.png)
This is a continuation of my previous post : "I am afraid I will be conned by a psycho man that only reveal his true face after years of marriage"
I want to encourage all of you ladies - instead of worrying about the man (you can't control kind of man you will come across) - instead focus on sharpening your observation and vetting skill so that you can SEE the man for what he truly is, instead of projecting your morality and humanity onto him.
Regardless of how far along your relationship is.
I stand by this and I will say it again - most men are horrible, lazy liars. They have NO INCENTIVE to keep their lies straight because they have NO REASON to do so. They only need to be charming until you get hooked - and then you will do all the work for him. You give him benefit of the doubt over and over again, excuse his behavior and blaming yourself.
You see the "small" signs that makes you uncomfortable - but instead of cutting him off, you point it out to him and make him promise to never do it again. And think because he "straighten himself out", you are all good. And continue to stay and develop deeper feeling to him. And after a period of bliss - he "suddenly flipped overnight" and you never saw it coming.
Ladies, remember the "small" signs?
Most women would benefit greatly from understanding that those "small" problematic attitude, "small" burst of anger, "small" disrespect he accidentally show you, "small" ignorance when you need his attention - basically anything "small" that most women in relationship like to chalk to as "Oh he is having a bad day".
HE IS NOT.
That is his mask slipping because he is careless. And his "apology" after you pointing the issue out and "righting" him is not him apologizing for his mistakes - he is annoyed that you caught him and begrudgingly putting the mask back on while planning on how he will "punish" you later when you are well and truly tied to him.
Abuse always start with the small signs. He didn't just "suddenly change overnight" - he is that all along, you just let him spin you in circles long enough until he see that he doesn't need to lie and hide anymore.
Hell, even if he is truly kind and are generous and all that - but he is not as warm and close as he was before - that's a red flag. A man who is truly infatuated with you will never stop being infatuated with you.
When FDS says you have to vet for red flags - we mean ALL red flags. Big and small and you-need-to-look-twice-to-see-it miniscule.
When FDS says you have to be "ruthless" - we mean you have to be RUTHLESS.
We mean you are ready to get up and get out the MOMENT any "small sign" start to show. Even if you didn't like the way he breath smell or something - ANY small sign.
You make ZERO excuses for him, NO benefit of the doubt ever, NO wondering and pondering and asking "He is amazing in all this areas but..." - when there is a but, you GET OUT.
Sound cruel to you? What do you think when FDS says you have to adopt a Queen Mentality - you think a Queen will let small things slide and keep making excuses for the man?
A Queen will ponder and wonder and consider this "great guy with all HV qualities but... he watches porn..."?
A Queen will let "small signs" slide and excuse his rude behavior as "He is having a bad day?"
A Queen will keep giving chances to a flippity-floppity guy because he says he has "changed"?
A Queen is called a Queen not because she has a big heart and accept everyone and all that martyr bullsh*t - A Queen is called a Queen because she is RUTHLESS to the point everybody have no choice but to bow down.
If you want to be a Queen you gonna have start developing yourself into one - and that means DISCIPLINE. The discipline to not let a man play you.
The rule of thumb is this: If he makes you feel "off" - you are done. Get out.
Stay safe ladies.
100% agree. Too many times I've heard people say, how did Chris Watts, a regular husband turn out to be a horrendous killer. The fact is he was always an abuser. His wife met him when she was at her lowest and he loved bombed her and she was hooked. Men don't change overnight.
Every relationship I've had, I can remember the first few red flags that I ignored. I can then trace those red flags to incidents later on in the relationship that caused me to eventually dump him.
Here's just a few examples from my pre-FDS days for your enjoyment 😁
He (not so) jokingly asked me to show him all the pics on my phone and tried to use a picture I took of myself (!!) to accuse me of cheating on him... months later he was screaming in my face because I talked to a man at a club
He made a sexist joke about 'female bosses' at his job trying to appear tough... months later he was seething with jealousy and resentment over the fact that I got a job making more money than him
He was 13 years older than me... months later a woman my age whom he worked with went on facebook to publicly accused him of sexual harassment and said he kept pestering her for sex
Things that seem small always get bigger with time. Don't gaslight yourself ladies.
Regarding the breath example: My ex suddenly developed bad breath after 6 months of relationship. Turned out he caught candida overgrowth in his mouth from going down unprotected with the pickmes he cheated with...who probably had yeast infection there. So I agree. Any small sign.
My grandma once broke off an engagement because when her fiancé took her to his momma’s house, he jumped over the back of the couch, WITH HIS SHOES ON! She said, “and I sat there and I thought to myself, if he’s gonna do this in his momma’s house, can you imagine what he’d do in a house where he thinks he’s paying the bills? I just knew I couldn’t do it. So when he dropped me off that night I told him he best not come back.”
It’s one of my favorite stories about her, and I always think about it whenever a man irks me. There are usually very deep reasons that we’re irked by little things. Little things are the little signs of big problems.
Yep the red flags are always there, just need to rip off those rose tinted lenses 😂 Asked me how much money I made >>> turned into a loser when I started making more money and thought he couldn't do anything nice for me anymore Dressed like shit >>> was always hyperfocused on what I was wearing and whether or not I impressed his friends Didn't like that I had male friends and worked with men >>>> most of his female friends wanted to hook up with him and thought he was amazing Had hoe ass friends that cheated on their girls and went 50/50 and he would just be like oh well lol>>> thought he was a God because he paid for dates and didn't physically cheat on me Had a disgusting bedroom and bathroom that I tried to clean up so I could be comfortable 🤡>>>never cared about my comfort. if I left a few dishes in my sink or had my makeup on my counter he would say I was gross and try to make me feel bad. He would always pick at me for little things that he was extremely bad at. And the list goes on and on and on and yet I stayed for 9 months instead of just 6 😭
I agree 1000%. My last official ex showed signs of crazy- we were at a show with my friends out of town and he left his dogs at home crated. He volunteered to, insisted on driving together and then started to act cold distant and angry at the show. I offered to leave early multiple times and he didn’t want to, so I let him sulk. He blamed me for leaving his dogs all day and was angry on the ride home with me and my friend, played a bunch of Eminem songs and wouldn’t speak to us and was speeding the whole way, he angrily made one bathroom stop which I waited to ask for until I was in severe pain holding it in. I dumped him immediately and he followed me around and bothered me thru mutual friends when i blocked him so I unblocked him and tried to be civil, we had some drinks together and guilt tripped me into coming to see the dogs, who i loved (i know, terrible decisions) but i certainly didn’t ask him to take off my clothes when I passed out but he did, and admitted it in a text message the next day. Tho the story was changed later, of course. He later said essentially I was lucky he didn’t fuck me bc i was asking for it 🙄🙄🙄🙄end up filing a restraining order bc he kept following me around, dropped it bc he got two lawyers who were going to drag me thru hell in court when the only term of the order I wanted was for him to personally stay away from me and my body (we did live near each other and i knew he would fight anything else) and got mutual friends who i introduced him to (thought they were my friends) to testify on his behalf. I just heard from him for the first time in 6 months, since I filed the order, he sent an email to me as the now-president of the large city downtown residents organization I made him a part of and resigned from when I filed the order. Fuck these scrotes and vet. I never regret vetting, blocking, deleting, i only regret being too soft in the past and hope I can learn from those mistakes.