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Because we learn best from real experiences.
Story 1: "Married 4 years, husband has all the money in his account"
My husband makes over 100k. I work part time from home and make 20k. We split bills, he does pay a larger amount due to his wage. After bills, I am not left with much but can always go to my husband.
That's great and all... But I am tired of asking for money. "Can I have 20$ for gas?" "I'm going to the store, I need some money". We have a joint account that he sends me money through, usually only the exact amount I need. It's not that uncommon for me to have as little as $20 in my account meanwhile he has... Well I don't even know how much he has aside from a few thousand.
I've asked him before if we can just put all our money in the joint, that happened for about 6 months then it went back to him keeping most of the money. Just feels bad man. I wish I could make more. I recently began a new business so we will see how that goes.
I recently asked him if we can put all the money in the joint and he said maybe. We have a great relationship otherwise... This just makes me resent him a bit.
Comment:
✒️ You don't "resent him a bit" -- you resent him, period. Because your relations isn't "great otherwise" -- your "relationship" (if we can even call it that) is lackluster at best.
✒️ That dude doesn't even like you sis, he is barely tolerating you -- you are a placeholder until he found someone he is really excited about.
✒️ Dude just like the fact that he has someone he can feel smug on and lord over -- it is akin to a master-slave or owner-servant "relationship".
✒️ He is gleefully taunting her and enjoying seeing her being insecure and stressed over her lower income -- you know, like a bully. I bet y'all a thousand if her business picks up -- he is going to find a way to sabotage her next.
✒️ This is what pissed me off the most with all these "But our relationship is based on love! We are in this together!" -- yeah yeah yeah. You love him -- but does he? Love you?
✒️ Because in my world -- men love by taking care of his partner thoroughly. While she loves him by taking care of herself thoroughly. Because a woman is a man's source of happiness and his reason to keep fighting, to keep living. If she breaks down -- his entire world crashes.
✒️ She would be a lot happier (and healthier) just being single on a 20k income and slowly build her business -- because that way she doesn't have that asshole taunting, stressing her out, and making her miserable by comparing how "better" he is to her. Egging her to make rash decisions because she just can't wait to get out of that misery, clouding her judgement.
✒️ I am also building my own business right now and the NUMBER ONE thing I learned is that everything has to be on MY PACE and nobody else has a say in what my moves are -- my stress contained is MAXED with the business alone, can't even deal with external stressors right now. She may still succeed depending on how tenacious she is -- but the price she has to pay will be brutal.
Stay tuned, and stay safe.
Financial abuse is so insidious because it entraps the woman and cripples her ability to escape. My high-earning ex-husband frequently “forgot” to deposit his paychecks while he was out of town on business, leaving me unable to buy groceries or take care of expenses. I was a SAHM and he loved the control this gave him over me. It was fully intentional. When I made money through side jobs and little businesses I started, he would sneer and sabotage them. After our divorce, he worked very hard to ensure I couldn’t get back on my feet financially by not paying child support, or paying far less than he owed per the divorce agreement. It took me years to recover and he was mostly unsupportive every step of the way. A low value man’s greatest fear is a woman he can’t control.
Never let a man control your financial future. Insist on your own private checking account, and contribute to it often. If you choose to be a SAHM, insist that his income is directly deposited to a joint account that you share, and do not let him make you feel like any less of a partner in your marriage because you “only” work 24/7 to raise your children at home. I have been a SAHM, WAHM, and now WOHM. Staying at home was by far the most exhausting and hardest option of the three. Never let anyone minimize that, least of all your husband! He should be down on his hands and knees giving thanks that you’re willing to sacrifice your time and body and career progression in order to give him healthy, happy children.
If you are already in this situation, start withdrawing cash with your grocery shopping at the register, and stash it somewhere safe. When you have a few hundred dollars, find a bank branch in a grocery store (so that you can go there unobtrusively and regularly) and open your own secret checking account. Get a PO Box and have your banking account mail sent there. When you use the bank, be sure to buy something from that grocery store so that you have plausible deniability. But be sure you have a financial cushion, however small, as you build towards leaving your abuser. He has probably gaslighted you into thinking you won’t get anything in a divorce. Lies! You will get at least half plus child support and even alimony if you don’t have your own income.
Don’t go 50-50 and don’t settle for financial abuse, queens. These men will bleed the life out of you if you allow it.
@SayNad can I say your contributions in this forum contribute greatly to my sanity? I see you girlfriend I wish I knew you IRL
Why is she just not a joint account holder on his account ??? Also, even among 50/50 endorsers, I don't know many that would agree the wife should be paying ANY % of expenses if the income disparity is THAT extreme amd she makes THAT little! She's an idiot.
"But I am tired of asking for money. "Can I have 20$ for gas?" "I'm going to the store, I need some money". We have a joint account that he sends me money through, usually only the exact amount I need."
This is so damn triggering for me that it's not funny... One of the main reasons why I work so hard to be financially secure is that I never, ever want to have to ask someone for money again. It is humiliating.
I grew up poor and having to ask my parents for money for school stuff (like supplies or trips) knowing how little money we had and that - even if I got it - it would come out of that week's food fund or other essentials shaped me for life. Never again and if I ever have children I will spare them that.
Then when I was young and dumb I got into a relationship with a guy who worked full time and made way more than me who was just scraping by as a student and I - again dumb me - moved in with him. He wanted me to contribute from the little money I made ("just a little!" - which left me with around 100€ of "pocket money" a month...) and never gave me access to his account. He gleefully told me "You can always ask me for money. Just tell me what you need it for and I will give it to you". Someone who hasn't been in that situation can't imagine how humiliating and controlling it is and how much he got off on the power to just say "no" when I asked him (which he always made a game out of).
I got out of there at some point. But I will never agree to something like this again. I will always have my own account with "fuck off" money in it to leave at a moment's notice and any money to provide for the family will go into a true joint account. And I will not tolerate any controlling questions about how much I withdraw and why. You either trust me to make reasonable financial decisions and not overspend on crazy stuff without having to report to you, or there is no relationship.
A friend of mine had this topic with her (now) husband who I would call HV. She had similar experiences to me and when she stopped working after they had a baby and his income was the only one she always told him if she withdrew money from the joint account and for what, even the tiniest things like "I withdrew 20€ to buy diapers since we ran out"... until he said "This is our money, not mine. You don't have to tell me anything about how you use it. Treat it like your own money. I want to you buy whatever you and the family wants and needs and what makes you happy. That's the whole point of it."
How degrading. Asking for $20 to put gas in the car.
This is EXACTLY what 99% of men want. To feel powerful, smug and in control of his "little woman" by playing games and making her beg for 20 fucking dollars. Sadly our culture has brainwashed women that is ok. Sigh.