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While I find our couple-catering society encourages women to be pick-me’s in general, it is really amplified in religion.
I was wondering if there is anyone here who is FDS-aligned but managed to continue having their faith as a part of their lives, what modifications or straight up add/drops had to be incorporated in order to preserve your dignity, or if you had to largely abandon your faith altogether, and/or if you converted to something else.
For example, I was raised Catholic, but had to largely abandon the church to be true to myself and respect female equity. I also fall more libertarian than authoritarian on the political compass (I believe we need some level of social control but that most religions go overboard on it, as well as with their centralization of power which limits transparency), and so the dogma didn’t work for me. I have retained a fair amount of the teachings of Jesus (which I feel ok with), but also still retained enjoyment of the rituals/traditions/pageantry of the church (which still causes some cognitive dissonance).
I never felt truly drawn to switch to an iteration of Christianity less auth like Unitarianism or the American Catholic Church. I am open to something entirely different that is female lead, but so far have only encountered stuff that is too witchy (which feels like a trope at this point when it comes to female lead spirituality) and either is libfem or so radfem it’s separatist, neither of which I fall into.
Would love to hear your own takes on how religion/spirituality (atheists welcome too of course) fits into your life given you have that self-agency FDS encourages, and also actually if you would expect a partner to be an active participant, if you are ambivalent, or if you would actually prefer it to be separate from your relationship. Thanks.
That's a tricky one, and I haven't quite figured it out yet. I was raised in an Atheist household. I came to Christianity when my divorce literally brought me to my knees. I remember praying, just screaming and begging for peace, while fully expecting nothing- and I in that moment I was absolutely flooded with it. I fully believe now. I don't get involved in other's beliefs, or preach to them, because no amount of preaching could have made me believe before I was ready. I respect other's faiths and expect them to respect mine. It would be nice to find a man who is also Christian, but I have met so many wolves in sheep's clothing. A lot of men go to church as a way to meet women, and a lot of them like to rattle off verses about women submitting to their husbands, while leaving out the parts about what husbands are supposed to do.
I will say, my first boyfriend after my divorce spread it around that I was a slut. He was the only man I'd slept with after my husband, and I'd waited an entire year to date. He apparently announced it in front of a bunch of guys at our churches men's retreat. I don't think I ever want to date a man who goes to my church again.
I consider myself ruthless when it comes to FDS rules and support everything mentioned here. However, I still love my religion and all the morals and values I learned from my culture. I pray to God, I meditate and I treat people well. Having faith in anything really (universe/god, etc) can help keep some people guarded (not all people). The HVM in my life are all men of faith. They are not strict or crazy .. they are just good human beings and they actually do pray to God. I know other men who pretend to be so religious yet they are disgusting. I think it comes down to you as a person internally and what are your morals and values. Religion like anything else in life can be used badly or can also be good depending on who you are. I don’t believe in everything in my religion. I only take what I believe fits my values and what I know is right. Having god in your life is your choice and you don’t need to follow everything in your religion for you to be a good Christian or catholic. I don’t idealize anyone, I don’t force religion on anyone, I just do what gives me peace and it’s mostly to be a good human being, help the elders, take good care of kids, good care of my health, care for my parents, fasting, not drinking alcohol or smoking or gambling. No sex before commitment. Cleansing my mind and soul with what I see, listen to and say. What matters the most is in your heart ♥️
I’ve noticed a lot of men bring religion up and it’s a shit test to see how conformist a woman is, how submissive, how doctrinaire she is, all so he can have an “in” with her. It’s all about control. I grew up Southern Baptist, walked away as a teen, and have been Episcopalian for 20+ years. I like that it’s historical, a low-key environment, and that there are female priests.
Yes. It came with cutting through the filter of the megachurch experience by studying the scripture (Christian in this case) in the original text and seeking out female theologians, rabbis, and pastors. As it turns out, from Old Testament to New, there are FDS principles and lessons everywhere. It's been so startling to see what wasn't taught to me, I'm thinking of starting a blog that focuses on drawing them out explicitly.
Growing up, my family was not religious. My brothers and I didn’t grow up to a certain church or religion. Up until a couple of years ago, I was an atheist. However now I am a Christian. Finding Christ was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I have been in so peace because of it. Sadly though I never found a church I was comfortable with, since I live in a highly conservative area. Even with more liberal churches and such it can go to more libfem territory, which I am also uncomfortable with. Then there is also the fact that there are many Christians who are bigoted, terrorize others (especially women), among other things.
Like what NotTheOne said, I don’t get involved with other people’s beliefs. It is literally none of my business and it is rude to shove such things in other people’s faces. I keep my religious life personal, but in a way I love it. I don’t have to hear from anyone saying I am not a true follower of God just because I do this and that. And while I do love to be married to a Christian man someday, to be with someone who loves God as much as I do, I know a lot of them would just expect me to be their Mommy McBangmaid.
I’ll give a non Christian perspective, assuming that is welcome. I’m Jewish, specifically reform so very compatible with feminism. Our rabbi just retired but she went to rabbinical school after her divorce in her 50s. She is a feminist activist *because* she is a Jew. My religion is integral to my daily life and how I raise my daughter: social justice, female autonomy, the ability to argue and reason, standing up to authority, questioning everything, demanding honor and respect from men, etc. There are pretty traditional divisions of labor going on in my synagogue still but no more than mainstream culture. I don’t think Jewish couples have higher rates of disrespectful men or unhappy marriages than non religious people. I do think the foundations of Judaism assume autonomy for women as the default. It allowed for woman initiated divorce from day one, along with property and custody rights for women. Most Jews that I know of HATE the term “Judeo-Christian values because it’s distasteful to get lumped in with concepts that are antithetical to our values. Even Orthodox Judaism doesn’t have a concept of “submissive” or “pure” the way Christianity does.
