help others. That would require me to go back to school. I'm not sure yet how I will make all of this happen, but it gives me something to work toward.
I have reconnected with my creativity. I completed The Artist's Way earlier this year, and it was so inspiring. I have been writing so much more. Writing keeps me centered, and it helps me get out all these thoughts and emotions that are often swirling inside me. I'm thinking about books I'd like to write.
I am collaborating on some projects with a couple of my friends. I have centered my friendships in a whole new way the last few years. I've found some people who I feel deeply connected to, like we are on the same wavelength. I hate how we think of soul mates as romantic partners. I think friends can be soul mates, too. I wouldn't be where I am without my friends, and I'm so happy to be making things with them.
I am trying to stick to a daily routine of meditation, saying affirmations, journaling, and pulling a tarot or oracle card. I find that if I do this routine each morning, my day tends to be so much better. I am also practicing mindfulness and living more in the present and connecting to my body and my breath.
I've totally decentered men in my life. I am not pursuing anything romantic, and I'm making peace with the idea that it might not be in the cards for me to find a partner. I just don't know. If it organically unfolds in my real life and he seems like a good man, I'll be open to it. For now, I can't let men have space in my life. I've always been invisible to them anyway, but when I had my experience of limerence it did activate a part of me that wanted to be deeply loved by a man. If it never happens, I still want to see my life as having value and meaning. I don't want to be defined by men in any way. I'd rather focus on my friendships, my purpose in life, and my own wellbeing.
*A lot of it came down to my little girl’s ability: inhibition of strangers. Which is a call to look out for people you can trust. And, girl, it has helped. 1. Topped my class during high school. Kept good company to enjoy undergrad. Got the most basic job, and swore to be back during my Master's. Charmed the hell outta some talented folks for a 100% scholarship and made use of a childhood scholarship to spring into action for a PhD. Along with great jobs held all the time. *Going always second and trying to get into rooms with more brains than me keeps me humble. 2. Never cared for competing with other girls for a man, or being the first one to get a boyfriend. Or, have someone drop me back and forth all the time. Should mention, for about half a year, had to lean on my parents for free rides etc as I was always preparing for GMAT etc then. I was 21. Again, trust only a fewer bunch. *Came across, “The egg doesn’t swim to the sperm.” pretty early on. Have had male friends, but none of them is a confidant. Only my women friends, little women or otherwise, depending on my age. No female friends because humans are social animals. Never felt that crowd is productive enough ever. 3. Had a bunch of suitors, again not dates but let them know about said above male friends so that they already are a higher value if that's a thing, otherwise start levelling up. Helps to have a high-value sibling who covers my blind spots as well. And, sat down with the fam for a final decision on life partner choices before my conclusions. Dunno about everyone, I for one enjoyed letting men know they are not good enough. You gotta have fun. No way I come from privilege and every way I turn my situation that can be enjoyed by my nieces and daughters into a privilege. That said, my heart was broken once by my unsuspecting innocent self, let's say that we rendered him more useless than before in the end. I also assume revenge at times. All in all, girl power?