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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is problematic and I posted about him before. I do know he loves me, but I also know that love isn’t enough and that two people need shared values and mutual respect.
An enormous issue in our relationship is that I want to wait until I am married to have sex. I am 29 and managed to wait this long. He doesn’t.
I want to wait until marriage because a) I am religious b) purity culture is somewhat ingrained in me c) if I don’t, I will freak out CONSTANTLY about getting pregnant and babies and d) I don’t want to set a precedent if it doesn’t work out between my boyfriend that because I am no longer a virgin, I am expected to have sex with the next guy I date. I also just really don’t want to have sex until I am married. If this relationship doesn’t work out, I will feel ashamed and hurt that I gave up my virginity.
I have no desire to take hormonal birth control because everyone I know had a shitty time on hormones. The copper IUD is the only option and that is a painful experience.
And here’s the problem: I have done pretty much everything besides intercourse. So I am not a walking pinnacle of purity either. We have gotten to “third base” or whatever you want to call it and he gets his enjoyment doing just that. Why do we need to take things further? Why can’t he be happy just going as far as we have gone and move on with life?
He gets very angry about this. I visited him yesterday and freaked out, crying that I don’t want him to stick it in me. He got very angry and blew up and shouted at me that I don’t want him and then that he planned his entire day around me and now I ruined it. I broke down crying and started to get ready to leave and he apologized profusely. I kept trying to explain to him how much sex terrifies me and he kept telling me that I am overreacting and too panicky.
I honestly would be happy living in a world without sex. I am so upset that we have this biological urge that can ruin our lives in an instant with disease and pregnancy. I hate this so much. If there was zero consequence to sex, I would have sex. But because of the risk of pregnancy and babies, sex terrifies me.
He's a vile piece of shit. Leave him before it escalates to worse...he did what is called 'coercion' he tried to guilt trip you and make you feel bad for not going all the way with him, let alone the fact that he raged at you for it! Big red flag. He's abusive, not to mention a gaslighter, for telling you that you were "overreacting"...he has no respect for you at all...drop the scrote and be safe.
This is emotional abuse and sexual coercion. Please seek help.
Even if you are married, he has no right to rage at you for not wanting to have sex for any reason. Any reason at all.
Also, you are absolutely not required to have premarital sex with the next guy even if you have premarital sex with this one.
Still, I would advise against having sex with pushy assholes - sex with someone with this type of temperament is not likely to be good. If he disrespects your boundaries when you're not having sex, he'll disrespect your boundaries when you are having sex - such as pushing for sex acts that can hurt you.
If a man try getting aggro with me to get sex from me, he would be kicked to the curb so fast his head would spin.
You don’t need any justification at all for not having sex. You don’t need a religious justification as well to remain a virgin. You being terrified about disease and pregnancy is enough, however keep in mind that you can contract diseases through non penetrative sex as well. He sounds like he sees your virginity as a challenge, and for many scrotes, the ability to effectively deceive, charm or coerce their way into sex with a woman is tied to their self esteem. Hence the childish entitled rage as non of these methods have worked. I’ve noticed with young “cool” church going millennials in churches like hillsong, the norm is to speed up the courtship process bc they’re abstinent and insistent on sex only after marriage, and typically, they’re married within a year. You’re 29, so probably done with college and at an appropriate age for marriage, so it’s very telling that instead of trying to fast track the courtship by showing real commitment, he’s chosen to fast track sex. You’ve said in the comments you don’t think he’s someone you can marry, so that means you already know what to do.
"If this relationship doesn’t work out" There's no if about it. It already has not worked out.
It sounds like you are trauma-bonded to this abusive man, and can't seem to leave him because you can't imagine life without him. Or maybe he has you convinced you'll never find someone as good to you as he is, or who loves you as much. Whatever the cause, you are in an abusive relationship to a man who does not love you at all, does not respect you one bit, and will only continue to escalate his abuse of you the longer you allow it.
Love does not look like emotional blackmail, manipulation, gaslighting, and petulant foot-stomping ("You ruined my whole day because you wouldn't let me have sex with you waaaaahhhhhhh"). Men who love you do not ever:
-rage at you
-try to coerce you into getting rid of your boundaries
-accuse you of being responsible for THEIR mood and feelings
-know your expectation is that you will not have sex until after you are married, but push for sex rather than marriage (so telling!)
