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I’ve been digesting this for a while. And I thought FDS would be the perfect home for a post like this because I know some ladies here struggle with PMDD too.
Heres my thing.
Very often in online PMDD circles we see women say that during their luteal phase they want to break up with their partners. And too often the response to this seeks to remind the woman that she’s just “in her PMDD“, that her feelings and frustrations ab her partner and relationship aren’t real.
But, stress is known to trigger hormonal issues among a plethora other physical ones.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re struggling financially with your partner, especially if you’re a 50/50 lady, paying bills, cleaning up after your man and even kids, and you don’t have a space for yourself in the home, then not only are you going to carry more stress on your back, but it‘s likely you’re not going to have time (or space) to rest and take care of yourself during your luteal phase either.
Never mind that once you finally get your period you’ll be bleeding and possibly cramping too, adding to the menstrual challenge.
I suspect for too many women suffering with PMDD this is the case.
Heard a podcast today from a counselor who said she had all sorts of marital issues with her spouse re: her PMDD and my gut instinct kicked up. Especially when she also said “our partners aren’t the cause of our PMDD”, and started touting off doing “acts of service” for your partner during that time of the month (even if you’re too tired) as a way to make up for being bitchy…
While I don’t necessarily disagree that our partners aren’t the cause of the PMDD itself, many women have shared that their PMDD worsened when in the WRONG relationship. And also report it getting better while they were with someone else, or single.
I can also vouch for this myself.
Overall, more of us need to treat menstruation with the love it deserves, and not only educate ourselves on what’s happening to our bodies, but set *boundaries* in our relationships with men around our needs.
Prioritize space and a shift in household responsibilities during this time if you know you need it.
It’s called a period for a reason. We are cyclical beings, and our needs vary throughout. There is a reason tribes and cultures across the world were set up so that women dedicated (and/or still dedicate) this time to getting away and meditating / praying / taking different herbs / eating certain foods / and most importantly being around other women who were also menstruating!
Sisterhood in this way has always been invaluable in relating our lived experience to others and exchanging wisdom.
How can anyone sincerely, truthfully, say that living in a shared space with a man doesn’t have an impact on our ability to center what it means to be female and go through menstruation? PMDD or no.
It’s irresponsible for mental health professionals taking on PMDD patients to not look into the quality of the woman’s relationship and household, the expectations on her shoulders etc… and to ever suggest that for the sake of not being “forever alone” that women should gaslight themselves out of their relationship concerns.
I get that it’s tricky because when you’re in your luteal phase, sometimes it’s hard to trust if what you’re feeling about your relationship and partner is “real”.
The key is to journal and document as much of these thoughts / arguments / frustrations as much as you can. Once you’re out of your period’s crosshairs, now you can digest these entries and see if anything is consistent. See if you still actually feel the same despite being out of your PMDD cloud.
TLDR; Society conditions women to gaslight ourselves and shove down valid observations and feelings—especially in relationships with men. Yes, your PMDD is real, but that doesn’t mean he ain’t a dusty sis.
A space in your household dedicated to you, updated or new boundaries, or even migrating toward leaving the relationship all together might just be the solution after all.
Thanks for reading if you did, I apologize if I ran through this and skipped some points. And if you’re going through it right now, sending you a virtual hug. Keep going.
My PMDD turned back into manageable PMS almost immediately after I broke up with my ex
this is so brilliant, thank you. can confirm that when i am single and honoring my body, my periods are so much…smoother. i also wonder about this in regards to peri-menopause and menopause in married women…
Thank you for this. I’ve explored the biological underpinnings of PMDD in detail, but this is an important factor as well. When I suffered from this condition, I always felt that there was some hint of truth in my so-called “irrational” thinking.
Yes!!! I've known myself to be a bit irrational right around my period but it's pretty easy to talk yourself out of the spiral if you're generally happy and stable. Add a soul-sucking LVM and you have a hormonal mess. Stress with my ex literally made my menstrual cramps worse and I was absolutely depressed and nearly suicidal when I had my period. Over time, as my nervous system calmed back down after the break-up, I had fewer PMS symptoms and less painful cramps. It was not just the partner himself but the way he was an obstacle to me taking proper care of myself.
I have PMDD. I think it only exacerbates whatever is already present/real.
Oh yeah. I had HORRIBLE "PMDD" in my early twenties. Then I took a 3-4 year break from dating between 23 and 27. I had almost zero pms. Like clockwork, I get angry and depressive for about a day 2-3 days out, then restless for a day, then I'm fine. I ALWAYS tried to dump my boyfriends during pms. Even most recently, I freaked out on my ex because I didn't hear from him for 4-5 days while he was out of the country. I felt so bad and "crazy", but then remembered he proactively promised me he would reach out every single day. This is the same boyfriend who refused to wear condoms after the first time. I look back in my journal and I was fighting the urge to break up with him. I gaslighted myself into thinking I had "attachment issues". But where were these attachment issues during the PMS in the first month of dating? I didn't even notice my PMS before he started throwing red flags.
And since we broke up I've had 3 periods. The first two I was still angry about the breakup but the last period I was almost excited, calm.
I read online in my early twenties that it was something to do with progesterone. When it rises, after ovulation, your body is going "Make a baby make a baby!!! Work it out we want a B A B Y!!!"
and then your progesterone starts to drop 5 days before your period. When your body realizes oh there isn't a baby, your "progesterone colored glasses" fall off and you can see the man clearly.
Idk if that's science but it made perfect sense to me