This resonated. I’ve been yearning for a sense of safety, and when I feel this way I revert to my default/comfort zone which is the Catholic Church. Like you I also find the rituals comforting and I’m completely disinclined from pursuing other religions/spirituality. I agree that religion should be less centralized while also admitting that people need an external moral compass. Stopped going to mass as a teenager after my mother died but have attended very irregularly afterwards. I don’t really like atheist men and see very religious men as a red flag, so I’m mostly interested in the irreligious but kind of observant?
I was raised in a muslim household and I loveeeed my religion. Like the peace it gave me moved me to tears every time I would think about it. Especially living in a western country whose values often go against it even in everyday life (e.g. drinking, premarital sex, immodest dressing, etc.) it gets tough but it forces you to reflect on why things are the way they are, finding your path and living authentically even when everyone is doing the opposite.
Unfortunately, muslim communities are more than a dumpster fire. I never realized how bad it was until I started to engage with them especially online. Stereotypically, misogyny led to immense religious trauma that I am still healing from. I lost almost all connection to my faith and its probably my toughest battle I had to deal with in my life. I dont care if men think I am worthless but to feel like God sees you this way is just unbearable.
It breaks my heart every time I see women suffer at the hands of Islam or the religion being misrepresented. There is so much more to the story but people dont want to listen and its such an isolating experience. On the one hand you have the religious community that is totally flawed and doesnt offer support, on the other you have people who are so against your faith, you think its better not to speak up. Especially in female spaces because we fall more victim to religious manipulation.
For me, the light at the end of the tunnel was finding communities like FDS and even muslim ones consisting of women when I was realizing how messed up womens state is in this world, like many FDSers on here. I choose to see it as a sign from God that I was a stupid pick me and needed to wake up (especially because basically all FDS values align with Islam), at the end of the day I learned all this without a man taking serious advantage of me and I am forever grateful for that. I am working on fixing my religious trauma, educating myself on my faith more and staying true to FDS values I believe in. Regarding your question, I personally would only marry a muslim man, however given my experience, I dont trust most of them one bit lol and am therefore totally not ready for a relationship.
Thank you for this posts, I never realized how much I needed to reflect on this
I have heard of "Christian Wiccans" but honestly they're so weird and too into Dan Brown for me to recommend. The upside of modern paganism is it's very common to be a solo practitioner these days, and you're encouraged to build your own religion essentially.
If you want to have a female spiritual leader, or worship some form of female divinity you'll probably want to separate it from the men in your life. Even so called atheists get very passionate about religion all of a sudden if they see a woman in charge. Even if it's not hateful it will be a constant battle. Men aren't allowed to practice Dianic Wicca at all for that reason. They're not welcome inside the circle at all.
I switched from atheism/agnosticism to Dianic Wicca because I believed that female divinity (as a concept) had been neglected and abused, and that if I (as a woman) couldn't worship or honor female divinity myself than it's no wonder men were so comfortable and successful at tearing Her down, and making a mockery of femininity in general. I don't mention the "God" at all in my practice since He gets enough worship from everyone else, my sole focus on the Female Divine is part of what makes my faith "Dianic."
I did briefly consider converting to an extant ancient religion like Hinduism and focusing on one of their Goddesses but it just didn't resonate with me, but I suppose that's a path that you can look into.
I'm not aware of any monotheistic religions that acknowledge female divinity on its own, certainly none that worship it, so it's not surprising at all that you're having trouble finding one with a human female in a leadership position. Judaic religions in particular have been saying women were responsible for the downfall of men for thousands of years so it's no surprise there.
I was never a really religious person, but I was brought up Christian and took comfort in the rituals like many others do. I do have a spiritual side and I think it's indeed worth nurturing. I don't feel the need to go to church, but it's nice to connect with others spiritually. My boyfriend actually inspired me in that regard. He believes in and prays to God (I don't, at least not in the same way) but the way he practices his faith is pretty personal and only includes a few other people from his inner circle and the small, casual Bible group he goes to. We share the same values despite not sharing the same faith, so it's actually great to talk about religious / spiritual topics with him. He is also into meditation and other forms of non-religious spirituality which are "easy" for me to join / be interested in since believing in God is no requirement. What I'm trying to say with this is that if the "community factor" is important to you, then it's maybe a good idea to look for people with similar general world views, personalities that resonate with yours, who practice some form of spirituality, and try to share it with them. I found connections like this can be more meaningful than connections based only having the same exact faith. It's possible you can have more fulfilling conversations about spirituality with someone who is an atheist / agnostic but looks at the world in the same way as you do, than with the average person of the same religion.
I'm Buddhist.
There's no command to go forth and multiply, so no pressure to get in a heterosexual relationship ASAP and start making babies as if it's your duty.
The biggest goal is to achieve enlightenment. How you get there is mostly up to you.
Zen, in particular, requires questioning things and not just repeating what you've been told.
Like a lot of other religions that has been around a long time, I wouldn't exactly call it "feminist" 😅 But these days, people who run the temples are mostly women, at least where I am. It can vary in other places.
I'm open to a partner who is not Buddhist as long as he doesn't think it's ridiculous that things like karma and reincarnation makes sense to me. 😆 Those things seem silly at first, but it's kind of similar to laws of physics. Karma is "for every action there's a reaction", and reincarnation is "energy and matter change form but don't just disappear".
Having a partner could be considered an earthly attachment and something that gets in the way of getting to enlightenment. But, oh well, I'm a pretty half-ass Buddhist and most other Buddhists don't judge. Not all of us have what it takes to live like monks. 🤣