-trigger such negative reactions in you that you attempt to break up with them not once, not twice, not thrice, but FOUR TIMES (without success--because of the gaslighting and manipulation and tantrums)
Let me tell you something that I hope, for your safety and health, you will take to heart. A man like this will tear you down to the very bone. It won't happen all at once, because there will still be good times...sometimes. He will salt the meat of the good times with liberal doses of poison, the kind of horrid abuse that makes you gasp for air and cry so hard you can feel tears pooling in your ears as you lie in bed at night. This sort of man will slowly reduce the ratio of meat to poison until you are now getting mostly the bad stuff, and only the occasional taste of the way things were in the beginning, when he was lovebombing you. And at that point leaving becomes a supreme matter of will, because he has emotionally beaten the soul out of you. You will no longer recognize yourself. You will find yourself compromising not just about sex, but about everything. You will do and say things you would never have suspected you were even capable of. You will be entirely under his control, and things may now start to get physical. He may restrain you from leaving by grabbing your arm, or holding you against a wall against your will. It may escalate, maybe to shoves, slaps, kicks, punches...and then choking. He may throw heavy things at you, pull your hair, burn you.
No, you say, he would never do that! But that is the mindset of an abuser, of a man who doesn't see you as a human being with rights and needs of your own. To him, you are a means to an end (sex, control, and satisfying his ego by pushing you around and bullying you). You do not have rights, in his mind. Your body is his body, hence the petulant tantrums when you refuse to let him have access to that most vulnerable and private part of you. He doesn't just not love you; a part of him actively despises you and he will come up with endlessly creative ways to prove it to you for as long as you tolerate this situation. This is not a relationship; this is abuse. He is an abuser, and you are lying to yourself if you think it will get better.
I think you know that none of this is okay, which is why you're posting here. Even the title has the word PANIC in it...you know that this is wrong, and you know that he's potentially dangerous. Please quietly and quickly plan to leave. Don't bother arguing with him about it, don't let him know what you plan to do, don't vent to his mom or his sister or his best friend in hopes that they'll talk to him and make him love you properly. They won't. Get out, sis. Find a safe place to go, block him, delete him, and move on. But whatever you do, please get out.
Are you religious, or do you love God, Nova Skye? Rules might make you feel better about yourself temporarily, but rules will not save you. The Bible says that if you look at a someone with lust in your heart then you have sinned. I don't say this to shame you, but rather to remind you that we have ALL sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. God does not love you more now because you are a virgin than He would love you if you were having sex right this minute. We cannot earn the love of God. His love is a completely free and unearned gift. This relationship is not God's best for you. God's best for you is a man who will desire to protect you, cover you, and lead you spiritually. A husband's love for his wife is supposed to emulate Christ's love for the church. A husband is called to die to himself daily to care for you. This man is not showing himself capable of that. I want to add that I am not coming at you from a place of judgment but understanding because I have been there before. I spent a year entertaining the cheap attention of a man who broke my boundaries and stood contrary to my values because I had unresolved daddy issues and thought I was in love. I write this post with a heavy heart because no matter how much I heard wisdom from older women who loved me I was not ready to leave that situation until I decided that I deserved better and until I forgave myself for staying that long. It feels impossible but the Bible says that all things are possible with God. It feels like it will never heal but the Bible says that He has come to bind up the brokenhearted. Do not give in to the lies of the enemy. God wants more for you.
Find a man who shares your values. Ever thought about that?! That’s why FDS puts so much emphasis on VETTING MEN!!!! Your OWN sexuality is paramount, and in this DYSTOPIAN day and age guarding your UTERUS is more important than ever. Do not feel pressured to do what you don’t feel is not right FOR YOU!!!
You are 100% in the right to refuse him. He honestly sounds scary and I would leave him since he might just r-word you.
"He is problematic and I posted about him before." 🙄🥱 Women who refuse to learn and take advice- next!
This man is abusive. raging at people about sex is abuse. Also you want your Sex life to be with someone who’s committed to sticking with you, and he is trying to CHANGE that about you, rather than asking himself if he is going to marry you and respecting your wishes. This man is bullying you for sex which is coercion and I would call it rape if you had given in. I am so sorry, but this man is an abuser and I’m scared for you because I’m sure you love him at this point. You do not want to marry a bully, or a man who is comfortable applying pressure and emotional manipulation / abuse for sex. This man is a bad person. I have known men dating women who were Muslim not having sex who were okay with it. Any man who wasnt abusive would not act like this way and don’t forget that this mans behaviour is also showing you he doesn’t want to marry he just wants to have sex so he is acting like it’s a bargaining chip. There are men who want to start a life with a wife and kids Who aren’t abusive. Part of the problem with purity culture is the idea that people still have bfs and gfs and jsut don’t have sex. The idea is that romance and love and sex is best with an amazing person who you can relax and build a life with without worrying about abandonment. So the focus is so much on just not having sex instead of staying on the market until you meet someone you’re crazy about who is ready to get married and start that romantic sexy life with you. I feel for you and I really would recommend no bfs In the future so You don’t get locked in with some entitled a**hole Who feels you owe him something when you can’t rely on him.
I have also decided to wait for marriage. Explained to the guy on the first date and told him he is welcome to leave. He said he respects my choice and will wait. The respect quickly vanished and he tried to convince me to have sex with him every single time we met, crying that I am so hot and it is too hard for him (poor thing). Thank God I did not give in, but I regret not having enough self respect to dump him. Also, he coerced me to do other sexual stuff when I was clearly unsure and uncomfortable. It felt violating even though there was no intercourse. Now any type of sex is off limits before marriage for me. Eventually he dumped me, because I did not give it to him. I wished I saved myself the emotional rollercoaster and dumped him after the first time he tried to break my boundaries.
wow, your situation seems horrible. i wish i could help you with ore than just words... i'm not a fan of sex either, but for different reasons (although STDs and pregnancy are included in the reasons), so i think i understand you a little bit.
you should leave this boyfriend of yours. if he is an animal who has so much trouble controlling his urges, he igt end up raping you. and it could happen either before or after marriage - more than once. besides, he is clearly manipulating you to have sex with him. he makes you feel guilty, makes you cry, says you are overreacting. where is his empathy for the woman he loves?
male's desperation for sex really gets on my nerves! how are men allowed to be leaders, politicians, business owners when they behave like animals in this manner? go fap and leave women and children the fuck alone!
Leave the dude. This is extremely disrespectful. He is coercing you to sleep with him.
You know what I've just read the comment that he won't marry you even though he knows you want to wait till marriage for sex and that changes things. He IS the scumbag. There is reasonable expectation that even if he doesn't buy into purity culture, women should expect commitment in exchange for sex. A better compromise as an adult woman is only sleep with men you'd marry / would marry you or has the means to pay for a family.
Girl you already know you don't want to marry him and already have deep reservations about sleeping with him WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR VALUABLE TIME WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO MARRY Like read your writing. You don't want to marry him. Stop dating him. Get out bc you still have lots of time to find a great man WHY waste it on man you already know you don't want to marry???
DUMP HIM .. he clearly has anger issues and is abusing you. Make sure you dump him after you get somewhere safe or have someone with you when you do then block and delete him off everything. If he tries to contact you, call the cops. Do not give him any reasons why. Please dump him. Do not waste your virginity or your life with a piece of shit like him.
These are your boundaries, your values and your beliefs. He should respect you and either wait or leave if he can't. Coercion is not respect. If you are religious, God should always come first. Even if you weren't religious you should never compromise on your principles. If he doesn't respect your beliefs now, he will not respect them later either. If you truly wish to wait for marriage, you will not have a second chance to do so if you have sex with him now. You will deeply regret and feel that he has taken away something deeply important for you. He is not worth it. No one is. Long term shared values and beliefs will be more important for a strong marriage than hormonal love aka infatuation that people feel for the first few years, as it fades. You need a stronger foundation than feeling in love. Mutual respect is crucial and if he is pushing you to compromise your deepest convictions for his own short term pleasure, he does not respect you.
keep your standards. it’s rare to find men that aren’t eager to get in your pants.